EnnisTcc1
EXDEN
- Oct 15, 2023
- 11
Wow, this feels odd to write. I have a deadline for around 3 weeks~ to ctb. It's either before the 18th or 25th of next month. I'm sad, scared, happy, confused and so much more. I have so many complex emotions that I'm experiencing rn. I have contemplated "running away" instead of ctbing, (aka abandoning all of my responsibilities, ghosting my family and really going wherever I want, essentially becoming a missing person just to see if what's making me depressed is the life I'm living or just my existence,) but I've decided against it. I don't want to tigger anyone (?, so tw s/a) but I truly don't think abandoning my responsibilities will do anything. I have nightmares every night about what happened to me, and I feel violated whenever I'm alone with someone. Nothing makes it better. I've been on different meds, I've seen councillors, I've been hospitalized, I've seen a psychiatrist. None of it works.
I've decided to give myself a deadline because that's when I'll go in for a meeting with specialists. I physically can't do it, but I can't miss it because I'll be put in a ward. I really wish I had more time but I really can't do this anymore. I'm sorta glad I have something that's forcing me to ctb but at the same time I'm not. I can't handle another session of being berated and belittled because I can't get over what happened to me. I can't handle being threatened because I don't wanna take my meds that do nothing but make me feel worse. I simply can't do it anymore.
I'm gonna write a few notes before then, one to my grandma, one to my dad, and a couple for my friends. I'm giving all my money to my friends (my family can use my unused college fund to may for my funeral,) some of my clothing if any of them want, and my posters. I own nothing of value. I'll burn my diaries and notes before I ctb (or just destroy them) because I can't handle the idea of my grandma or dad reading them. I think they'd be distraught. I'm trying to spend some quality time with the both of them before I go. My stuff to ctb with is coming in the next week and I feel a sort of stinging relief in my chest. It's like I'm finally at peace.
I just wanted to write this to wish you all luck on your own journeys, goodnight or good day wherever you are.
Ps: if the writing in this is bad, excuse me. It's real late rn and I'm tired.
I've decided to give myself a deadline because that's when I'll go in for a meeting with specialists. I physically can't do it, but I can't miss it because I'll be put in a ward. I really wish I had more time but I really can't do this anymore. I'm sorta glad I have something that's forcing me to ctb but at the same time I'm not. I can't handle another session of being berated and belittled because I can't get over what happened to me. I can't handle being threatened because I don't wanna take my meds that do nothing but make me feel worse. I simply can't do it anymore.
I'm gonna write a few notes before then, one to my grandma, one to my dad, and a couple for my friends. I'm giving all my money to my friends (my family can use my unused college fund to may for my funeral,) some of my clothing if any of them want, and my posters. I own nothing of value. I'll burn my diaries and notes before I ctb (or just destroy them) because I can't handle the idea of my grandma or dad reading them. I think they'd be distraught. I'm trying to spend some quality time with the both of them before I go. My stuff to ctb with is coming in the next week and I feel a sort of stinging relief in my chest. It's like I'm finally at peace.
I just wanted to write this to wish you all luck on your own journeys, goodnight or good day wherever you are.
Ps: if the writing in this is bad, excuse me. It's real late rn and I'm tired.
