Venting I keep thinking about pain

[calicocat07]

All I want to do is slit my skin open and crawl out of my body and die. I marked a spot on my wrist to see if anyone noticed anything and nobody did. So it feels like a confirmation to cut. All I want to do is rip myself to shreds because I hate myself, my mom doesn't like me, she doesn't like who I am and I'm evil. Ive been evil since birth, my mom believes i hate her when all ive done for years is yearn for her approval. My whole life is for her im even going to the medical field for her and she told me im using it against her to make her feel bad. Shes probably right. She tells me of things i did as a kid that sticks with her that i dont remember and i hate that and I can't do anything to make it better. I try to make it up by paying for her and refusing to let her pay when we go out but now she thinks I'm materialistic and want her money. My whole family thinks I hate her. She looks at me with distain. She hates me. I hate me too. I wish wasn't a horrible person. I hope when I die I relieve everyone of the burden of dealing with me. I wish I took the chance to kill myself at the shooting range when my aunt offered me the chance. She knew I was suicidal and wanted to die but I pussied out. Hoping this winter i actually go through with it.
Wow I really felt like I needed to get that off my chest lol. I ended up crying months worth of tears in the shower like a wimp and the moment I composed myself and got out I got insulted for how I look I feel better tho probably gonna watch TV till the void of depression cripples me