Venting I think I want to have children

[struggles_inc]

I know. Not a place for me to talk about it. But…

I've quit drinking since last year. There has been a one-time relapse I instantly regretted the next morning because my body isn't accustomed to alcohol anymore.
I think I'm quitting smoking now. Doing it less and less.

I've been considering this a lot. What I want in life, what brings me joy. If someone knows me on this website, they might remember I run a business and try to maintain appearances. But my heart only warms up when I think about being a parent.

I think I want to become a better version of myself so that I will be able to love my child unconditionally. And I will need to better my mental health too, because there won't be any ways out once someone becomes fully dependent on me. Even though I already feel that with my company and my aging family.

I'll try and do my best to become worthy of being a parent. I really hope I can.
I don't know if that's morally repulsive on my side or not. Not sure if I… invite judgement.

 

[itsgone2]

I would say it's very risky. I wish I had not done it. Passing on my issues and all. But everyone here is different. You seem successful. Make sure to pass the work ethic along if you do it

 

[MapleS]

Well if you will have enough money, basic psychological knowledge, time and other resorces, you will be ready to change your life for your child's needs and you will be aware that they can born dusabled, our planet will be habitable and suitable for bringing a new human being to the world-
If you are aware of all of these things and ready for them, sure - be a great parent :3

 

[2percent]

There's a reason romantic relationships fail when the individuals involved need the others to 'fix' them. When things go wrong (and things will go wrong), there isn't enough levelheadedness to go around to solve problems without situations devolving into crises. It sounds like you want to have a child to fix you. I don't mean this judgmentally, but try reading 'adult children of emotionally immature parents'. Children can tell when their parents are unhappy, and long/often enough it can really mess them up.

If you enjoy being around kids, why not seek out volunteer positions or tutoring opportunities? There's no need to commit wholesale to being responsible for another life for 18 years if you're at all unsure.

 

[Dejected 55]

I never used to think about having kids when I was younger. I was never in a relationship, never having sex, so it was not a topic that ever came up or that I put a lot of thought into. If I wasn't going to be in a relationship, kids were not on the table.

I was around kids, my younger sister... and then she eventually had kids of her own... so I go to experience some of the nurturing side of me during my life... and I realized I naturally took to taking care of kids. As I got older I began to think maybe I would like to have kids... but, it was still a moot point since I was never in a relationship with a woman.

Now, after everything the last couple of years... I realize that I think I did miss by not ever fathering and raising kids. But it was never possible, since I was never with a woman to consider it... and even if magically I found a woman now... at 55... I believe it is too late for me to be a father. I don't want to bring a child into the world that I will not live long enough to be able to help and see that child have a good chance at life before I became old and in need of support. It's one thing if a child has to support their aging parents one day... but if an old parent has young children... that becomes a major burden on young adults who should be doing other things in their lives without that kind of responsibility.

 

[Daphne]

I never used to think about having kids when I was younger. I was never in a relationship, never having sex, so it was not a topic that ever came up or that I put a lot of thought into. If I wasn't going to be in a relationship, kids were not on the table.

I was around kids, my younger sister... and then she eventually had kids of her own... so I go to experience some of the nurturing side of me during my life... and I realized I naturally took to taking care of kids. As I got older I began to think maybe I would like to have kids... but, it was still a moot point since I was never in a relationship with a woman.

Now, after everything the last couple of years... I realize that I think I did miss by not ever fathering and raising kids. But it was never possible, since I was never with a woman to consider it... and even if magically I found a woman now... at 55... I believe it is too late for me to be a father. I don't want to bring a child into the world that I will not live long enough to be able to help and see that child have a good chance at life before I became old and in need of support. It's one thing if a child has to support their aging parents one day... but if an old parent has young children... that becomes a major burden on young adults who should be doing other things in their lives without that kind of responsibility.

There are many single ladies around with kids who are widowed or divorced. I am willing to bet some would be open to dating a financially stable man who likes kids. Just a thought. Maybe try a Parents Without Partners group.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

It's not morally repugnant. Wanting children is normal. The majority of humanity isn't going to stop so there's no need to deprive yourself based on some nebulous principles.

You just have to make sure you are ready. It sounds like unconditional love will come naturally to you as it does to most parents but you have to make sure you are ready for the stresses and challenges.

 

[Lady_V]

I've wanted to be a mom my entire life. Not being mentally well enough and knowing I'll never find someone who truly loves me to create a functioning, loving family with just depresses me even more.

 

[Dejected 55]

There are many single ladies around with kids who are widowed or divorced. I am willing to bet some would be open to dating a financially stable man who likes kids. Just a thought. Maybe try a Parents Without Partners group.

I actually tried once, with a woman who had a daughter... women just haven't ever been interested in me "that" way... and as a result of continuing to fail at that and becoming ever more depressed over the years, I effectively ruined my financial stability over the last year or so and am on the verge of being homeless. So, I'm really no good to anyone anymore, just like they always believed anyway.

 

[Marsoff]

I think I really don't want to have children in my opinion. I wanted, but now I am so pessimistic that I just don't care.

 

[EternalShore]

I wish you the best in continuing to improve yourself (good job so far! :D) and working up to getting to have your own kids~ :) I want kids too tbh~ >_< It'd just be so nice to parent and love then and raise them like that, and I'm glad you appreciate how wonderful that is too! :)

 

[struggles_inc]

Thank you all very much for all the replies and the support. I appreciate all of you guys.

I wanted to address two things specifically.

It sounds like you want to have a child to fix you

I'm not sure what I said to make anyone think that. It's not that at all. I want to get my life together for a family, not because of it. I just feel like that's what I really want in life.

It's one thing if a child has to support their aging parents one day... but if an old parent has young children

Yes, I completely understand. That's what I am afraid of. Taking too long. Doing other important stuff. I think it's much harder to start a family now than it was 100 years ago.

Mentally I am getting more stable. It's not just about decision making in business. I have volunteered in animal shelters and I'm considering signing myself up for some other charity projects that involve taking care or vulnerable beings and the messes they make. At least from what I feel inside, I am prepared for a child in a realistic sense.

Physically, however, I still have a long way. I'm not exactly financially stable yet — my business supports me, but doesn't allow me to get a car or a house. My health is also in question because I would need to quit smoking completely and maybe even change my diet, the latter having been a challenge for me for years.

So, yeah.

 

[slapntickle]

My partner had our son a few months ago. Unplanned, but we wanted it to happen, and even with my history of mental health problems/suicidal ideation I still wanted to have a child.

I can say without reserve that the love you feel towards the child is indescribable. It's new dimension of love - it's something that you didn't know existed. Just the smallest things - a laugh, a smile, a look - can bring so much joy that I find it hard to put into words. If people have stable lives (and I mean in every sense - financial, emotional, familial etc) then I can see no reason not to want this joy and happiness to enter their lives.

For us (ie people close to CBTing), the decision is a bit more complex. I don't think about CBTing less because of the child. The two are not connected in my mind (even though they absolutely are). There are ways to mitigate the loss of your presence in the child's life (ie do it early enough so that they never really know you, leave behind a healthy amount of cash via life insurance/inheritance, make sure care structures are in place so that no one ends up homeless or whatever, etc).

I do think, though, that there is a difference between men and women here. As is well known, the child actually can't distinguish between themselves and their mother for at least a year. They actually don't see themselves as distinct entities. The bond between a mother and child is much stronger than with the father, and that's OK and natural and as it should be. If a father CBTs, I think people are sad for a while but life moves on - the mother finds a new partner, the child grows up and so on. If a mother CBTs though, that's a whole new level of tragedy. The child will surely be horribly scarred, the father left having to care for a child on his own, and the immediate social circle really wrecked because it's such an unusual act. I knew a man who's mother committed suicide, and it was really horrendous for everyone around, wherease fathers I have known that have CBTed are really forgotten about very quickly.

I'd say to think very, very carefully if you're a woman close to (or even toying with the idea of) CBTing and wanting a child. If you have a good 'set up' - ie you can leave some money behind, if you have close family living near that would step in after you go - then maybe there's a case to be made... but bringing a child into the world just so you can leave it? Not OK.

 

[struggles_inc]

My partner had our son a few months ago. Unplanned, but we wanted it to happen, and even with my history of mental health problems/suicidal ideation I still wanted to have a child.

I can say without reserve that the love you feel towards the child is indescribable. It's new dimension of love - it's something that you didn't know existed. Just the smallest things - a laugh, a smile, a look - can bring so much joy that I find it hard to put into words. If people have stable lives (and I mean in every sense - financial, emotional, familial etc) then I can see no reason not to want this joy and happiness to enter their lives.

For us (ie people close to CBTing), the decision is a bit more complex. I don't think about CBTing less because of the child. The two are not connected in my mind (even though they absolutely are). There are ways to mitigate the loss of your presence in the child's life (ie do it early enough so that they never really know you, leave behind a healthy amount of cash via life insurance/inheritance, make sure care structures are in place so that no one ends up homeless or whatever, etc).

I do think, though, that there is a difference between men and women here. As is well known, the child actually can't distinguish between themselves and their mother for at least a year. They actually don't see themselves as distinct entities. The bond between a mother and child is much stronger than with the father, and that's OK and natural and as it should be. If a father CBTs, I think people are sad for a while but life moves on - the mother finds a new partner, the child grows up and so on. If a mother CBTs though, that's a whole new level of tragedy. The child will surely be horribly scarred, the father left having to care for a child on his own, and the immediate social circle really wrecked because it's such an unusual act. I knew a man who's mother committed suicide, and it was really horrendous for everyone around, wherease fathers I have known that have CBTed are really forgotten about very quickly.

I'd say to think very, very carefully if you're a woman close to (or even toying with the idea of) CBTing and wanting a child. If you have a good 'set up' - ie you can leave some money behind, if you have close family living near that would step in after you go - then maybe there's a case to be made... but bringing a child into the world just so you can leave it? Not OK.

Thank you. Not planning to die. My attempt is already behind me. I mostly vent here.

 

[slapntickle]

Then I wish you well, and I hope your child is born happy and healthy.