louboutinsuicide
i don wanna die i jus dk how 2 live
- Dec 30, 2025
- 30
i was with a kid from sept-feb. throughout the relationship i progressively made more mistakes without any bad intention. for example having a male friend who used to like me, reaching out to people when the boy would tell me he's kicking me out and then lying about asking someone about whether someone i was physical with in heavy drug use had ODed or not, knowing what the reaction would be if i told the truth. i was being accused of cheating all the time, and there was a straw and i left. i invalidated him on his false fear of my iphone notifs, when they were just text responses to housing i was eyeing for us. he told me to gtfo repeatedly through text for 3 days. i tried to approach him but he told me i was a whore for the streets, that he sees no future with me. i was pregnant and he kept repeating it wasn't mine. he said i made him this way with all of my actions, and subsequent inability to understand my wrongs. i was on my way to railing lines again with how often we were breaking up.
before i left i left him notes and letters, sent videos, explaining that distance would be good for us. i left while he was at work. there was no attempts to call or text until i did. he was hurt and made up a story in his mind that i had fucked his friend, along with believing by week 2-3 i already had other bodies. he threatened my life told me he wish he could kill me so no one else had to go through this with me. i asked him for help with money and he rejected it, believing i was trying to go on a date. he ended up caving and inviting me over once, jizzed in me, holy shit i was so happy i thought we were okay again, and then 2 hours after i left he tells me he needs healing and to contact in may. again i kept trying to knock his wall down, up until around end of march where i just completely gave up after all of the verbal carnage and misunderstanding. at that point my mother was in the hospital and my job was cutting my hours. rent was due. i decided to go out and do a gfe (girlfriend experience) with a man and then do a fucking modeling shoot with another. the latter ended up offering more for a bj. disgusting i know im sorry i hate myself for it too.
suddenly in april he caved yet again and we stuck together since then. i told him about situation one but never two up until a week ago where i broke down in tears telling him i want to have him but must confess. throughout the entire time he asked me what else i did during the break. i lied to him and he was right about me not telling the full truth. he told me i had an hour to leave and i called the cops which set forth a legal process. i just went through yet another abortion with him last week and missed a whole check. since that day he's bought a car and got 8 tattoos. i do not have the means to leave financially let alone cope with this emotionally.
my side doesn't matter to him, he truly believes i provoked him that night i left and made matters worse, he does not see what drove me to commit my Action. there is no reconcile. i forgave him for everything, the push and pull, playing with my safety by telling me he'll stop paying my rent, threatening my life knowing he had bought a gun and still showing up at his door, putting 3 kids in me i had to shred my uterus for, which he says is on me for being so adamant to be cummed in. he let me into his room twice since the incident to suck him off and won't let me hold him afterwards. i tell him that's exactly what he hates me for but again it's my fault, he could be inviting other girls over he says.
how is none of that understandable to him? am i really that insane and unintelligent?
i know how i function after breakups and somehow i have to do this one while continuing to be sober. im told its for the best, but i know how horribly he felt during the split. he had lost all of his friends and blew all his money, his commission based checks went down, was planning to do something drastic. is not having anyone better than forgiving me?
i have a horrible urgency to understand what is right and wrong in this situation. i don't understand. i feel crazy for having a story, i feel crazy for explaining the concept of a butterfly effect. i genuinely don't know how ill make it out of this one.
please dont pity me just tell me the truth.
before i left i left him notes and letters, sent videos, explaining that distance would be good for us. i left while he was at work. there was no attempts to call or text until i did. he was hurt and made up a story in his mind that i had fucked his friend, along with believing by week 2-3 i already had other bodies. he threatened my life told me he wish he could kill me so no one else had to go through this with me. i asked him for help with money and he rejected it, believing i was trying to go on a date. he ended up caving and inviting me over once, jizzed in me, holy shit i was so happy i thought we were okay again, and then 2 hours after i left he tells me he needs healing and to contact in may. again i kept trying to knock his wall down, up until around end of march where i just completely gave up after all of the verbal carnage and misunderstanding. at that point my mother was in the hospital and my job was cutting my hours. rent was due. i decided to go out and do a gfe (girlfriend experience) with a man and then do a fucking modeling shoot with another. the latter ended up offering more for a bj. disgusting i know im sorry i hate myself for it too.
suddenly in april he caved yet again and we stuck together since then. i told him about situation one but never two up until a week ago where i broke down in tears telling him i want to have him but must confess. throughout the entire time he asked me what else i did during the break. i lied to him and he was right about me not telling the full truth. he told me i had an hour to leave and i called the cops which set forth a legal process. i just went through yet another abortion with him last week and missed a whole check. since that day he's bought a car and got 8 tattoos. i do not have the means to leave financially let alone cope with this emotionally.
my side doesn't matter to him, he truly believes i provoked him that night i left and made matters worse, he does not see what drove me to commit my Action. there is no reconcile. i forgave him for everything, the push and pull, playing with my safety by telling me he'll stop paying my rent, threatening my life knowing he had bought a gun and still showing up at his door, putting 3 kids in me i had to shred my uterus for, which he says is on me for being so adamant to be cummed in. he let me into his room twice since the incident to suck him off and won't let me hold him afterwards. i tell him that's exactly what he hates me for but again it's my fault, he could be inviting other girls over he says.
how is none of that understandable to him? am i really that insane and unintelligent?
i know how i function after breakups and somehow i have to do this one while continuing to be sober. im told its for the best, but i know how horribly he felt during the split. he had lost all of his friends and blew all his money, his commission based checks went down, was planning to do something drastic. is not having anyone better than forgiving me?
i have a horrible urgency to understand what is right and wrong in this situation. i don't understand. i feel crazy for having a story, i feel crazy for explaining the concept of a butterfly effect. i genuinely don't know how ill make it out of this one.
please dont pity me just tell me the truth.
