Venting i have nothing left, my parents hate me xddd

[misamisachan1234]

i feel like ive lost everything.
i can barely survive in college, my parents lost their faith in me, and i feel like a bad partner to my lover.

college have been exhausting. it feels like no matter how hard i try i still cant achieve anything. hell, i cant even pass my subjects. i feel so stupid everytime i hand in an exam to my professor. everything that i do just feels so useless because i know i'll fail anyway.

i also believe im a terrible lover. i only realize how manipulative im being after having mental breakdowns to my partner. i feel so miserable, ive abandoned everything. everything around me is just falling apart.

everytime my parents tell me something that i personally dont agree with, i tell them my concerns. but because of that, my parents lost their faith in me and found me disrespectful because i "talk back to them". they constantly tell me about how i'll mistreat them once im the one taking care of them,and how much they despise to see the day that i'll disrespect them once i get paid and get a job. i know this might not be a big deal for other people, but for me it is. it pains me to know that two of the only people i care about feels that way towards me. ive been so mentally exhausted from thinking about the words they constantly say to me. i cant help but cry everytime i remember the things they said. thinking about how the people that i love the most think that i'm a horrible person is really pushing me to the edge. theyre the only people i care about

ive attempted catching the bus two times in 2019. i havent done my research on methods so i tried suffocating myself using curtains. obviously that didnt work because of my SI, as i was still conscious when i was running out of breath. recently though, these thoughts have resurfaced again because of the aforementioned reasons - but mostly because I find it useless to live if my parents dont believe in me. now, it seems like i have the capability to CTB as ive grown older and ive also done more research since my last attempt back in 2019. co poisoning may be the best way, but im still not sure about it. i dont know anymore to be honest. i considered many options, but it seems like this is the best way. i have nothing left anymore, anyways.

 

[Overwhelmed52]

It sounds like your parents have real limitations. Don't blame yourself for that. It sounds like they're afraid of you being successful for some reason, and that may subconsciously be affecting how you do in school. You should try to sort out how your parents are affecting you before anything else. You can definitely keep posting here, but also look into whether your college has a counseling service you can go to. The feelings you're describing are not at all unusual for students. Hugs to you.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

First of all, not everyone is made to be able to study at college/university - do you study a subject that really interest you? You're still so young, you're not a terrible lover, even that is sth we have to learn and there's also no pressure. Your parents seem to expect too much from you. It's understandable, parents expect their children to be the best in everything but if they put too much pressure on them it's counterproductive. I don't really see that anything you say here is actually your fault. Your parents raised you they try to project their believes and wishes how you should be onto you but again, not everyone can fulfill this. You parents will have to understand how you are and they will have to respect you. That is the key here. Don't blame yourself!

 

[CandleShade]

i feel you so much. but do know that college isn't required for jobs, so it is okay to not be good at it. there are multiple examples of people who succeed despite failing college.
as for your parents, they may just be saying that to make you scared or smth, reverse psychology. making sure you will take care of them.
i respect your desicion to ctb, good luck on your attempts. won't your lover be sad though? your friends if you have some? either way, i hope you the best.