I shouldn't have given myself a second chance

[MrBlue]

I apologise in advance for whining like this, though I guess that's all I ever do so it won't come as a surprise.
I shouldn't have listened to people telling me to give my life one last shot. I've found out that not only am I incapable of making friends/relationships but I'm also extremely incompetent at my new job to the point where I've actively created more work for my colleagues and can't perform the basic functions of my role, which is entry level.

Because it's public sector, I also can't be fired easily, so I'm going to have to live the shame and guilt of everyone I work with hating my guts until I ctb. Which is complicated. My family is moving in a few weeks so I don't want to ruin the new area by ctb there, but I also don't want to delay it because I've reached a point where I can't function. I can't eat or get changed properly and I'm just exhausted at constantly failing at every aspect of my life. I don't have anything that I can be proud of, or enjoy and I'm tired of bringing everyone aroud me down with my presence. I can't hide my failings or mood socially or otherwise and I'm making people's lives worse by just being here.

I also don't like the fact that people will assume that my suicide was an impulse decision over starting my job. I'm ashamed that it's partly that, but I've been needing to kill myself for years now so it feels like my struggle will be dismissed. I've been called a pussy and oversensitive my whole life and a part of me hates the fact that I'll be the same in death as well.

I don't know what I should do and need some sign or advice I can't seem to find.

 

[BeansOfRequirement]

Fucking assholes, one of those posts that make me tear up. I'd advise you to take a combative stance, milk whatever money you can get out of the bastards, make the fucktards work harder, go full hedonic-mode unless you have anhedonia, take what you can and give nothing back. Ransack and plunder.

 

[MrBlue]

Fucking assholes, one of those posts that make me tear up. I'd advise you to take a combative stance, milk whatever money you can get out of the bastards, make the fucktards work harder, go full hedonic-mode unless you have anhedonia, take what you can and give nothing back. Ransack and plunder.

It's not their fault that I'm such a retarded cunt. They're really nice people but they clearly are already at the end of their tether with having to deal with me. I feel like I need to resign because other people (including the public) are being effected by my incompetence.

That's the worst thing about my situation, I can't blame anything but myself becuase I'm that pathetic, whiny, and useless.

 

[BeansOfRequirement]

That's the worst thing about my situation, I can't blame anything but myself becuase I'm that pathetic, whiny, and useless.

I am too, but I never blame myself for it. Go meta with this, think about the effects of blaming yourself vs blaming others vs blaming no one. Which choice benefits you (and others if you want to add that) the most?

 

[MrBlue]

I am too, but I never blame myself for it. Go meta with this, think about the effects of blaming yourself vs blaming others vs blaming no one. Which choice benefits you (and others if you want to add that) the most?

I understand your point, but in my case, if I blame others/no one then I'll more likely unknowingly cause even more problems for them, whereas if I blame myself I'll hopefully be able to give myself the push to ctb which will be a net gain for everybody.

 

[BeansOfRequirement]

the push to ctb which will be a net gain for everybody.

Not for us on the forum...

 

[autisticalex]

You're a very nice person and I don't think you should kill yourself

 

[MrBlue]

Thank you for your support. This forum is the definitely the only reason I've survived this long, if not I would have ctb last July. I'm only on the side lines of this community really but you've really helped me feel like I'm accepted somewhere. I just wish I could could function like a normal person. I feel like I need to apologise for messing up constantly but then that irritates or makes people uncomfortable, which makes me feel worse. I feel extremely bad for needing help for basic, everyday stuff I should be able to do in my sleep.

I want to be independent and helpful to others but I'm a leech on people's emotions and time. Even now I'm unconsciously sucking attention and time out of people on the forum that have kindly spent the time to support me. It's like I'm a covert narcissist, but my low self esteem hides it from people and myself.

 

[autisticalex]

I really think that medication and therapy could help you Mr.blue you're a good guy and the world needs more ppl like u

 

[WornOutLife]

I can relate to your words.
I'm not sure if giving life a second shot was worth but I might regret this.

You might have some problems at work but at least you have a job. People who don't understand your reasons for having tried to ctb can go to hell!

 

[articledon]

Thank you for your support. This forum is the definitely the only reason I've survived this long, if not I would have ctb last July. I'm only on the side lines of this community really but you've really helped me feel like I'm accepted somewhere. I just wish I could could function like a normal person. I feel like I need to apologise for messing up constantly but then that irritates or makes people uncomfortable, which makes me feel worse. I feel extremely bad for needing help for basic, everyday stuff I should be able to do in my sleep.

I want to be independent and helpful to others but I'm a leech on people's emotions and time. Even now I'm unconsciously sucking attention and time out of people on the forum that have kindly spent the time to support me. It's like I'm a covert narcissist, but my low self esteem hides it from people and myself.

I've been a member for several days and there are certain usernames that give me comfort....Mr.Blue please believe me your name is one of them, so please don't sell your contributions short even though you might think it does not matters. That's just my opinion of course.

 

[Kbeau]

I apologise in advance for whining like this, though I guess that's all I ever do so it won't come as a surprise.
I shouldn't have listened to people telling me to give my life one last shot. I've found out that not only am I incapable of making friends/relationships but I'm also extremely incompetent at my new job to the point where I've actively created more work for my colleagues and can't perform the basic functions of my role, which is entry level.

Because it's public sector, I also can't be fired easily, so I'm going to have to live the shame and guilt of everyone I work with hating my guts until I ctb. Which is complicated. My family is moving in a few weeks so I don't want to ruin the new area by ctb there, but I also don't want to delay it because I've reached a point where I can't function. I can't eat or get changed properly and I'm just exhausted at constantly failing at every aspect of my life. I don't have anything that I can be proud of, or enjoy and I'm tired of bringing everyone aroud me down with my presence. I can't hide my failings or mood socially or otherwise and I'm making people's lives worse by just being here.

I also don't like the fact that people will assume that my suicide was an impulse decision over starting my job. I'm ashamed that it's partly that, but I've been needing to kill myself for years now so it feels like my struggle will be dismissed. I've been called a pussy and oversensitive my whole life and a part of me hates the fact that I'll be the same in death as well.

I don't know what I should do and need some sign or advice I can't seem to find.

Tough post to read. I feel your pain.

 

[sadbadpsychogirl]

I apologise in advance for whining like this, though I guess that's all I ever do so it won't come as a surprise.
I shouldn't have listened to people telling me to give my life one last shot. I've found out that not only am I incapable of making friends/relationships but I'm also extremely incompetent at my new job to the point where I've actively created more work for my colleagues and can't perform the basic functions of my role, which is entry level.

Because it's public sector, I also can't be fired easily, so I'm going to have to live the shame and guilt of everyone I work with hating my guts until I ctb. Which is complicated. My family is moving in a few weeks so I don't want to ruin the new area by ctb there, but I also don't want to delay it because I've reached a point where I can't function. I can't eat or get changed properly and I'm just exhausted at constantly failing at every aspect of my life. I don't have anything that I can be proud of, or enjoy and I'm tired of bringing everyone aroud me down with my presence. I can't hide my failings or mood socially or otherwise and I'm making people's lives worse by just being here.

I also don't like the fact that people will assume that my suicide was an impulse decision over starting my job. I'm ashamed that it's partly that, but I've been needing to kill myself for years now so it feels like my struggle will be dismissed. I've been called a pussy and oversensitive my whole life and a part of me hates the fact that I'll be the same in death as well.

I don't know what I should do and need some sign or advice I can't seem to find.

hey take as many chances as you need. don't do anything you can't take back until you are absolutely sure