Venting I have a good life. So why do i want to die so badly?

[laceytrigger]

Just a warning yes i still live at home yes im still in school no im not a minor Im 18 which im pretty sure is allowed here

I have 2 loving parents and a sister that compliments me and wants the best for me, I live in a 2 story home with my family, they give me money whenever I want it & buy me pretty much anything I want, theyve always been nonstrict, they let me start getting piercings at 13 and my first tattoo at 15, and my moms been dyeing my hair since I was 9, I can wear whatever I want no matter how weird or revealing.
And its not that they spoil me to make up for something, they do love me.
Im also not ugly, if I weren't alternative I think I could seriously be considered pretty by my peers.. blue eyes, small nose, underweight, pale, all that bullshit that other women would kill for, but I dont want this body.

Ive never been through anything really hard. Sure I didn't have many friends growing up and ive always been the "weird kid" that people judged from a distance, which i understand since I've always been oversensitive and morbid.
My parents always scold me for that, ever since I first found out about death when my uncle overdosed and killed himself when I was just a little kid, I was fascinated by it. I would draw people stabbing eachother before I could even spell my own name and id chase my sister with a knife constantly.

But when I started getting a bit older, like around 10 years old I realised I dont want to grow up, I dont want to live in this world because it sucks, and idk why I even feel that way because my life is great, but I cry at every little insult and I feel so stupid when I get one thing wrong.
I was a violent kid, I would hit and throw and break anytning when I was mad, therapy didnt help, so I was put on a concerning amount of adhd meds, which also didnt help so at some point I started scratching myself until i bled or hitting my head so I wouldnt hurt others.
At around 11 years old I started thinking about suicide everyday, methods, what it would be like, when I would do or, etc...
I managed to fight the urge to cut myself until the summer I turned 15, when my girlfriend left me. It wasnt even that serious but I searched my room for anything sharp and broke a tape dispenser to use the blade on my wrist.
Ever since then I've been cutting whenever I feel any sort of emotion, no matter if its positive or negative. I attempted multiple times during my teen years and never told my parents, just some of my friends, who continued to ask me whats wrong and why I would give up

I never knew what to say to them because... I dont know??? Nothing is wrong. Im happy. I have friends. I have a good family. I like how I look. I am loved. Im not depressed. I just cant stand the thought of living no matter how much I try, at every small inconvenience my mind automatically goes to killing myself. I think about it atleast 10 times a day everyday for almost the past decade. Its taken over my life completely and I wish it would take me already

I dont know why im like this. Does anyone feel the same way?

 

[hopscotch]

Yes, I feel the same way. I'm not sure why. I mean the only conclusion I've drawn is that I'm not rly fit to live I guess coz the act of living just makes me really unhappy even tho my position in life is very good. Tbf im actually depressed & my life is not that good sometimes but when it isn't good it's literally bcz i self-sabotaged and made sure it wasn't good. All external factors r actually great for me; the world at large is fantastic, its just me that's the prolem. So idk I think sometimes ppl are born who are just unable to enjoy life? It's unfortunate but it is what it is I mean I guess I've accepted that I can never b happy and my only options r to live out this life feeling like shit every day or to kill myself

 

[DownwardSpiral]

it sounds a lot like emotional neglect to me. I'm reading a book called by Jonice Webb that explores this topic. Here is her definition:

"Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN) is a parent's failure to respond enough to the child's emotional needs.
Emotional Neglect is, in some ways, the opposite of mistreatment and abuse. Whereas mistreatment and abuse are parental acts, Emotional Neglect is a parent's failure to act.
It's a failure to notice, attend to, or respond appropriately to a child's feelings. Because it's an act of omission, it's not visible, noticeable or memorable. Emotional Neglect is the white space in the family picture; the background rather than the foreground. It is insidious and overlooked while it does its silent damage to people's lives."

I highly recommend looking into her book and CEN. There are plenty podcasts and youtube videos about it as well. I don't know what happened in your life specifically, but there are lots of different kinds of emotional neglect so I'm sure you'll connect with something. The permissive parenting style was one type of potential emotional neglect which maybe sounds similar to your situation.

I can't promise it will help much though. It sure hasn't for me yet...