I recently went no contact with my mom...and I am debating angry-calling her

[TheLastYoyo]

I guess I am looking for advice...Like...My mom is abusive, duh! We all know the drill...but here's how I finally went to contact:

My mom's birthday was in October. Just last month. I went down to visit her to buy her dinner. (I moved out 4 years ago and have visited her 3 times a year since then, meanwhile she's only visited me once, when I guilted her into it).

Anyway...My boyfriend and I were going through a really rocky moment. He is my first boyfriend, and we've been together for 2-and-a-half years. My mom knows I love him..But, right before visiting my mom, my boyfriend and I were talking about breaking up - we hadn't decided yet, but it seemed probable.

I told my mom about this, naturally. Told her that I don't want to lose him, that he means a lot to me. She said "There are other guys out there" and that's it.

Anyway, we celebrated her birthday, and as usual I did a lot of chores/errands on her behalf, like I always do. I did refuse to go to the store for her and get her pop - and she was passive-aggressive about it the whole day, saying stuff like "I would ask you if you could hold this for a second, but you don't want me to ask that" or "well, I'm going to have to make several trips inside now, since I can't ask you to help me" etc etc.

man I am rambling hard, my brain is foggy...

After dinner, my mom said "So tomorrow we can make these bell peppers" and I said "I'm not sure if I'll stay the night". She said, "I thought you were going to" (I had NEVER said I would stay the night). I said "Well, maybe..."

Then my boyfriend texted me that he wanted to talk. I told my mom this, and I went out to my car and called him. TL;DR - he basically confirmed he was breaking up with me, but wanted to wait to make it official in person.

My heart was completely shattered. Like. Forget my mom and her nonsense, this is a relationship I thought would lead to marriage. We live together, adopted cats together. It's a very serious relationship that I fought tooth and nail to make work...that he was ending.

Of course, I started ugly balling. I went into my mom's house, tears rushing down my eyes. Literally choking and gasping from the pain. I said, "Mom, I don't think I can stay the night. (bf) is breaking up with me...I don't think I can fall asleep here. I want to go home".

Do you know what her response was?

She literally slammed her arms down on her legs, WITH AGGRESSION. "Whatever, [my name]. I knew you weren't going to stay anyway, even though you said you would".

She then rolled her eyes and looked away from me...

So I grabbed my purse and left...and, some things have happened since then (I sent 1 paragraph and that's it, but she's sent me several texts)...one text was "I get it. You're going no contact. Still need the insurance money." (our car insurance is bundled, so I send my half to her).

Anyway...I can give more details if needed...but basically:::

I have a strong desire to call, text, or show up..And angrily tell her all the ways she's abused me, tell her she's a horrible person, etc...or, dial it down a little and just point out the ways she's been abusive. (Again, a lot to get into, but she has almost murdered me 3 times - like, one time she choked me and I couldn't breathe, and she laughed at me during this incident).

I'm very lost...confused...hurt..and wondering why it took me this long to break things off. She almost killed me, and I still went back to her time and time again? It breaks my fucking heart. The hope I had that one day, she'd realize her wrongs, apologize, and change for the better...

 

[CatAstro.Fee]

It sounds good to do, especially in the moment, but I implore you, just don't. I recognize this from past experiences with people who I thought cared about me. She just wants what she wants and is willing to drag it on forever to make you feel guilty. Especially when she was only upset that you weren't staying, and not why, not about your relationship or you. You can try to do these things for her and ease the tension, or maybe because you feel like you have to since she's your mom, but from what I'm getting, she's stubborn, and she just makes it difficult for you anyway, so what's the point? You can see it, she brings out anger in you, and it's just a loop of needlessly being upset.

It does feel weird to think why we stuck it out with people who hurt us for so long, but regretting that you didn't do it sooner doesn't change anything. Feel everything right now, because you need to process and not tuck them away until they burst, then deal with completely cutting her off after. Your resentment from everything she's done wants to push you to do this, but what will it do, she's already done what she did, from how you described her reacting now, she won't change. Especially with what you said she's done, that is extremely concerning and while it may have toned down in recent years, it's better to be safe than sorry. 3 times is too much. The financial thing especially needs to be cut.

The best time to do something was yesterday, the second best time is now.

Do Not Wait - Wallows

 

[kittyloverxd]

I can totally understand where you're coming from and honestly I'm kinda in the same position (we ran away from our father because of the abuse and many multiple times where he attempted to kill us when he was drunk by pulling a kitchen knife but we ran out and locked the door before he got to us and called his side of family because we lived close, my brother was the same ish but less extreme but i finally snapped and we haven't talked since and we don't even see each other for about 3y and we live in a 1bedroom apartment with our mother)

Really sorry to hear about your relationship with your first partner and how it didn't go how you planned it would even though you and him have done so much together and had serious plans for your relationship in the future, you didn't really go much in depth about it but maybe it's possible to work things out but once you realize that he is no longer interested it's hard to swallow the truth but you have to accept his decisions and try your best to move on it'll be hard and take a long time but eventually as time goes on you will start to accept it and the feeling you are experiencing right now will start to mellow down but never really go away completely

I think the best choice right now would be, make sure you can think straight because you did just get broken up with those emotions might make you say something you don't really mean and it may worsen when you finally do go have the conversation with your mother. Once you've cooled down a bit I believe you should call your mother making a set time and date for you and your mother to speak about how you are feel towards her in person

Really sorry this happened to you if you need someone to talk too I'm always here^_^