I think im at that point

[unabletocope]

I spoke to my mum earlier, she's aware of my issues and struggles and we hit a point in a conversation earlier where she pretty much said 'you either live or you die, I can't stop you' and she's right, I can't be stopped. I think the nature of my issues are pointing quite directly towards death, I will never be comfortable in myself in life, I am due to turn 30 next month and to put it bluntly everything has gone wrong on my behalf and on my own hands, I can't shake myself away from being 19 and potentially having something that I caused to go wrong by reaching out to people in ways that wrecked things, maybe those people were never truly there, maybe that's just something I say to try and cope without accepting reality, by reaching out to people in the way I did I set myself to fail and fall, if I'd reached out through social media I wouldn't have fallen down like this and I wouldn't have set my own death in motion like this, my own awkwardness and embarrassment, I never thought I would turn out like this but my worst nightmare has come true and I can't bear to live like this, my enemies have succeeded over me and I am rotting in isolation begging for death

I'm sorry if I have used this site like a social media site, I tried to make the most of it. It's informative and I appreciate the connection people have offered me here. I'm not comfortable with hanging at all but it's realistically the only way I think I can see a way out, I have got some rope set up in a part of the house I am at, no one is going to contact me so I can't see myself being disturbed or pestered, I just need to feel a bit more comfortable and I think I can pull it off

 

[INTJme]

I feel you and wish you peace of mind.

 

[unabletocope]

Just called a suicide hotline, they're not always helpful but over the years I've called them as an outlet through some times. Shared some of the feelings I've had here with them, I am going to kill myself. Its getting clearer and clearer to me, I just need to feel more comfortable, I wish I had the confidence to just carry out hanging without finding it so fucking agonising and exhausting

 

[HopelesslyAlive]

Unfortunately I think any methods of dying you go with even if its SN or hanging, or jumping or whatever there will be an exhaustiveness to it and I think that is simply because of ideation and also due to a lack of energy caused by living, generally. I'm glad you contacted a hotline, as you said they aren't that helpful because their aim is to support rather than stop you but they can be nice to just talk to. If you feel ready then I wish you peace, but if you aren't ready yet then that's also okay, that doesn't mean your weak, you could just be thinking out your options a little more, maybe find another method that you'd prefer more? There's plenty of information here.

 

[unabletocope]

Unfortunately I think any methods of dying you go with even if its SN or hanging, or jumping or whatever there will be an exhaustiveness to it and I think that is simply because of ideation and also due to a lack of energy caused by living, generally. I'm glad you contacted a hotline, as you said they aren't that helpful because their aim is to support rather than stop you but they can be nice to just talk to. If you feel ready then I wish you peace, but if you aren't ready yet then that's also okay, that doesn't mean your weak, you could just be thinking out your options a little more, maybe find another method that you'd prefer more? There's plenty of information here.

It's just trying to find something to settle into, I think even suicide is something to settle into. Thanks for the kind words

 

[HopelesslyAlive]

It's just trying to find something to settle into, I think even suicide is something to settle into. Thanks for the kind words

I agree with that. Suicide is certainly unnerving and also yet comforting. Whatever you end up doing, I hope things turn out okay