I have nightmares every night about my past and current life

[BlueButterfly111]

It's complete torture. I miss my boyfriend who passed away 6 months ago so much that it haunts me. I feel like it's my fault somehow, like me being in his life somehow caused his death. I have dreams of people or beings torturing me, telling me it's my fault. Basically like throwing things at me while I'm on a public display, like in that one black mirror episode.

I'm also haunted in the dreams by mistakes that I've made in the past. In the dreams I'm being made to feel like a horrible person and I'm being told I should hurry up and die. But instead of killing me they want me to suffer, and now won't even let me get any peace in my sleep. I wake up feeling horrible and just wanting to cry.

I think just the grief and guilt and loneliness and suffering is getting to me and making me really sad. Feeling like everybody, even the own universe hates me, and blames me for everything, even though I didn't ask to exist, and don't want to exist is so painful. I wish there was just a quick, painless, and easy way to die instead of just letting people like me suffer.

 

[soonnotkoei]

first of all, i am sorry about your loss. i can imagine what toll it takes on the mind. all i can say is that in any case, it isnt your fault. i know it can feel like you're the problem but it really is not that way.

 

[FuneralCry]

It really sounds like you've suffered so much, it's so cruel to me how there's all this suffering in existing, I also just wish for a painless way to never suffer ever again, I see so much cruelty in how that option is denied for me but anyway I wish you the best, I hope you find the relief you search for.