I don't know whether this thought is paranoid or superstitious. I sometimes have the feeling there are hints that my torture is that cruel that there must be a punishment involved. I think this thought is pathological for people with depression. I just have the feeling I am kind of in a horror movie with no escape. A living nightmare with no good awakening. Some of my suffering is so cynical. For example my love paranoia. I have this strong desire for a partner and then my mind deceives me into thinking someone liked me with the result that I have to finally realize that once again the hope that I had in life is crushed. There is always tiny parts of hope that get crushed pretty cruelly. Some might felt like they were cursed under such circumstances.
I think trying to find such patterns might be unhealthy. Wanting to find a pattern in arbitrary incidents is useless and potentially dangerous. There are some anecdotal evidences which were funny or ironic. One of my favorite films has the topic delusions and how to escape them. And I think pretty soon after I watched it I went through my first psychosis.
A potential explanation would be religion and a God that hates me. Maybe it is a punishment that I once committed suicide in a prior life and now I have to live through it to infinity. Though I think it is good to avoid such thinking. I am a victim of severe child abuse and bullying. I certainly should not blame it on my behavior that I suffer so immensely. When I was younger I prayed to God which was sometimes a part of my OCD behavior and my mom hit me for that. So I won't do that again. He did not help me against my mom. And religions in general made me felt even worse about suicide. Dealing with my severe persistent suicidality has become easier since I have become an atheist. The nightmares about hell were tormenting. I am still going through a daily nightmare. But the anxiety about hell decreased a lot.
I recently watched an interview of a physics noble price winner. He said according to research of Quantum physics our understanding of reality, time and space is probably distorted. A very interesting fact. It felt like maybe that is an hint that maybe this hell I am going through is a simulation. But I lack the understanding of Quantum physics to really grasp what he means.
Though in the end speculating is worthless. Even if I knew it is a simulation it would be worthless. Some people might considered me even more insane then. So I go with the explanation that has the biggest utility for me. And that is atheism with my peace forever after my death. Moreover for a perfect torture simulation there would be some contradictions. I love my best friends they are the biggest gift in my life. So far they tremendously helped me to through this hell. Furthermore I sometimes read stories on here which are even more dramatic than my current situation. Pretending I was living in a solipsistic simulation would kind of neglect the pain of others. I mean the follwing by that. In case of a simulation the other people were NPCs and I think such a thinking can be pretty ignorant and arrogant. There is no certainty. And in such a case we should treat other people with dignitiy and respect.
I think trying to find such patterns might be unhealthy. Wanting to find a pattern in arbitrary incidents is useless and potentially dangerous. There are some anecdotal evidences which were funny or ironic. One of my favorite films has the topic delusions and how to escape them. And I think pretty soon after I watched it I went through my first psychosis.
A potential explanation would be religion and a God that hates me. Maybe it is a punishment that I once committed suicide in a prior life and now I have to live through it to infinity. Though I think it is good to avoid such thinking. I am a victim of severe child abuse and bullying. I certainly should not blame it on my behavior that I suffer so immensely. When I was younger I prayed to God which was sometimes a part of my OCD behavior and my mom hit me for that. So I won't do that again. He did not help me against my mom. And religions in general made me felt even worse about suicide. Dealing with my severe persistent suicidality has become easier since I have become an atheist. The nightmares about hell were tormenting. I am still going through a daily nightmare. But the anxiety about hell decreased a lot.
I recently watched an interview of a physics noble price winner. He said according to research of Quantum physics our understanding of reality, time and space is probably distorted. A very interesting fact. It felt like maybe that is an hint that maybe this hell I am going through is a simulation. But I lack the understanding of Quantum physics to really grasp what he means.
Though in the end speculating is worthless. Even if I knew it is a simulation it would be worthless. Some people might considered me even more insane then. So I go with the explanation that has the biggest utility for me. And that is atheism with my peace forever after my death. Moreover for a perfect torture simulation there would be some contradictions. I love my best friends they are the biggest gift in my life. So far they tremendously helped me to through this hell. Furthermore I sometimes read stories on here which are even more dramatic than my current situation. Pretending I was living in a solipsistic simulation would kind of neglect the pain of others. I mean the follwing by that. In case of a simulation the other people were NPCs and I think such a thinking can be pretty ignorant and arrogant. There is no certainty. And in such a case we should treat other people with dignitiy and respect.
