Topaz111
I can feel this body in revolt
- Mar 9, 2026
- 58
I hate that I'm so unreliable
Well, my health is unreliable, it is the reason why I'm so "flakey", why I "drift away" and go quiet.
I don't want to be this way.
You have no idea just how much I have hated and punished myself for it throught the years. I'm still not over it, even though I know things couldn't have gone any other way, even though I know some of those people were really shitty, even though the reason I can't be there for them is because I am always in so much fucking pain and fatigue. I haven't had an actual restful sleep in over 10 years. I have been in physical pain every second I'm awake for over 10 years. I can't even take care of myself, I cannot survive on my own, let alone take care of other people.
Yet I still feel like the biggest asshole on the planet because I haven't spoken to most of my family for years, drifted apart with anyone I tried to make friends with..
I don't want to hurt people.
Cognitively I know this isn't my fault, but emotionally I still feel like a monster for being this way. I guess that applies to most things in my life.. cognitively understanding something, but emotionally being unable to believe it or let it go.
Well, my health is unreliable, it is the reason why I'm so "flakey", why I "drift away" and go quiet.
I don't want to be this way.
You have no idea just how much I have hated and punished myself for it throught the years. I'm still not over it, even though I know things couldn't have gone any other way, even though I know some of those people were really shitty, even though the reason I can't be there for them is because I am always in so much fucking pain and fatigue. I haven't had an actual restful sleep in over 10 years. I have been in physical pain every second I'm awake for over 10 years. I can't even take care of myself, I cannot survive on my own, let alone take care of other people.
Yet I still feel like the biggest asshole on the planet because I haven't spoken to most of my family for years, drifted apart with anyone I tried to make friends with..
I don't want to hurt people.
Cognitively I know this isn't my fault, but emotionally I still feel like a monster for being this way. I guess that applies to most things in my life.. cognitively understanding something, but emotionally being unable to believe it or let it go.
