Venting I need pills to sleep. I hate this.

[gwensaysgoodbye]

It's as simple as that. As of recently I've been using pills to sleep. Before this I'd just use whatever we'd have to get a high; if end up being over 2000mgs in whatever mix of pills I'd be taking and it was great. It was one of the few times I felt good and ok. One of the extremely few times. The only times they'd be bad is when the night time psychosis kicked in. And oh boy was being high on pills during that hell.

But now I'm off that, now I just can't sleep anymore. Paranoia and panic filling me every second of every day and night. Last night though I found some Benadryl, considering one of the symptoms was it made you extremely tired, I took about 2 in hopes of it knocking me out. I did the same tonight. I hate that I'm this mentally fucked that I can't even sleep normally and need whatever pills I have to get a nights rest.

There's something horrible wrong with me and I hate it. I don't even know if my version of reality is the truth or not. I try so hard to be a good person, a good friend, and I feel I always fuck up. I'll always just fuck up. And it's all my fault because I'm too much of a pushover who believes what he's told. I can't stand up for myself for shit and it makes my life hell cause I only realize things once others point them out. This has been taken advantage of so many times. I'm just tired. I don't know what to believe ever. I just want to sleep normally one day without the pills. But that'll probably never happen.

I hope I die soon because I really can't do this much longer. I'm scared to hurt people. I'm scared of myself and if everything I believe is just a false. I hope this pain just goes away.

 

[milkytoast467]

It's as simple as that. As of recently I've been using pills to sleep. Before this I'd just use whatever we'd have to get a high; if end up being over 2000mgs in whatever mix of pills I'd be taking and it was great. It was one of the few times I felt good and ok. One of the extremely few times. The only times they'd be bad is when the night time psychosis kicked in. And oh boy was being high on pills during that hell.

But now I'm off that, now I just can't sleep anymore. Paranoia and panic filling me every second of every day and night. Last night though I found some Benadryl, considering one of the symptoms was it made you extremely tired, I took about 2 in hopes of it knocking me out. I did the same tonight. I hate that I'm this mentally fucked that I can't even sleep normally and need whatever pills I have to get a nights rest.

There's something horrible wrong with me and I hate it. I don't even know if my version of reality is the truth or not. I try so hard to be a good person, a good friend, and I feel I always fuck up. I'll always just fuck up. And it's all my fault because I'm too much of a pushover who believes what he's told. I can't stand up for myself for shit and it makes my life hell cause I only realize things once others point them out. This has been taken advantage of so many times. I'm just tired. I don't know what to believe ever. I just want to sleep normally one day without the pills. But that'll probably never happen.

I hope I die soon because I really can't do this much longer. I'm scared to hurt people. I'm scared of myself and if everything I believe is just a false. I hope this pain just goes away.

I'm sorry that you feel that way. I also try to be a good person and a decent human but I feel like I'm failing others sometimes. If you don't mind, perhaps we could chat with each other? I've been feeling a bit lonely lately.

 

[LostHighway]

It's as simple as that. As of recently I've been using pills to sleep. Before this I'd just use whatever we'd have to get a high; if end up being over 2000mgs in whatever mix of pills I'd be taking and it was great. It was one of the few times I felt good and ok. One of the extremely few times. The only times they'd be bad is when the night time psychosis kicked in. And oh boy was being high on pills during that hell.

But now I'm off that, now I just can't sleep anymore. Paranoia and panic filling me every second of every day and night. Last night though I found some Benadryl, considering one of the symptoms was it made you extremely tired, I took about 2 in hopes of it knocking me out. I did the same tonight. I hate that I'm this mentally fucked that I can't even sleep normally and need whatever pills I have to get a nights rest.

There's something horrible wrong with me and I hate it. I don't even know if my version of reality is the truth or not. I try so hard to be a good person, a good friend, and I feel I always fuck up. I'll always just fuck up. And it's all my fault because I'm too much of a pushover who believes what he's told. I can't stand up for myself for shit and it makes my life hell cause I only realize things once others point them out. This has been taken advantage of so many times. I'm just tired. I don't know what to believe ever. I just want to sleep normally one day without the pills. But that'll probably never happen.

I hope I die soon because I really can't do this much longer. I'm scared to hurt people. I'm scared of myself and if everything I believe is just a false. I hope this pain just goes away.

I have SEVERE insomnia. I get zero sleep three days a week. I didn't sleep last night. I am bed-bound because of it. My life is done. I've had insomnia for 28 years, longer than you've been alive. I know shit. Are you taking benzos or were you recently taking them? Because it sure sounds like you are going through something called interdose withdrawal or post acute withdrawal syndrome. You need to grow up and stop popping whatever pills like their candy. Cause and Effect. The GOOD NEWS is you're young and likely healthy enough to SLOWLY AND SAFELY withdraw, if you're dependent on something. If it's a benzo, I can walk you through it. I went through it.
So what if you took a couple Benadryl. MILLIONS of people do. It's not good for you to take regularly but stop beating yourself up about it. The best thing for sleep is to get out in the sun for as long as you can or to use a SAD lamp as soon as you wake up. And then take .3 to .5 mg melatonin 5 to 7 hours before bedtime. Not 3 to 5 mg. There are all sorts of supplements that help as well. Also, get Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for insomnia (CBT-i). Ask your doctor about it. It's the first line of treatment. AND EXERCISE. If after months none of this works, you can try medication. The safest meds are in the DORA class of drugs: Belsomra, Quivig and Dayvigo. They're not bad for the brain. If one of them doesn't work, you can try 7.5 mg Mirtazepine or 50 mg Trazodone. But please do everything you can to not start taking pills at this point. Benadryl and Unisom are not good for you. And neither is Ambien or Lunesta or ANY benzo.
Other things that can help, off the top of my head: if you have a passion, lose yourself in it, listen to cozy audiobooks at night before bed, write down things you need to do before bed so you don't think about them in the middle of the night, if you have serious problems in life, start a plan for how to deal with them maturely, surround yourself with supportive, positive, loving, interesting, decent people who adore you. AND who are kind go others, get out in NATURE, do art or write music, or play frisbee or whatever.
Again, if you're on benzos do NOT stop cold turkey. That will only make things worse. To know if it's the benzos giving you insomnia, take a little bit more one night. If you sleep, then it's the benzo. If you're not taking any or haven't, then YAY! You got this. You'll be able to sleep. Don't become like me.

 

[Bishop]

Yup insomnia here as well.