Venting I suffer nearly daily and yearn for death

[ThatStateOfMind]

Today and as of recently, internally, I just hurt so badly. I hate life. I love my girlfriend but everything else besides her and maybe a few friends fucking blows. There's not much more beyond that. I'm just suffering so badly, I have so many tests, a job interview, assignments, and studying to do over this week. I'm so done with everything and I just wish for the freedom and release of death, but I know I won't be granted with it unless I take matters into my own hands.

 

[FuneralCry]

I just wish to be free from all the suffering as well, I always wish to not exist and it's all I hope for, I really understand just wanting to be gone. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[NoIdeaForAUsername]

Thats funny. Dude wants to die and life hurts while he have:
- GF
- friends
- school
- job interviews
- not to mention regular stuff like food or shelter that is so basic for us that we no longer even recognise it

People want to kill themselves because they dont have things that you have XD
Like, what are you missing?

 

[divinemistress36]

Thats funny. Dude wants to die and life hurts while he have:
- GF
- friends
- school
- job interviews
- not to mention regular stuff like food or shelter that is so basic for us that we no longer even recognise it

People want to kill themselves because they dont have things that you have XD
Like, what are you missing?

Mental illness doesnt care how good someones life is

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

Thats funny. Dude wants to die and life hurts while he have:
- GF
- friends
- school
- job interviews
- not to mention regular stuff like food or shelter that is so basic for us that we no longer even recognise it

People want to kill themselves because they dont have things that you have XD
Like, what are you missing?

Oh, you're right! I guess all those things like friends, a job interview, and shelter should magically make everything perfect. It's not like mental struggles can be completely unrelated to circumstances or internal battles, right? But thanks for reminding me that everything should fall into place and be great because I have food. That totally fixes everything. Who cares about the invisible things that don't show up on a checklist.

As @divinemistress36 said, mental illness doesn't care how good someone's life is. There are people who had a far better life than me and still CTB.

 

[usernamenoonecares]

Thats funny. Dude wants to die and life hurts while he have:
- GF
- friends
- school
- job interviews
- not to mention regular stuff like food or shelter that is so basic for us that we no longer even recognise it

People want to kill themselves because they dont have things that you have XD
Like, what are you missing?

Sometimes you just start losing hope. It doesn't make sense but it can still happen. then slowly you begin to think everything is meaningless and become more and more apathy. The indifference in your heart will eat away what you used to be, and make you a shell of your former self despite of what you have. Not everyone's struggle is material based. Even we don't understand how it happens. And we don't wish it to be this way. But all we can do are just waiting until we are gone.

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

I did the interview today. I don't know if I did well, they were too neutral to read, but I have a feeling in my gut that it didn't go well.. I feel hopelessly unprepared for the midterm. I had a gun loaded and to my head, I was THIS close. My finger was on the trigger, but SI took over and I couldn't follow through and pull it. Probably a good thing because impulsivity is never a good thing. I just wanted relief. I've been feeling like shit all day, so much so that I left my lab class today early, set on using that gun on myself, but I couldn't do it. I'm so tired of it all...

 

[deadbidaylight]

It sounds like you are stretched really thin and burnt out. School stresses are definitely hard to deal with. It's mentally taxing especially when the money it costs to be there is on the line. I've been there, and I totally get how you're feeling.

I know you've got a lot on your plate right now. But if I can say one thing: not finishing an assignment or two will not cost you your education. Especially when the stressload could cost you your life. You are putting tons of pressure on yourself to be perfect and please everyone else but you're rotting inside. It might be time to put yourself and your mental health as priority #1.

You have the ability to put your studies on hold and come back to it if you're finding it to be too much right now. I know lots of people that have had to do this and there is absolutely no shame in that. If you don't want to do that or that option isn't available to you, let a few assignments go past due to take some time for yourself. Have you spoken to anyone about how you're feeling? Would your girlfriend be a trusted confident?

Please try and remember that you aren't perfect; you are human. And to be human is to make mistakes. And to be human is to have feelings, good and bad. If your bad is greatly outweighing your good, then you need to look after yourself. Please take some time for you. You deserve it

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

It sounds like you are stretched really thin and burnt out. School stresses are definitely hard to deal with. It's mentally taxing especially when the money it costs to be there is on the line. I've been there, and I totally get how you're feeling.

I know you've got a lot on your plate right now. But if I can say one thing: not finishing an assignment or two will not cost you your education. Especially when the stressload could cost you your life. You are putting tons of pressure on yourself to be perfect and please everyone else but you're rotting inside. It might be time to put yourself and your mental health as priority #1.

You have the ability to put your studies on hold and come back to it if you're finding it to be too much right now. I know lots of people that have had to do this and there is absolutely no shame in that. If you don't want to do that or that option isn't available to you, let a few assignments go past due to take some time for yourself. Have you spoken to anyone about how you're feeling? Would your girlfriend be a trusted confident?

Please try and remember that you aren't perfect; you are human. And to be human is to make mistakes. And to be human is to have feelings, good and bad. If your bad is greatly outweighing your good, then you need to look after yourself. Please take some time for you. You deserve it

Thank you, this was actually really useful to hear. It's just been a lot at once recently with midterms and the job interview.

I am definitely starting to feel burnt out, luckily I get a week off. There's still assignments to do but I'm not spending ~12 hours in class in the week so much more time to do them and not feel insanely pressured. I do agree though, that my mental health has not been treated as a priority as of recent.

Also, I have confided in my girlfriend, she's actually really supportive of me and she's the reason I'm still here tbh. Other friends I confided in have since stopped talking to me entirely or have been too busy with their life. Unfortunately, putting a pause on studying isn't an option currently available to me, I rely on financial aid a lot, and one of the requirements is continuous, full-time enrollment for Spring and Fall semesters. Summer is coming soon, which I take great comfort in knowing.

Thank you for your kind words, I'll genuinely try to be more forgiving towards myself, I know this is just pressures adding up against me, and it's almost like I had a small mental break today.

Edit: also is that you in your pfp? Just asking because I've never seen anyone show their face on here as far as I know.

 

[deadbidaylight]

Thank you, this was actually really useful to hear. It's just been a lot at once recently with midterms and the job interview.

I am definitely starting to feel burnt out, luckily I get a week off. There's still assignments to do but I'm not spending ~12 hours in class in the week so much more time to do them and not feel insanely pressured. I do agree though, that my mental health has not been treated as a priority as of recent.

Also, I have confided in my girlfriend, she's actually really supportive of me and she's the reason I'm still here tbh. Other friends I confided in have since stopped talking to me entirely or have been too busy with their life. Unfortunately, putting a pause on studying isn't an option currently available to me, I rely on financial aid a lot, and one of the requirements is continuous, full-time enrollment for Spring and Fall semesters. Summer is coming soon, which I take great comfort in knowing.

Thank you for your kind words, I'll genuinely try to be more forgiving towards myself, I know this is just pressures adding up against me, and it's almost like I had a small mental break today.

Edit: also is that you in your pfp? Just asking because I've never seen anyone show their face on here as far as I know.

I'm glad you realize that a lot of what you're feeling is stress related. The pressure of school is so insanely hard and the fact that everyone expects you to work on top of your courseload is just craziness. Post secondary is a full time job in itself.

I'm glad your girlfriend is supportive of your feelings. Definitely lean on her if you need to. Try your best not to internalize it because that won't help you. Even just speaking to someone about it can take a lot of burden off your shoulders. If she's in school too she's probably feeling at least a bit of pressure as well and can likely relate. Thank goodness some breaks are coming up for you. Take the time to really do some things you love. Rest as much as you can, eat great food, just mellow out and enjoy yourself. I bet you could really use some sleep.

And yes, that is me in my profile pic. I am not ashamed to be here, and I don't need to hide my face.

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

I'm glad you realize that a lot of what you're feeling is stress related. The pressure of school is so insanely hard and the fact that everyone expects you to work on top of your courseload is just craziness. Post secondary is a full time job in itself.

I'm glad your girlfriend is supportive of your feelings. Definitely lean on her if you need to. Try your best not to internalize it because that won't help you. Even just speaking to someone about it can take a lot of burden off your shoulders. If she's in school too she's probably feeling at least a bit of pressure as well and can likely relate. Thank goodness some breaks are coming up for you. Take the time to really do some things you love. Rest as much as you can, eat great food, just mellow out and enjoy yourself. I bet you could really use some sleep.

And yes, that is me in my profile pic. I am not ashamed to be here, and I don't need to hide my face.

Yeah, sometimes, I might even wager most of the time, when my suicidal thoughts and ideations are bad, it's situational. However, it's nearly impossible to see it in that light in the moment. Luckily, I don't feel the same pressure from my girlfriend as I did from other family over a year ago. My aunt thought because most of my classes were online, still 15+ credit hours, I should be able to work a 40 hr/week job, I politely explained why that wasn't doable for me.

But alright, I've recently been internalizing it more frequently now that I think about it. I don't know why, I know I don't have to act around her, I guess I just dont want to worry people. She actually isn't in school. She went to technical school for cosmetology (she doesn't use her license), and works full time. I'm gonna take your advice though. With this time off coming in a couple days, I'm gonna pick a day next week to go on a hike, as that's an activity I thoroughly enjoy.

Also, I respect that. I could never lol, I'm too afraid of losing my anonymity here.

 

[deadbidaylight]

Fresh air will do you a world of good! I really hope you enjoy your break, you deserve it.