Story I really wanted a family.

[LifeAfterDeath00]

Someone who would support me, love me, appreciate me.
Not those people who shamed me, called me not good enough, destroyed my spirit, destroyed everything. Always humiliated me every chance they got, and when I did end up doing something good they called it a fluke and took the credit away.
I hate them. I hate them so much. And now I have to die, I have to go.

 

[qwerty32]

Same here. Someone just for me.

 

[Deleted member 14573]

Hey LifeAfterDeath,

It sounds like you're living with a very abusive family. Mental torment can be so debilitating, and I really understand why you're feeling this way.

I'm wondering if you're still living with them? Your quality of life may improve a lot when you're away from the source of abuse. That's what I'm hoping for myself :(

 

[Finished]

I feel This in every way! And my reasons exactly why I'm ready to go

 

[Brick In The Wall]

I had a crappy family then I thought "hey I'll start my own!" So I did, I was married for 13 years and had two sons.

Then it was all ripped away from me. Now I don't know what to think anymore. On one hand I have two boys. But on the other they'll probably grow up to hate me now.

Point of the matter is, there's no easy solution to anything. There's no magic cure for depression or loneliness.

 

[Finished]

I had a crappy family then I thought "hey I'll start my own!" So I did, I was married for 13 years and had two sons.

Then it was all ripped away from me. Now I don't know what to think anymore. On one hand I have two boys. But on the other they'll probably grow up to hate me now.

Point of the matter is, there's no easy solution to anything. There's no magic cure for depression or loneliness.

I had that thought exactly that I would find and make my own family again but loneliness is something that I've realized I can be around a group of people and still be lonely

 

[Brick In The Wall]

I had that thought exactly that I would find and make my own family again but loneliness is something that I've realized I can be around a group of people and still be lonely

Reminds me of some wise words, from a wise man.

 

[LifeAfterDeath00]

This is the only place I feel safe strangely. Physical pain scares me, but the thought of afterlife scares me even more. Am I made to just suffer? I am sorry I began to believe this a long time ago.

 

[terry_a_davis]

Same but only when it was too late.

 

[Whited Sepulchre]

This is the only place I feel safe strangely. Physical pain scares me, but the thought of afterlife scares me even more. Am I made to just suffer? I am sorry I began to believe this a long time ago.

Yeah, people talk about living like it's the hardest thing to do. They keep saying, "Just go kill urself, if u wanna die so bad," "Killing urself is easier than living."
I feel like choosing to live on or attempting to end it all are both equally hard things dat end up with no rewards.
And frankly, being depressed kinda makes it easier to stay in whatever state (being barely alive) ur currently stuck in. Gets even worse when there's dat one person wrongly rooting for u to press on, when in reality, it just hurts and guilts u about feeling the way u do (just wanting to cease to exsist).

 

[esben350]

This is the only place I feel safe strangely. Physical pain scares me, but the thought of afterlife scares me even more. Am I made to just suffer? I am sorry I began to believe this a long time ago.

You will not experience a bad afterlife unless you did some horrying things to other people in your life (murder, kidnapping etc.)
Even the pain in the afterlife is temporary, and your consicousnes will cease to exist

 

[waterbottleman]

Reminds me of some wise words, from a wise man.

View attachment 32999

I don't understand this quote. If you have a loving/caring partner who regularly expresses their love and admiration for you, how can you feel alone around this person? I mean if you have a bad partner, a partner that isn't compatible with you or whatever (they could be a perfectly good person but they just don't fit with you), okay feeling alone around that person makes sense.

But if you have a great relationship full of affection and love.....idk I just don't get it.

I'll admit that I'm inexperienced when it comes to relationships, have only ever been in one that lasted for only about 6 or so months at most. But when I was with her I never felt alone (till the end of the relationship which is why we ended it).

Im sure there are a lot of things I just don't know cause I haven't experienced them, but I also sometimes can't help but think that normal people who have had multiple relationships/partners in their lives are spoiled and this makes them have unrealistic expectations in addition to fighting and sweating over the small stuff that honestly doesn't really matter. Sometimes I wonder if this is the double edged sword of being a decently or very attractive person, it goes to your head and you end up never being satisfied with anybody because you're always looking for something better instead of just loving the person you're with and being grateful for their companionship.

 

[toomuchtimetodie]

It sounds like you don't wish to die... Just saying the cliche I know but if your case is genuine then isn't developing your own family and getting rid of them the way to go? Sounds like you're ctb out of a sense of 'revenge' when if they are truly how you describe they won't care anyway...

 

[LifeAfterDeath00]

It sounds like you don't wish to die... Just saying the cliche I know but if your case is genuine then isn't developing your own family and getting rid of them the way to go? Sounds like you're ctb out of a sense of 'revenge' when if they are truly how you describe they won't care anyway...

I am aware they won't care. But what do I do by being alive? I have no friends with whom I can experience stuff, no boyfriend to love, no one who I can have a deep meaningful relationship, no one to talk about my troubles and share my achievement, no one to grow with, and it will remain like this. You are wrong I want to take revenge, I don't. I want to end this suffering, end y expectations from a world so devoid of the things I want, and I see there are people who get what I want from life, but it seems I a m not one of those people.

 

[toomuchtimetodie]

I am aware they won't care. But what do I do by being alive? I have no friends with whom I can experience stuff, no boyfriend to love, no one who I can have a deep meaningful relationship, no one to talk about my troubles and share my achievement, no one to grow with, and it will remain like this. You are wrong I want to take revenge, I don't. I want to end this suffering, end y expectations from a world so devoid of the things I want, and I see there are people who get what I want from life, but it seems I a m not one of those people.

I said "it *sounds* like revenge" I'm sure others will concur the way you've worded you are clearly not happy with them.

Those things don't come over-night... We would all like instant gratification for them but it doesn't exist.

I was actually trying to be helpful but as you will, good luck in life.

 

[Painpleasure]

On the plus side at least you didn't bring unnecessary life into this planet.

Fortunately, your unborn children will never have to suffer. They will be at peace in their non existence.

 

[LifeAfterDeath00]

I said "it *sounds* like revenge" I'm sure others will concur the way you've worded you are clearly not happy with them.

Those things don't come over-night... We would all like instant gratification for them but it doesn't exist.

I was actually trying to be helpful but as you will, good luck in life.

If you were trying to help, you should have worded it differently, telling me they won't care doesn't really help, nobody cared I always had to be used to it. But anyway, seems like you meant well.

 

[toomuchtimetodie]

If you were trying to help, you should have worded it differently, telling me they won't care doesn't really help, nobody cared I always had to be used to it. But anyway, seems like you meant well.

Perhaps, what I meant by "they won't care" as you describe them they are your biggest enemy of all so if you commit suicide they are essentially winning, but perseverance for the things you say you want in life you can achieve them and then if it's in your nature look down on your family after proving to them you CAN achieve things.

 

[LifeAfterDeath00]

Perhaps, what I meant by "they won't care" as you describe them they are your biggest enemy of all so if you commit suicide they are essentially winning, but perseverance for the things you say you want in life you can achieve them and then if it's in your nature look down on your family after proving to them you CAN achieve things.

beautiful advice.

well at least I have you guys. I am sorry if I cam as too defensive, you were right i really don't. But i don't want. to be stuck here under some false hope that I am someone worthy, and I can achieve something great in life, but I still do appreciate the support. And also what you said about it being my decision, I think I do want to live but I want to live to see better days, not the same whole I am not good enough over and over again.

 

[Despondent]

I'm so sorry to hear everything you've been through.. the title is really sad and my heart goes out to you :( Pm me if you ever need to talk ❤

 

[a.n.kirillov]

Bad for you guys, but probably better for all the children who didn't have to grow up with a dysfunctional, mentally unstable parent who browses websites like these.

I realized at ten years old that everyone who claims to be competent enough to raise a child is stupid, and everyone with enough intelligence to realize their own stupidity will not want to raise a child.

Everyone is incompetent at raising a child, it's something you can't not fuck up.

 

[darkhorse256]

Someone who would support me, love me, appreciate me.
Not those people who shamed me, called me not good enough, destroyed my spirit, destroyed everything. Always humiliated me every chance they got, and when I did end up doing something good they called it a fluke and took the credit away.
I hate them. I hate them so much. And now I have to die, I have to go.

I wanted a family too. But I realized how unfair it would be for me to bring a child into this cruel world.

 

[Shotgunjohn]

I should have had a child last year but we got rid of it. Maybe if we didn't I'd have a reason to live.

It seems like youve got it really rough. Sorry you have to live with that

 

[GoBack]

I did too really really since I was a teenager all I wanted was babies. Life got so fucked up, had miscarriages, even met the right person but that got fucked up too. Really can't see a point in life with no family of my own.

It's not just the idea of it, my body actually aches for not having kids

 

[nervousandanxious]

I did too really really since I was a teenager all I wanted was babies. Life got so fucked up, had miscarriages, even met the right person but that got fucked up too. Really can't see a point in life with no family of my own.

It's not just the idea of it, my body actually aches for not having kids

I feel the same way! As women, we have the maternal urge to reproduce before dying! I feel like I want to get pregnant and experience all this before I leave the world. That's the biggest hesitation I have about CTBing. I want to feel what it's like to be pregnant and feel the baby kick inside. Maybe it'll give us new meaning to life and make us want to stay ?!
Don't call the child "it"! Why did you get rid of this baby ?!

I should have had a child last year but we got rid of it. Maybe if we didn't I'd have a reason to live.

It seems like youve got it really rough. Sorry you have to live with that

 

[Realist101]

Some of the comments are making me sick. This sums it up....

"My life sucks, so I want to create more life, and then claim to love the people who I forced to potentially become suicidal who will also inevitably die".

I can't believe that people think that creating life is the solution to the problem of the existence of life. I can't believe people think that it is morally acceptable to force crying babies into a world we all hate so much just so you can have a chance of feeling a little better for a little while. This isn't directed at one person specifically, I just don't want people to think that creating life is the solution to life. How could creating more of something be the solution to the existence of that thing?

 

[lotus11]

I did too really really since I was a teenager all I wanted was babies. Life got so fucked up, had miscarriages, even met the right person but that got fucked up too. Really can't see a point in life with no family of my own.

It's not just the idea of it, my body actually aches for not having kids

I feel this so bad. But I always pretend to the outside world that I don't care about having kids, it's a lie. I just know the chances of anyone loving someone so fucked up, or believing in me that I could do it after a 10 year eating disorder are so small that its better to lie about it. But I don't have a lit of time left, so probably I will kill myself from the pain

 

[a.n.kirillov]

I feel this so bad. But I always pretend to the outside world that I don't care about having kids, it's a lie. I just know the chances of anyone loving someone so fucked up, or believing in me that I could do it after a 10 year eating disorder are so small that its better to lie about it. But I don't have a lit of time left, so probably I will kill myself from the pain

It's probably similar to mansions or yachts. Once you have them for a few weeks, you return to baseline happiness, and then you have a million more concerns on your hands: who's going to do the maintenance and repairs? who's gonna clean it? where are you going to park it over the winter months? how much will the insurance cost? what if someone breaks into it? what if you run into Somalian pirates who kidnap your wife? to whom are you gonna sell it once you don't want it anymore? etc etc
.
Im glad I don't have a yacht or a mansion, or in fact a kid.

 

[GoBack]

I feel this so bad. But I always pretend to the outside world that I don't care about having kids, it's a lie. I just know the chances of anyone loving someone so fucked up, or believing in me that I could do it after a 10 year eating disorder are so small that its better to lie about it. But I don't have a lit of time left, so probably I will kill myself from the pain

Ive not known pain like this before and I had a life of pain. Worst thing is I'm past it now, i couldn't raise kids now, couldn't give them a good life my health is too bad. 10 years ago if I hadn't been so stupid maybe things would've worked out like I truly believed they would. Eating disorder and meds have ruined my body and mind. And I'm old.

 

[nervousandanxious]

Ive not known pain like this before and I had a life of pain. Worst thing is I'm past it now, i couldn't raise kids now, couldn't give them a good life my health is too bad. 10 years ago if I hadn't been so stupid maybe things would've worked out like I truly believed they would. Eating disorder and meds have ruined my body and mind. And I'm old.

Don't say that! How old are you now ? You can still have a kid if you want. I feel like every woman should experience pregnancy if they want, before they die. It's intriguing that women can create human beings. It's our duty to pass on our genes if we have good ones to pass on.

Some of the comments are making me sick. This sums it up....

"My life sucks, so I want to create more life, and then claim to love the people who I forced to potentially become suicidal who will also inevitably die".

I can't believe that people think that creating life is the solution to the probpem of the existence of life. I can't believe people think that it is morally acceptable to force crying babies into a world we all hate so much just so you can have a chance of feeling a little better for a little while. This isn't directed at one person specifically, I just don't want people to think that creating life is the solution to life. How could creating more of something be the solution to the existence of that thing?

It would be a solution because as women, we are here to reproduce our genes and continue the family name/legacy. It isn't "selfish". Bringing a baby into the world is a blessing & we were just sayin we (as women) want to reproduce at least once before we die. And maybe having the baby will make life worth living again. You never know!