Sakura.
Nienawidzę siebie.
- May 1, 2024
- 153
Yesterday, before midnight, already very tired, I was finishing my last post of the day, a very long one on SaSu. However, I didn't expect it to be a symbolic foreshadowing of what would happen the next day.
This morning, with tasks to do (let's say by the end of Tuesday), I didn't even try to complete them; I just skipped them, thinking I could do them tomorrow. Tomorrow I'll almost certainly skip them again and not do them at all, pushing them off until next week. I wanted to write about something related to my life, so I wrote a very long thread about it, and unexpectedly I even got replies to it, so I wrote another long post. Then I wrote another thread. Then another, shorter one. And then another. And another. And now I'm writing another, final one...
So I spent the whole day writing threads, and when I finally stopped, I was still on this forum. The problem is, I wasn't even using it, I wasn't writing any posts, I wasn't even reading other people's posts or threads. I was simply there, wasting hours, lying half-awake in bed with my laptop on my stomach, sitting on the home page of SaSu, scrolling through usernames and avatars. Just as I can't read manga and visual novels, for example, so I rented manga and for two months just held them in my hand, looking at their covers and reading their two-sentence descriptions, or selecting the installed visual novels from the console menu, sometimes even launching them, watching their intros, messing around in the main menu, and then turning them off.
I simply have nothing to do with myself. My life is terrible, and what happened today, how I spent today, is a good illustration of that. Because I spent it in a terrible, completely worthless and empty way, but I had no way to avoid spending it in such a worthless and empty way. If I didn't use this forum all day, I'd simply do nothing, just like I have every day of my life. Because I have autism and I'm repulsive-looking, my life is horrible, and I can't do anything about it, I can't do anything in it because everything requires other people who, however, want nothing to do with me. And the individual things that could theoretically be possible in it, like watching movies, reading books, or playing games, are impossible for me due to my mental state. And even if they were, they still wouldn't be valuable because they hardly constitute the foundation of a happy life on their own. And they can't be a pleasant addition to my life if there's nothing worthwhile in my life.
I have nothing to do with myself. My life is horrible, and I have nothing to do about it because there's no way to change it, and I know this because I've tried so hard. I feel horrible, and I have no way to change it, because how I feel is unfortunately completely appropriate to my situation, and if anything, I still feel much less bad than I should. I can't do anything with myself. I can only "live" like this, feeling terrible and unable to do anything about it. And constantly feeling guilty, being blamed by others for "not wanting to recover." And at the same time, constantly being at risk of getting into some drug that would mean the end of me.
I really just want to leave, because I have no way of doing anything with myself. My life is so horrible, and it's awful and exhausting to be forced to continue it. I really wish I could finally stop being held back by my family and be able to leave...
This morning, with tasks to do (let's say by the end of Tuesday), I didn't even try to complete them; I just skipped them, thinking I could do them tomorrow. Tomorrow I'll almost certainly skip them again and not do them at all, pushing them off until next week. I wanted to write about something related to my life, so I wrote a very long thread about it, and unexpectedly I even got replies to it, so I wrote another long post. Then I wrote another thread. Then another, shorter one. And then another. And another. And now I'm writing another, final one...
So I spent the whole day writing threads, and when I finally stopped, I was still on this forum. The problem is, I wasn't even using it, I wasn't writing any posts, I wasn't even reading other people's posts or threads. I was simply there, wasting hours, lying half-awake in bed with my laptop on my stomach, sitting on the home page of SaSu, scrolling through usernames and avatars. Just as I can't read manga and visual novels, for example, so I rented manga and for two months just held them in my hand, looking at their covers and reading their two-sentence descriptions, or selecting the installed visual novels from the console menu, sometimes even launching them, watching their intros, messing around in the main menu, and then turning them off.
I simply have nothing to do with myself. My life is terrible, and what happened today, how I spent today, is a good illustration of that. Because I spent it in a terrible, completely worthless and empty way, but I had no way to avoid spending it in such a worthless and empty way. If I didn't use this forum all day, I'd simply do nothing, just like I have every day of my life. Because I have autism and I'm repulsive-looking, my life is horrible, and I can't do anything about it, I can't do anything in it because everything requires other people who, however, want nothing to do with me. And the individual things that could theoretically be possible in it, like watching movies, reading books, or playing games, are impossible for me due to my mental state. And even if they were, they still wouldn't be valuable because they hardly constitute the foundation of a happy life on their own. And they can't be a pleasant addition to my life if there's nothing worthwhile in my life.
I have nothing to do with myself. My life is horrible, and I have nothing to do about it because there's no way to change it, and I know this because I've tried so hard. I feel horrible, and I have no way to change it, because how I feel is unfortunately completely appropriate to my situation, and if anything, I still feel much less bad than I should. I can't do anything with myself. I can only "live" like this, feeling terrible and unable to do anything about it. And constantly feeling guilty, being blamed by others for "not wanting to recover." And at the same time, constantly being at risk of getting into some drug that would mean the end of me.
I really just want to leave, because I have no way of doing anything with myself. My life is so horrible, and it's awful and exhausting to be forced to continue it. I really wish I could finally stop being held back by my family and be able to leave...
