I apologise in advance, but I just can't overcome the thoughts and fears and near constant flashbacks or forward catastrophe thinking. I don't even condone ending your life morally and yet here I am.. struggling with not acting on such suicidal and self destructive things to just make it all end.
The flashbacks are so incredibly loud and their constant replay terrorises me day and night without relent. I feel like I'm constantly in danger and that I'll be locked up again, and everytime I try to communicate this to GP or psych I'm told I shouldn't feel like this, that I'm a liar, and that what happened to me isn't true.
Sadly, it's true, and real, and I get no peace, no assurance that I won't constantly feel hated and a freak, and just an abomination to this world. I feel I deserve to burn for all eternity, because I have messed up so much, I have failed to get past this fear, failed to be heard, failed to protect others, and I have no way out from this living purgatory.
Come Saturday morning my abusers will be off bail and will return to their abusive, stalking ways, and will demand I return to them. There is no justice. There is no help coming. There is no peace. I can't live with all the rational and irrational fears. I can't cope with being ostracised and hated and a freak for all eternity for trying to do what's right.
I have no reason to live. I no longer work alongside my paediatric registrars and consultants, no, the GP took my professional reputation through the ground, just because of my abusive past and my biological association to paedophiles. 13yrs of healthcare and effort up in smoke. I can't get that back. Its been discredited but the lies remain on your record for good.
More so, my past will always be dragging me back down. If I am not back with my abusers they will hurt others in my name. They say they own me, and that they will never stop until I'm dead.
I can't be locked up again by them, it burned a hole so deep in my soul over the decades of abuse and torture. I just can't. And their lies will continue until the police end up charging me, despite never hurting a soul.
I can't do this. And I'm sorry for everyone who is struggling.. I hope you have at least one person in your life that you can trust and who loves you. I have never had that unfortunately.
Kindest,
The flashbacks are so incredibly loud and their constant replay terrorises me day and night without relent. I feel like I'm constantly in danger and that I'll be locked up again, and everytime I try to communicate this to GP or psych I'm told I shouldn't feel like this, that I'm a liar, and that what happened to me isn't true.
Sadly, it's true, and real, and I get no peace, no assurance that I won't constantly feel hated and a freak, and just an abomination to this world. I feel I deserve to burn for all eternity, because I have messed up so much, I have failed to get past this fear, failed to be heard, failed to protect others, and I have no way out from this living purgatory.
Come Saturday morning my abusers will be off bail and will return to their abusive, stalking ways, and will demand I return to them. There is no justice. There is no help coming. There is no peace. I can't live with all the rational and irrational fears. I can't cope with being ostracised and hated and a freak for all eternity for trying to do what's right.
I have no reason to live. I no longer work alongside my paediatric registrars and consultants, no, the GP took my professional reputation through the ground, just because of my abusive past and my biological association to paedophiles. 13yrs of healthcare and effort up in smoke. I can't get that back. Its been discredited but the lies remain on your record for good.
More so, my past will always be dragging me back down. If I am not back with my abusers they will hurt others in my name. They say they own me, and that they will never stop until I'm dead.
I can't be locked up again by them, it burned a hole so deep in my soul over the decades of abuse and torture. I just can't. And their lies will continue until the police end up charging me, despite never hurting a soul.
I can't do this. And I'm sorry for everyone who is struggling.. I hope you have at least one person in your life that you can trust and who loves you. I have never had that unfortunately.
Kindest,
