midnightluv
Lalala delusional thoughts hehehe
- Aug 17, 2023
- 23
Hello guys, first post. I'm pretty much set on CTB, but it won't be for a few months so I can properly prepare. My boyfriend broke up with me because of my depression being exhausting for him. And he said "I'm done with this" over a fucking discord dm. He didn't even call me for it.
I tried going to anime club at my college after like I had planned but I had a massive panic attack resulting in intense dissociation half an hour in and had my mom drive me home. I downloaded bumble as soon as I got home, but I'm going to delete it now. I told him how alone I had been feeling but apparently the fact that I had loved him with every fiber of my being meant nothing. I made him an entire home cooked three course meal once. Got him a game he's wanted for 2 years. Got him a purple seal plushie because his favorite animals are seals and favorite color is purple. Went to all of his shitty twitch streams that he did instead of responding to my texts.
Whatever though. I plan on CTB on December first, his birthday. I'm doing it in the very early morning so I won't be interrupted and the news would be broken earlier. I'm not going to tell him anything leading up to it either, I'll just text him the note, text it to a few of his friends to show him if he doesn't respond, and that's it. He isn't up in the early morning either. The things I would miss aren't worth it anymore and being a human is exhausting. People always say stuff like "you have to do x or you're a disgusting human being" but discount the torture I have to go through daily as a result of bpd, psychotic depression, adhd, and gad. I have medical bills through the roof. My teeth are horrible because I haven't been able to brush my teeth. I haven't even been to the dentist in two years because I'm afraid they'll judge me. Therapy hasn't helped one bit. My parents are horrible to me. I'm in massive credit card debt due to my psychotic episodes. And now I'm romantically alone again. Just like always. But I'm done trying. Some girls are like me, meant to be alone.
My parents won't even let me have a cat or something that would help me feel less shitty and lonely. I would reconsider everything if I was able to have a pet. But I'm not financially able to move out to get one. I literally just got my license and I'm a broke college student. The funny thing is, I'm currently trying to get a BS in psychology. Wanted to be a pediatric psychologist. I probably would've just hurt the kids though. I'm literally just an emotional parasite, I need to do this so I don't hurt anymore people. I wonder if this would be considered altruistic suicide, doesn't matter though. I will try to go for convincing to get a pet before December first but if it doesn't happen I'll see you guys wherever we go. Hopefully my bf and I can meet in another life, I'd love to see him again where he doesn't hate me.
I tried going to anime club at my college after like I had planned but I had a massive panic attack resulting in intense dissociation half an hour in and had my mom drive me home. I downloaded bumble as soon as I got home, but I'm going to delete it now. I told him how alone I had been feeling but apparently the fact that I had loved him with every fiber of my being meant nothing. I made him an entire home cooked three course meal once. Got him a game he's wanted for 2 years. Got him a purple seal plushie because his favorite animals are seals and favorite color is purple. Went to all of his shitty twitch streams that he did instead of responding to my texts.
Whatever though. I plan on CTB on December first, his birthday. I'm doing it in the very early morning so I won't be interrupted and the news would be broken earlier. I'm not going to tell him anything leading up to it either, I'll just text him the note, text it to a few of his friends to show him if he doesn't respond, and that's it. He isn't up in the early morning either. The things I would miss aren't worth it anymore and being a human is exhausting. People always say stuff like "you have to do x or you're a disgusting human being" but discount the torture I have to go through daily as a result of bpd, psychotic depression, adhd, and gad. I have medical bills through the roof. My teeth are horrible because I haven't been able to brush my teeth. I haven't even been to the dentist in two years because I'm afraid they'll judge me. Therapy hasn't helped one bit. My parents are horrible to me. I'm in massive credit card debt due to my psychotic episodes. And now I'm romantically alone again. Just like always. But I'm done trying. Some girls are like me, meant to be alone.
My parents won't even let me have a cat or something that would help me feel less shitty and lonely. I would reconsider everything if I was able to have a pet. But I'm not financially able to move out to get one. I literally just got my license and I'm a broke college student. The funny thing is, I'm currently trying to get a BS in psychology. Wanted to be a pediatric psychologist. I probably would've just hurt the kids though. I'm literally just an emotional parasite, I need to do this so I don't hurt anymore people. I wonder if this would be considered altruistic suicide, doesn't matter though. I will try to go for convincing to get a pet before December first but if it doesn't happen I'll see you guys wherever we go. Hopefully my bf and I can meet in another life, I'd love to see him again where he doesn't hate me.