I might be getting fired today

[gonnaAbstract]

Just when I was becoming more optimistic and grateful about life... Yesterday I was falling behind at work (food service) and getting irritable, my manager had to step in to do it for me. Then when she asked for more lettuce I brought out a tub that was for tomorrow instead of one from the fridge that was prepared before then. I know that makes no sense and you're supposed to use the oldest first for perishable items, but I wasn't thinking. And there was probably like a 1 day gap between the oldest and the newest, yet she acted like it was so catastrophic and sent me home early. She just said she was mad and would talk to me the next day.

And you know what? I don't even want to come in. I'm not gonna listen to her tell me to step it up or whatever she was gonna say, because it's not like I deliberately chose to underperform like this. I'm tired of explaining myself for everything. I don't owe her an explanation. Besides, the job pays like shit and I haven't been getting much hours since it's been so slow, so nothing of value is lost here. Sure, I will have to omit this year of experience from my resume, but I doubt having that would help anyway when most employers these days discard your resume without reading it anyway, in favor of nepotism hires. I'm better off going straight for the kind of jobs I'm going to college for at this point, instead of continuing to do this bullshit of finding lesser unrelated jobs that I'm worse at to support my education so I can get the kind of job that I'm actually fit for.

Last night I felt closer to a manic episode than I have been in my entire life where my mental illness was mostly fake. I think I'm ACTUALLY near my breaking point for once. I owe it to myself to give up and rot with my current job. I owe it to myself to bet my life on the education and career I actually want. That is the only path I can think of right now to a life that is worth living, and at this point I do not value a life where I do not have that, so if I fail catastrophically and CTB, nothing of value is lost.

This plan is fairly high risk but I don't care. I think the biggest obstacle will be networking with autism. I need to network since people mostly hire based on connections, but I'm a hermit, I have no friends, I don't talk to new people ever, and it's like there is an invisible wall between myself and other people that cannot be overcome. I hope that becoming skilled at what I want to do for a living and having something to show for it in the form of personal projects will pay off and make up for it. This is what I am betting my life on. I don't give a fuck if I go homeless. I don't give a fuck if I find myself unable to pay back my debt. I don't give a fuck if I end up being unworthy of this career no matter how hard I try. If I fail, it's just natural selection I guess. I didn't ask to be defective.

 

[TAW122]

I'm sorry to hear about your situation and throughout most of my life, I'm in my 30's and what you stated is pretty much true with me. I too, am tired and I suppose in the last decade or even longer (if one wants to start counting sooner than the last few years), I've only been enduring sentience as well.

I will add one thing to consider is that in the event you don't end up CTB'ing - whether you decide to hold off, change your mind, or even the pesky SI (it is an hardwired biological instinct that is hard to overcome) getting in the way, I would advise against making one's situation even worse.