Venting I need to tell someone

[Aplev]

Content warning: I want to get off my chest a traumatic experience. It didn't happen during my childhood (as many of my traumatic experiences did), but it was still traumatic and it may be triggering for some, not for others.

You can reply or not, both are ok for me, just making this experience public makes me feel a lot better about it. In that sense, thanks for being there.

So I was raised by a very toxic person which some would call 'mother' (I don't want to call her that way anymore), but to me it was a source of pain, confusion, trauma and a lot of feelings of being broken and lots of problems in both my teenage and adult life years, specially from a social perspective. In some of my previous posts I talked more about that (for the same reason, to get it off my chest) but I don't want to get into the details here.

One of the things she always did was treating me like I was her husband (that's called parentification by the way). Or a very close friend which she went to for emotional support. So at a given moment of time, she comes to me and tells me (for the umpteenth time by the way, the same story repeated many many times, more than I can count) that she believes her boyfriend (which she called her husband but they weren't and probably aren't actually married) is cheating on her. So she says she believes she has proof, and that she wants to confront him... this time (because this also happened for the umpteenth time, "this time I will go" she always said, "oh I am so tired of this" she said, "oh I have received so much hurt" she said "oh he ruined my life" she said (but still had sex with him), but she never did anything and in the process only hurt me more with her emotional baggage, which she pulled fully into me, each time heavier than the last). So she pushes me into helping her basically hacking his computer and searching for cheating evidence. (in retrospective, "What a hero I am going to be", I must have thought.

Needless to say, I was shocked at her request, but not knowing any better, I just accepted. After all, that's what a good son does, right? A son should always be there for his mother, right? Attend to each and every of her whiny wishes, no matter how outrageous or demanding, right? ... right?

... but that's what I thought back then.

I really didn't know what I was doing and I really wanted my way out. I had so many feelings that I couldn't quite put into words. Shock, rage, frustration, some happiness too because I thought, "maybe this time she really will do it, yeah maybe for once she will respect herself and provide some actual example for her children to follow"... I get it that I just didn't know but still, the way I feel, that was very foolish of me and I need to process it that way. Like, yeah, I just wanted some glimpse of hope, who doesn't want a glimpse of hope when they are overwhelmed by sadness and pain? ... but still, that was so foolish of me.

So at some point, she starts screaming (very close to me by the way, just a few centimeters away, I mean we were sit next to each other), saying "I know I know he's hiding something", and I try to calmly ask her why she thinks that, and she just keeps repeating "I know, there was that folder before but it's not there anymore", never actually explaining anything, and me not knowing what to do, wanting to do my own stuff, studying, listening to music etc. etc., and she just keeps pressuring me, zero empathy, at some point, I think there was a hidden folder, or a folder that was removed but not completely (was in the recycle bin I think or I don't know, it's been some time ago and unpleasant enough to not want to remember all the details, except the most traumatizing ones I guess), point is, we get to a video, it's very short, someone is driving a car and they are reaching a hotel which seems to be somewhere in a route (not a city), surrounded by green, then the car stops as well as the video. No faces shown. It was very disturbing to say the least, specially when thinking about the context and what it could potentially mean. Oh, during the search process, I had also found the picture of a woman which neither me or her recognized. So, yeah. I felt very disturbed to say the least, even now as I remember the experience. I remember specially dissociating and thinking that there must be some sort of mistake, some sort of misunderstanding, it probably just looked that way but it was just a thought, maybe a movie, but I really wasn't there, I was the spectator, it wasn't happening to me, so no need to feel any pain, right? I mean, I am not the victim or the one being inflicted any pain, right? So no need to feel anything... right.

But yes, the truth is, I was devastated and then she doesn't help at all, she just screams more than before now saying things like "I knew it, I knew it", and I remember me thinking "well there aren't actually any people shown in the video, no reflections either or anything like that", she seemed to think the same because I remember her at some point saying things like "but she's clearly not there, we need to keep searching", I remember that at some point, maybe it was at that point, I just couldn't hold it anymore and I just shouted at her as well, trying to put my feelings into words, I don't remember in detail but, "just go, if you want to leave him, just leave, just leave!", not sure if I told her, but what I wanted to tell her is, "stop getting me in the middle of YOUR problems, this is between YOU and HIM, NOT ME, and please for the sake of your own health and that of the people you call 'family', stop impregnating everyone with your toxic behaviors, just stop already, you've been doing this for the last 23 years, just stop damn it, stop with the BS, ", curse included, I was that mad (and understandably I say). Like, do you really hate yourself that much? Do you really want for that who you call your child to hate himself for the rest of his life? To make him feel guilty, to make him feel like he wasn't good enough to stop you from the boyfriend who you call the monster in your home? To make him feel like he's the cause of all your pain and suffering, that all of this, ALL of it, would have been avoided if he just hadn't been born so you just hadn't gotten off with your boyfriend? Do you really want to strengthen that feeling really that bad?

Probably the worst part is that she kept saying things like 'yeah, your cousin told me the same', with such a condescending tone, like she really didn't care, like '*yawn* they told me that so many times, I couldn't care less you know? Be creative and say something new to me, please".

Of course this wasn't the first time something like this happened, like always, it felt like I was just talking to a wall. So eventually, I just left. And eventually, I left the house. And eventually, I broke all contact with her. I couldn't be happier about such decisions.

 

[Worndown]

Is she bipolar? She sounds like my ex. My daughter has stories that sound a lot like this.
Her solution is to create her own life.

 

[Iris Blue]

What you put I can actually somewhat relate to a lot but in a different way. I'll try to crunch everything up in a few paragraphs.

I was adopted when I was less than about a year old. I also have an older sister who was also adopted around 3 years before me. For the most part my younger years (probably I would say until 8 or so) things seemed ok. My adopted mom and dad for the most part got along, my mom was stay at home while my dad was working all the time. They weren't the happiest couple but from what I could see they got along at least.

That is until I was in about the 6th grade. A few times before they would get into screaming fits with each other, some of them I can remember clear as day 10 years later. One time they were fighting and to make things more clear, my mom was always the instigator, always returning to the room after a bit just to scream more hurtful and guilt tripping words while my dad usually tried to avoid conflict at all costs sometimes a bit too much by distancing himself.

It was I believe was a Sunday, my parents were fighting about something in the house and my sister and I were there too, my dad decided to take us to the park to get out of the house from all the arguing (I'm sure he did that for himself too). We were at the park trying to have some fun and somehow my mom found out where we were and came to the same park. They started yelling and screaming in public while my sister and I were close by. (Now there is going to be a "fun" little surprise at the end of this that will add on to the story). Anyways, they kept fighting and after a bit my dad took my sister and I back to the house while my mom angrily followed in her car not too far behind. Since my dad, sister and I got there first I vividly remember my sister and I running to the kitchen and grabbing a bunch of snacks and drinks to take to my sister rooms because we truly didn't know how long we'd be up there for while they fought.

After a few years as you would guess they got a divorce, none it was on papers yet but my dad moved out into his own apartment while my sister and I lived with my mom for the most part. We would see my dad on the weekends. I had a close relationship with both my parents despite them no longer being together but sooner than later I started to see my mom's true colors.

My older sister was diagnosed with autism at a young age and my mom took advantage of that and basically used her as her own therapist. It would start with my mom venting to my sister late at night or anytime where I wouldn't be there about my dad. All lies. I would hear my mom calling my dad a "son of a bitch" and a "selfish bastard". I was around 12 and my sister 15. My sister didn't know how to shut down the conversation and stop my mom from saying those lies so my mom took advantage of that. Me on the other hand, I was not having it and would constantly confront her about the conversations I overheard. But she decided that I was "just hearing things" and basically tried to make me think I was crazy. And if I tried to stand up to her and for my dad, I would get punished for it. The way my mom talked about my dad was so bad for a good 2 or so years my sister ended up hating my dad, every time my dad would pick us up from school or we'd go over there she would barely talk to him and when she did it was in such a mean and hateful way.

Before I got to live with my dad I was stuck living with my mom. She would try to brainwash us into thinking we should move to Florida with her family leaving my dad behind. We'd get in fights a lot and it was always obvious my mom favored my sister over me. Sometimes even comparing us to other people while we were there. After a few years I finally got to legally live with my dad. It only took a few hospitalizations to get it to happen. I remember the night I was going to live with him (probably around 13 or 14) I was still at my mom's and all she kept doing was try to guilt me into staying. Saying things like "do you even love me" and "after all I've done for you". I tried to overdose again that night because I couldn't take all of it. Obviously it didn't work however.

I still am with my dad sometimes I would try to have visits with my mom but they would go bad or I'd have so much anxiety being there I just couldn't. I feel guilty not trying to build a relationship with her again but I think at this point it isn't salvageable. A couple other bad things here and there throughout the years when I visited or she came to my inpatient and residential meetings but now I learned how to have boundaries, and especially since I'm older I can be more in control.

Also here's the kicker from the argument at the park: my dad ended up telling me years later while they were fighting my mom threatened the divorce then and there and said she'd take my sister and my dad will have me. Kind of hurts to know but I just cope with it all with humor.

Sorry you had to go through all that with your mom OP I'm very happy and proud of you for where you are now with your relationship with her!

 

[EvisceratedJester]

What you put I can actually somewhat relate to a lot but in a different way. I'll try to crunch everything up in a few paragraphs.

I was adopted when I was less than about a year old. I also have an older sister who was also adopted around 3 years before me. For the most part my younger years (probably I would say until 8 or so) things seemed ok. My adopted mom and dad for the most part got along, my mom was stay at home while my dad was working all the time. They weren't the happiest couple but from what I could see they got along at least.

That is until I was in about the 6th grade. A few times before they would get into screaming fits with each other, some of them I can remember clear as day 10 years later. One time they were fighting and to make things more clear, my mom was always the instigator, always returning to the room after a bit just to scream more hurtful and guilt tripping words while my dad usually tried to avoid conflict at all costs sometimes a bit too much by distancing himself.

It was I believe was a Sunday, my parents were fighting about something in the house and my sister and I were there too, my dad decided to take us to the park to get out of the house from all the arguing (I'm sure he did that for himself too). We were at the park trying to have some fun and somehow my mom found out where we were and came to the same park. They started yelling and screaming in public while my sister and I were close by. (Now there is going to be a "fun" little surprise at the end of this that will add on to the story). Anyways, they kept fighting and after a bit my dad took my sister and I back to the house while my mom angrily followed in her car not too far behind. Since my dad, sister and I got there first I vividly remember my sister and I running to the kitchen and grabbing a bunch of snacks and drinks to take to my sister rooms because we truly didn't know how long we'd be up there for while they fought.

After a few years as you would guess they got a divorce, none it was on papers yet but my dad moved out into his own apartment while my sister and I lived with my mom for the most part. We would see my dad on the weekends. I had a close relationship with both my parents despite them no longer being together but sooner than later I started to see my mom's true colors.

My older sister was diagnosed with autism at a young age and my mom took advantage of that and basically used her as her own therapist. It would start with my mom venting to my sister late at night or anytime where I wouldn't be there about my dad. All lies. I would hear my mom calling my dad a "son of a bitch" and a "selfish bastard". I was around 12 and my sister 15. My sister didn't know how to shut down the conversation and stop my mom from saying those lies so my mom took advantage of that. Me on the other hand, I was not having it and would constantly confront her about the conversations I overheard. But she decided that I was "just hearing things" and basically tried to make me think I was crazy. And if I tried to stand up to her and for my dad, I would get punished for it. The way my mom talked about my dad was so bad for a good 2 or so years my sister ended up hating my dad, every time my dad would pick us up from school or we'd go over there she would barely talk to him and when she did it was in such a mean and hateful way.

Before I got to live with my dad I was stuck living with my mom. She would try to brainwash us into thinking we should move to Florida with her family leaving my dad behind. We'd get in fights a lot and it was always obvious my mom favored my sister over me. Sometimes even comparing us to other people while we were there. After a few years I finally got to legally live with my dad. It only took a few hospitalizations to get it to happen. I remember the night I was going to live with him (probably around 13 or 14) I was still at my mom's and all she kept doing was try to guilt me into staying. Saying things like "do you even love me" and "after all I've done for you". I tried to overdose again that night because I couldn't take all of it. Obviously it didn't work however.

I still am with my dad sometimes I would try to have visits with my mom but they would go bad or I'd have so much anxiety being there I just couldn't. I feel guilty not trying to build a relationship with her again but I think at this point it isn't salvageable. A couple other bad things here and there throughout the years when I visited or she came to my inpatient and residential meetings but now I learned how to have boundaries, and especially since I'm older I can be more in control.

Also here's the kicker from the argument at the park: my dad ended up telling me years later while they were fighting my mom threatened the divorce then and there and said she'd take my sister and my dad will have me. Kind of hurts to know but I just cope with it all with humor.

Sorry you had to go through all that with your mom OP I'm very happy and proud of you for where you are now with your relationship with her!

Your mom reminds me a lot of my (ex-)stepmother. She used to have episodes where she would scream, hit, and throw things at my dad and trash the apartment. She also used to love trying to get me to turn against my mom and would sometimes rant about how much she didn't like my dad and make fun of my mom around me. She would even introduce me to others saying shit along the lines of "This is my step-daughter, but I'm actually more of a real mom to her than her actual mom. She even calls me 'mom'". I actually called her Ms.*step-mother's name* but would usually call her mother after she said that because I didn't want to know how she would react if I told them that I don't really her that. Sometimes I'm scared about her trying to brainwash my brother (he's actually her kid) into hating our dad but so far I haven't seen any signs of it, thankfully.

 

[Sleeper System]

We're just all so broken.

 

[Iris Blue]

Your mom reminds me a lot of my (ex-)stepmother. She used to have episodes where she would scream, hit, and throw things at my dad and trash the apartment. She also used to love trying to get me to turn against my mom and would sometimes rant about how much she didn't like my dad and make fun of my mom around me. She would even introduce me to others saying shit along the lines of "This is my step-daughter, but I'm actually more of a real mom to her than her actual mom. She even calls me 'mom'". I actually called her Ms.*step-mother's name* but would usually call her mother after she said that because I didn't want to know how she would react if I told them that I don't really her that. Sometimes I'm scared about her trying to brainwash my brother (he's actually her kid) into hating our dad but so far I haven't seen any signs of it, thankfully.

It definitely was hard seeing the impact my mom had on my sister, I always felt like the middleman but hopefully it won't be the same for your brother. At least he has you to lead him in the right path and no matter what, the truth will always come out one way or another. But if something like that were to happen I know your dad will be so grateful to have you by his side especially while it may seem like everyone else is against him. Wishing you best of luck

 

[EvisceratedJester]

It definitely was hard seeing the impact my mom had on my sister, I always felt like the middleman but hopefully it won't be the same for your brother. At least he has you to lead him in the right path and no matter what, the truth will always come out one way or another. But if something like that were to happen I know your dad will be so grateful to have you by his side especially while it may seem like everyone else is against him. Wishing you best of luck

Thanks. I'm sorry about what happened to you sister. It sounds horrible. She'll probably end up coming around and realize that your dad wasn't the bad guy your mother made her out to be. I used to look down at my mom to some degree thanks to stepmother but eventually I grew up to realize she was just lying and manipulating me. She'll come to realize the truth someday.

 

[Aplev]

We're just all so broken.

I agree.

Is she bipolar? She sounds like my ex. My daughter has stories that sound a lot like this.
Her solution is to create her own life.

I assume. She could be the most caring person in the world at times, which is why people usually called me out for being 'the actual problem' (needless to say that brought a lot of trauma in itself). She was an extremely unstable person. She said once that she was going to a therapist but she eventually left (and like always, with her condescending tone, she would say stuff like 'she told me to be so strong for you, my children', but not actually moving a finger to make our lives any better). And yeah I try to do the same, to create my own life. Not too many other choices. Sometimes I wish I had someone to share the happy (and sad) moments of my life with, but I don't have any family. Unlike others have been saying here, even that who some would call 'father' was extremely abusive to me, sometimes hitting me physically, telling me that I am so stupid, that he's so ashamed of having me as his 'son' (that's what he called me), among other stuff I think I prefer not remembering much in detail now. Hell, even that who some call 'grandparents' were abusive to me. So I don't have a family, I never had it in the first place, probably never will. Focusing on my own life is better than being surrounded by people who hurt me in so many different ways and at so many different levels though.

What you put I can actually somewhat relate to a lot but in a different way. I'll try to crunch everything up in a few paragraphs.

I was adopted when I was less than about a year old. I also have an older sister who was also adopted around 3 years before me. For the most part my younger years (probably I would say until 8 or so) things seemed ok. My adopted mom and dad for the most part got along, my mom was stay at home while my dad was working all the time. They weren't the happiest couple but from what I could see they got along at least.

That is until I was in about the 6th grade. A few times before they would get into screaming fits with each other, some of them I can remember clear as day 10 years later. One time they were fighting and to make things more clear, my mom was always the instigator, always returning to the room after a bit just to scream more hurtful and guilt tripping words while my dad usually tried to avoid conflict at all costs sometimes a bit too much by distancing himself.

It was I believe was a Sunday, my parents were fighting about something in the house and my sister and I were there too, my dad decided to take us to the park to get out of the house from all the arguing (I'm sure he did that for himself too). We were at the park trying to have some fun and somehow my mom found out where we were and came to the same park. They started yelling and screaming in public while my sister and I were close by. (Now there is going to be a "fun" little surprise at the end of this that will add on to the story). Anyways, they kept fighting and after a bit my dad took my sister and I back to the house while my mom angrily followed in her car not too far behind. Since my dad, sister and I got there first I vividly remember my sister and I running to the kitchen and grabbing a bunch of snacks and drinks to take to my sister rooms because we truly didn't know how long we'd be up there for while they fought.

After a few years as you would guess they got a divorce, none it was on papers yet but my dad moved out into his own apartment while my sister and I lived with my mom for the most part. We would see my dad on the weekends. I had a close relationship with both my parents despite them no longer being together but sooner than later I started to see my mom's true colors.

My older sister was diagnosed with autism at a young age and my mom took advantage of that and basically used her as her own therapist. It would start with my mom venting to my sister late at night or anytime where I wouldn't be there about my dad. All lies. I would hear my mom calling my dad a "son of a bitch" and a "selfish bastard". I was around 12 and my sister 15. My sister didn't know how to shut down the conversation and stop my mom from saying those lies so my mom took advantage of that. Me on the other hand, I was not having it and would constantly confront her about the conversations I overheard. But she decided that I was "just hearing things" and basically tried to make me think I was crazy. And if I tried to stand up to her and for my dad, I would get punished for it. The way my mom talked about my dad was so bad for a good 2 or so years my sister ended up hating my dad, every time my dad would pick us up from school or we'd go over there she would barely talk to him and when she did it was in such a mean and hateful way.

Before I got to live with my dad I was stuck living with my mom. She would try to brainwash us into thinking we should move to Florida with her family leaving my dad behind. We'd get in fights a lot and it was always obvious my mom favored my sister over me. Sometimes even comparing us to other people while we were there. After a few years I finally got to legally live with my dad. It only took a few hospitalizations to get it to happen. I remember the night I was going to live with him (probably around 13 or 14) I was still at my mom's and all she kept doing was try to guilt me into staying. Saying things like "do you even love me" and "after all I've done for you". I tried to overdose again that night because I couldn't take all of it. Obviously it didn't work however.

I still am with my dad sometimes I would try to have visits with my mom but they would go bad or I'd have so much anxiety being there I just couldn't. I feel guilty not trying to build a relationship with her again but I think at this point it isn't salvageable. A couple other bad things here and there throughout the years when I visited or she came to my inpatient and residential meetings but now I learned how to have boundaries, and especially since I'm older I can be more in control.

Also here's the kicker from the argument at the park: my dad ended up telling me years later while they were fighting my mom threatened the divorce then and there and said she'd take my sister and my dad will have me. Kind of hurts to know but I just cope with it all with humor.

Sorry you had to go through all that with your mom OP I'm very happy and proud of you for where you are now with your relationship with her!

I am totally fine with 'long' (what is long and what is short, that's subjective) texts, so no issues in that sense.

Thanks for sharing your story with me and us here. I can relate to your sister in many ways. I even remembered some stuff that felt like I had totally forgotten about (but I am thankful for it, remembering helps me process, even if sometimes it seems like too much). I remember me trying to make sure I got snacks, food, that I had gone to the bathroom, etc. so that I didn't have to go away of my room while they were fighting. I also remember sometimes doing the same when they abused me, and didn't want to talk about it, I just didn't want to look them in the face, ever again. But we were still living in the same house. It was so uncomfortable. Unfortunately in my case, I don't think I had anyone who stepped up for me. In your case, I see you stepped up for your sister. In my case, everyone was abusive so it just couldn't be helped (also they never got a divorce, I mean they weren't married in the first place but you get what I mean, they never actually stopped living together under the same ceiling, there was no happy ending, not this time). I was raised thinking this was normal, since, well, if everyone's like that, then I must be 'the actual problem', just like the people around me said. I wish it was different but that's how it happened.

Also, it's interesting that you mention that your sister has autism because I am sure I am as well, and deep inside, I believe both of them knew. But of course, given how little they cared about my mental health, they never actually moved any finger to give me proper treatment. Heck, they were most likely the main cause. Of course they wouldn't do anything, that would be admitting their faults. And maybe more importantly to them, accepting that all of their children were 'defects' (my younger brother was diagnosed autism, although unfortunately, not sure if because he actually has something else that I was never told about, or why, but he cannot talk, he cannot communicate with other people, he can only mumble, he also can't take care of himself, he needs to be taken care of 24/7). It must have been particularly hurtful for the male one, knowing the only one that wasn't a 'defect' wasn't his son, but the son of his girlfriend's ex (some would call him 'my older brother'). He expressed his anger by, always in front of me, hitting him, throwing him down the stairs, stomping on his mother's phone and trashing it, and abusing him in many other ways, making sure he broke so not only his children were 'defects'. Maybe he also wanted to show me that he was a 'man', that he 'cared' about me in his own twisted way. I wonder if he knows how he created the complete opposite effect.

I can also relate to how your mother talked trash about your father, whenever he wasn't around. Sometimes, the older one (that who some would call 'my older brother'), which was always on her side of course (and she on his, making sure I got 'what I deserved' for the abuse the male one gave him) would make me write derogatory sentences in a paper, things like 'my father is cheap', all along the paper, one line below the last one. Maybe, the difference in my case is that they were both POS.

"Make me think I was crazy", oh gosh, that's so painfully relatable. So painfully relatable. From both of them.

"We'd get in fights a lot and it was always obvious my mom favored my sister over me. Sometimes even comparing us to other people while we were there". Yes. This so much. She always favored him.

"Saying things like "do you even love me" and "after all I've done for you". I tried to overdose again that night because I couldn't take all of it. Obviously it didn't work however.". It's interesting that you overdosed because I did too. I just wanted to go to sleep and rest for once. Even if that meant not feeling anymore.

"I think at this point it isn't salvageable". Yeah, I gave up on it. I used to think, 'one day they (she included) will write to me and tell me they are sorry for abusing me and they want to start over". Years passed, even with their texts they continued the abuse. I decided enough is enough and I blocked everyone. I sincerely hope I never get to see or know about them ever again.

"Sorry you had to go through all that with your mom OP I'm very happy and proud of you for where you are now with your relationship with her!"

Thank you for your kind words Quiet_Anonymity. As I said above, it's very sad to not have a family, but at least I am living my own life, and that is better than being hurt all the time by the people who are supposed to love you and be there when nobody else is.

 

[Iris Blue]

I have no words. I can't imagine how hard it was being mostly on your own. The way your described the male one (correct me if I'm wrong but are you referring to your biological "father"?) mistreating the older one since he wasn't "defective", which I hope you know now you and your younger brother are not defects at all and never were. I understand how much of an impact the higher up roles can make and how what they say can plant a seed in your mind to make you start to think and believe what they are saying.

How you described the way the male one and your ex stepmother (more like stepmonster) didn't provide you the treatment you needed definitely make a huge impact on how you live your everyday life. For my sister she was in special classes and had a therapist to help with what she struggled with and was taught a set of skills to be able to cope easier. Of course, it didn't make things perfect but it did help. I also would like to add just for extra clarification incase you need it, having a disability does not make you "defective" I can only imagine the other things you had to go through to feel that way and I would be lying if I told you I didn't feel that way myself sometimes but, at least for my sister, although she has autism I can confidently say she is the smartest person I know. She always can strike up a conversation easily with anyone in the room and literally remembers every living soul she knows birthday. How you mentioned your brother having a more severe case of autism and possibly something else I'm sure must be difficult, but that in no way makes him a defect either. Even though I'm just a stranger and what I said may not mean much, you and your brother are not defective. You were just given higher ups who were ineffective in giving you what you need.

I know there are a lot of people in this world and lots of them are going through tough times. I'm just kind of mind blown though how in some ways our stories are similar. At least for me I had my dad I can't even imagine how much more hard it would be going solo so kudos to you! I would love to maybe continue the conversation if you would be interested, you are more than welcome to dm me if you'd like whether it's about the past or present. (:

 

[Aplev]

I have no words. I can't imagine how hard it was being mostly on your own. The way your described the male one (correct me if I'm wrong but are you referring to your biological "father"?) mistreating the older one since he wasn't "defective", which I hope you know now you and your younger brother are not defects at all and never were. I understand how much of an impact the higher up roles can make and how what they say can plant a seed in your mind to make you start to think and believe what they are saying.

How you described the way the male one and your ex stepmother (more like stepmonster) didn't provide you the treatment you needed definitely make a huge impact on how you live your everyday life. For my sister she was in special classes and had a therapist to help with what she struggled with and was taught a set of skills to be able to cope easier. Of course, it didn't make things perfect but it did help. I also would like to add just for extra clarification incase you need it, having a disability does not make you "defective" I can only imagine the other things you had to go through to feel that way and I would be lying if I told you I didn't feel that way myself sometimes but, at least for my sister, although she has autism I can confidently say she is the smartest person I know. She always can strike up a conversation easily with anyone in the room and literally remembers every living soul she knows birthday. How you mentioned your brother having a more severe case of autism and possibly something else I'm sure must be difficult, but that in no way makes him a defect either. Even though I'm just a stranger and what I said may not mean much, you and your brother are not defective. You were just given higher ups who were ineffective in giving you what you need.

I know there are a lot of people in this world and lots of them are going through tough times. I'm just kind of mind blown though how in some ways our stories are similar. At least for me I had my dad I can't even imagine how much more hard it would be going solo so kudos to you! I would love to maybe continue the conversation if you would be interested, you are more than welcome to dm me if you'd like whether it's about the past or present. (:

Thank you so much for the empathy. I understand it must be hard to understand what I am saying when using these terms, but using any other names make me feel a pit in my stomach, rage, wrath, sadness, frustration, all emotions at once, and even these descriptions I feel they don't do justice to how intense I feel when thinking about it. I just can't accept that I was born from (I hope I can use this word) such scum. I get it they had difficult upbringings but that's no reason to throw it all on me. But, I guess it's true that I have a biological "father" and a biological "mother" and it might be better for me if I come to terms with that. We are still different people. I will use quotes though. For the sake of clear communication, yes, when I said 'the male one' I was referring to my biological "father" and 'the older one' is my older "brother". I also like how you use the term 'higher up roles', maybe I could use that too.

I actually didn't have a stepmother, what I meant to say is that me and my older "brother" have only our biological "mother" in common. So we are only "half-brothers". Me and my young brother, we were born from the same biological "father" and "mother". It would be accurate to say my biological "father" is my older "brother"'s stepfather. I really don't know what crossed my biological "father"'s mind but given that I am older now and see things from a different perspective, I feel certain he just hated to have to raise someone else's child (he, my older "half-brother" was only 5 years old, or 3 I think, oh yes 3, because he was 5 years old when I was born), specially when he seemed so healthy and smart. Me and my younger brother just didn't match his expectations, and for him that was reason enough to mistreat us and my older "half-brother" (in this sense, I feel conflicted on how to refer to him, he was heavily abused as well but regardless, he hurt me so much, I get it, because he felt like it was my fault that he was being abused, but still...).

What you say does mean something, at least it does mean something to me. Thank you.

Sure, DM'ed.

 

[Newfiegeorge]

We're just all so broken.

What's it mean to be not broken?

 

[Aplev]

What's it mean to be not broken?

I wish I could know.