I have the same. I also had this with seeking help. Because I would always be afraid that I would feel better in like a few months (which would be perfect of course, if it really would happen) and because it takes up to 2 months in my country before you can get help (in my case), I was always doubting that maybe I didn't need it, because I would be such an idiot if I come there and there's nothing wrong with me anymore.
However, reasoning like this wasn't helpful at all, it just kept getting worse until I finally managed to set that aside and then I did seek help in the end. And I don't know how it would've went when I got help sooner of course, but I like to believe that I wouldn't be so fucked up as I am now.
But back to your topic; I get what you mean. At this point I'm like pretty sure that at some point I will kill myself. But then there's just still this little bit of hope that makes me think that maybe it really will get better. And it depends on how you look at it, but sometimes the hope just fucks me up, you know? I think that little bit of hope is the main reason that I'm still here, so in that way it's the main reason that I'm still suffering. And I don't know, it's kinda ironic, but the hope that I have thus indirectly leads to suffering
