Venting "I hope i'm not healthy"

[NihilDoll]

I just have to vent this shit else it's driving me insane with how stupid it all is.
It's just some health whining, feel free to skip it.

I'm having an MRI appointment tomorrow. Usually, appointments like that are super spooky and done in the hopes of not finding anything.
However, i'm in the wonderful position of having to hope that they find evidence of me NOT being healthy or else i'm never escaping this insane treadmill.

A little bit more context:
I have MS... well, technically i have MS. I've gone through several hospitals, doctors, specialists, professors etc and they all agree: The symptoms are there, the causes and effects are there... but they can't *officially* diagnose it, because i need to have inflammations in my brain and/or spine for that... and those haven't shown yet.
Which means i get all of the pain, numbness, phantom feelings, fatigue, a broken optics nerve and i didn't even get the t-shirt for it!

Do you know how fucked up it feels to HOPE you're more damaged just to finally have your shit officially acknowledged so you can move on with your sorry existence?
The thought honestly makes me sicker than this broken down body does...
I can power through the pain, but the emotional load of "Well, there's no official documentation, so we just pretend you're fine" is killing me...

 

[thehorizons]

I can relate, I have post-acute withdrawal syndrome just from taking 0.5mg of Ativan for seven days straight. The medical community won't probably acknowledge it because it's: 1) such a low quantity and 2) it's out of my system. You can't even show this on any scans, but all the symptoms are there (e.g. I can't breathe when I nap and have broken dreams/sleep each night). Thank God (doubt there is one) my appetite has returned, but wait. On top of that I have oral cancer. You can get biopsies for those, but lucky me at the end of the day I still have cancer that's eating up my lower lip and probably the rest of my mouth (e.g. gums, tongue, palate).