Venting I miss her >_<

[fromange]

Ahhh. Sorry for spamming with threads. But dumping my rumination, read if bored.

I don't feel as bad if I think about other things ->
Maybe I don't have to go ->
But I'm lonely ->
I think about ex ->
I miss her ->
She'll never reach out to me again ->
I hurt her and pushed her away by being unattractive. I'll always ruin relationships. It's very unlikely I find love again and it lasts ->
I'm a loser she'll definitely never come back with me like this. It's so embarrassing I'm still alive. I need to kms. ->
There are others in worse situations and I'm claiming to be suicidal with this bs I'm just weak. Toughen up ->
I'm not that tough. I'm not cut out for reality I just want things to be easy. I don't want to try hard. ->
Kys kys kys....

Start over once tired of thinking and realizing I don't have the courage or "enough good reasons" to commit at the end of the day and I'm just an asshole using suicide ideation as an escape.

 

[anonymoustache]

I feel mostly similar to how you described it. That makes the two of us.

 

[whybother2002]

I don't really have much experience on the subject to say something worthwhile. But reading "I hurt her and pushed her away by being unattractive" makes me really confused. Being sad it's not about rational thoughts at all (the opposite, actually), but I don't think what you said is true.

Unattractive? You loved this person deeply and you clearly experienced something meaningful in this relationship. You had a taste of love and you were loved. Why unattractive then? Why undeserving of love? Sorry, even if you fucked up (and all of us do, including your ex, even if she has become an ideal instead of a person now), to me your account of what happened means you clearly have lots of love to give and receive. And that no, you're not unattractive at all (or else, how would you have lived this with the person you put into a pedestal?)

But for now I'd concentrate in keeping my head busy. It's time, even if it seems you have no force at all, to get back on that hobby you like. Maybe go out with some friends. Watch a long anime. Change your style. Buy new clothes... Love will eventually get back into your life, and this time around you won't think about how you are unattractive and how you will destroy everything.

 

[fromange]

I don't really have much experience on the subject to say something worthwhile. But reading "I hurt her and pushed her away by being unattractive" makes me really confused. Being sad it's not about rational thoughts at all (the opposite, actually), but I don't think what you said is true.

Unattractive? You loved this person deeply and you clearly experienced something meaningful in this relationship. You had a taste of love and you were loved. Why unattractive then? Why undeserving of love? Sorry, even if you fucked up (and all of us do, including your ex, even if she has become an ideal instead of a person now), to me your account of what happened means you clearly have lots of love to give and receive. And that no, you're not unattractive at all (or else, how would you have lived this with the person you put into a pedestal?)

But for now I'd concentrate in keeping my head busy. It's time, even if it seems you have no force at all, to get back on that hobby you like. Maybe go out with some friends. Watch a long anime. Change your style. Buy new clothes... Love will eventually get back into your life, and this time around you won't think about how you are unattractive and how you will destroy everything.

Well, I can be loved if I'm the one put on a pedestal. But I revealed more of myself to her, she couldn't stand me. That crush infatuation died out. I wanna be loved. Sure it's "possible." But I realistically find it really hard to change myself. Unloveavle traits being ADHD and depression symptoms. Maybe a better chance with someone with all the same flaws or as many flaws as me, but hypocritically, I don't find that hypothetical person attractive either. I'm just sad that even if the world moves perfectly and she comes back or someone enters my life, it won't work because I'm the issue, not them.

I try my best. I journal, I meditate (more like breathing exercise now when my HR is up), medicate, try to go outside and socialize. But I feel like a burden and just an unnecessary person in a social setting because of my depression and anxiety. I don't have anything intetesting or funny to say. Yes I have thoughts that I think are funny but I get cold reactions when I say them. Everyone laughs at everyone else's jokes and all. But I don't find them funny and sometimes upsetting. I try to smile as much as possible and laugh at jokes I wouldn't naturally laugh at if no one was watching. But I can zone out at look like a sad loser. Who wants to be around someone like that, you know. A downer. My favorite activity is cycling but I felt so empty while doing it recently. I just wanted to talk to her. Idk what's fun for me anymore. If you have movie or show recommendations I would like some since I haven't seen anything recently. My mind just spirals in "kys" and the r word with the slightest moment of silence. I had a nightmare last night where I told my family about my thoughts and I get yelled at and chased around the world by them. It was awful. I have no one that can comfort me. I'm sorry it's negative but I've been so bogged down recently like nothing is helping.