Venting i might have a meltdown

[borntosuffer]

two or three weeks ago, i stopped taking my SSRIs and anti-psychotics. ever since then, i've been dealing with this unwavering frustration for the past few days. i want to avoid going out to public spaces altogether, but i can't because my family always drags me along with them to church events... i want to cut off all my friends... i wish i was emotionally intelligent. my therapist says that i am because i have a lot of empathy and care for others, but i don't feel the same way about myself. im so frustrated and i don't know why. im glad im unemployed because i would have had an outburst at a coworker or customer by now... but while im working on my online classes i begin hitting myself, and it's an automatic repetitive movement like how i bounce my legs. i wish i can self-harm by cutting like i did before, but i know ill be found out one way or another no matter how i try to hide it. i dislike the hassle of having to hide my scars anyway solely because society doesnt want to see them. it's not that i hide my healed scars because im ashamed; other people want me to hide them. i almost deliberately harmed my pet last night and i feel terrible because i hate animal abusers. i dont think im schizophrenic but ive also been hearing faint whispers and ,,, weird noises. it's not new to me. i hate relying on medicine because it makes me wish i was normal. i deeply regret getting rid of all of my blades and laxatives. i only have about three blades left... i had hundreds before. i thought i would be done with self-harm for good... i need to take out this frustration on myself before i hurt anything else. i love my dogs.

i have a therapy session this thursday and i know im going to hate it because im just going to break down crying during the session, which ive never done before. i want to cancel that appointment before it's too late.

every little thing ticks me off. im so afraid to be vulnerable and ask for help, even for small things. the only thing that is somewhat regulating me is AJJ's cover of "Mellow My Mind" by Neil Young. i dont want to have a meltdown because people would think im "back to square one" again. i hate that term so much

i dont really know if theres a purpose to making this post, but i havent been able to talk about this stuff for a while. i dont want to CTB yet because theres still a lot i want to do with my life. i wish i could skip the hard parts. i dont care about being happy, i care about being at peace .. one day i will CTB and i will be in the purest resting place

 

[nicotine_goblin]

Sorry to hear you're going through so much currently. I'm not a psychiatrist so I can't give a proper advice, though I think the frustration could be from stopping your meds. I think you shouldn't cancel the appointment, it's perfectly normal to be vulnerable and even cry with a therapist. I found that crying can be a decent alternative to self harm so it might even be beneficial to let yourself vent all those suppresed emotions. Maybe it could help to start the meds again, it's up to you. Either way I wish you good luck

 

[Larysa]

Did you go cold turkey off your meds? That can be a total headfuck. It's not fair on your poor brain. Even if you tapered, the end point can be particularly hard.

 

[borntosuffer]

Did you go cold turkey off your meds? That can be a total headfuck. It's not fair on your poor brain. Even if you tapered, the end point can be particularly hard.

Haha yes, I did. I know I shouldn't have but I just got so sick of it. You're right.

 

[Larysa]

Haha yes, I did. I know I shouldn't have but I just got so sick of it. You're right.

I would reinstate, or get some advice about which dose to go back to. Everyone's different but if I even reduce mY SSRIs I am in a hell of a mess.

If you want it get off them then look into tapering slowly. Ashton manual approach.