Venting I hate myself and it's my fault

[RottenSoul]

My self hatred and low self esteem has been the main cause of all my problems. I can't make connection with people since i don't want them to see who i am, because who would have fun with a person who hates themselves? I am afraid i will just be a burden, that's why i hide it, i always stop myself from connecting with people, being emotional and deepen my relationship with them because i am afraid they will hate me for who i am.

I was talking with one of my friends the other day and he told me that i have never asked him anything actually personal about him, he knows all about my mental health issues and he's helped a lot so many times but overcoming this self hatred needs a lot of work and personal work. He had saved me in the past day when i was at a camping and stabbed myself in the calf because a girl i liked was interested in another person, a person less attractive than me and with more issues than me and it was my fault. I asked from him to help me because he is very patient and I knew he wouldn't immediately call an ambulance on me and tell anyone about, i didn't want to go to the psych ward or bother the other people there with the stupid decision of stabbing myself. She had shown signs to me but i never could make myself to tell her because i couldn't believe anyone would take a liking to me. She would sit next to me and obviously wanted to do something with me but i couldn't bring myself to make a move. At the camping she literally asked by herself to put sun protector on me but i still couldn't bring myself to show her my feelings, it felt impossible and i hated myself for it, because i was alone and it was my fault, it is my fault that i don't really have close friends or at least i feel like i don't. It is my fault that i am 20 and have no experience with girls.

i have come to be in the third year of uni and i feel like i am still in the first, i expected uni to be this place where i will have the chances i didn't have at school but i didn't and it's all because of my self hatred, a self hatred that i have caused to myself from my perfectionism. When i was at school and was at a course to take exams i would study all the time, even a single mistake and i would internally scold myself for it, because i used it as a source of self worth and feeling for once that i am better at something. I ended up getting pretty much perfect scores and got in electrical engineering which is basically the hardest university department but i still felt it is not enough because even though i went there i didn't feel like i deserved it, i felt like a fake, like an impostor. The perfectionism rooted so deep and lead to who i am today, all because i did it to myself.

Nobody knows about how i actually feel, or at least can't actually get how i feel because even if i tell them i can't describe this intense feeling of anxiety and pain my inner critic voice creates and is present constantly 24/7. When i am with other people i am this happy, fun person that everybody likes but deep inside i hate myself so much and think about killing myself everyday. I am happy because i have been used to this extreme mental anguish that even the slightest pleasure makes me happy, i can literally make myself laugh uncontrollably right now but deep inside i will still be dead.

Sorry if this vent was big but i wanted to right this down.

 

[franos666]

It's nor your fault. We didn't choose our genetic, environment etc

 

[stepanch1k]

"Low self esteem" translation…. "ugly", don't be gaslight by others, it's not your fault, you're a product of your environment

 

[mementomorii]

I'm also in my third year of university, and I really relate to a lot of what you said. I really light up around other people, mostly because I feel like I have to, and no one would stick around if I showed I was having a hard day/asked for support, but on the inside, I'm sooo sad all the time. I'm so embarrassed by my own misery, I really don't want anyone to know, even in death. Wish I were braver and could just kms in some way that looked like an accident (car crash, for example), but I'm really afraid of injury or a violent death, I know that's selfish. I'm not perfect oh well.

 

[RottenSoul]

I'm also in my third year of university, and I really relate to a lot of what you said. I really light up around other people, mostly because I feel like I have to, and no one would stick around if I showed I was having a hard day/asked for support, but on the inside, I'm sooo sad all the time. I'm so embarrassed by my own misery, I really don't want anyone to know, even in death. Wish I were braver and could just kms in some way that looked like an accident (car crash, for example), but I'm really afraid of injury or a violent death, I know that's selfish. I'm not perfect oh well.

For me it's that i have developed extreme dissociation, everything in my mind is 10 times worse than when i live it actually and whenever i am with other people it just feels unreal and like i am not actually living, like my soul has died. Things i said might play in my head and make me feel intense anxiety and depression. Sometimes i just think that there really is no hope for me because no matter where i go or with which people i am around the voice in my head will be there and i will feel disconnected, i am making effort all the time but it's so hard. Another thing i realized is that when you are chronically suicidal you really lose ambition about what you want with your life, because at least in my mind the goal becomes to be ok enough to live. It really hits when people have actually thought what direction they are gonna follow and what they will do while it hasn't passed at all from my mind.

Anyway the reason i am responding to you with this is because suicidility when it becomes chronic it becomes something you get desensitized to and looks casual in your head. It hit me a few months ago what dying actually will feel like, i won't be better i will just be gone, i will not exist anymore or if there is an afterlife who knows what could happen. I still want to die a lot and it usually comes in crisis moments when i am very suicidal but i feel like i don't really understand what i am about to do. I have bought a 12mm polyester rope and plan to FSH if i kill myself. I have set it up multiple times but every time i get my head in the noose i realize what i am truly about to do. It has happened that in a day from the morning to the evening i felt like a piece of garbage but after that i went cycling and felt like the coolest person on earth ( I know very unstable self image).

So what i want to ask is: Do you actually want to die? It's something that i have been thinking and i am afraid if i don't answer it i will do something i will immediately regret. So before you choose what you do make sure you don't think with your emotions like me (emotional reasoning) because, from personal experience, you will regret what you do.

 

[mementomorii]

For me it's that i have developed extreme dissociation, everything in my mind is 10 times worse than when i live it actually and whenever i am with other people it just feels unreal and like i am not actually living, like my soul has died. Things i said might play in my head and make me feel intense anxiety and depression. Sometimes i just think that there really is no hope for me because no matter where i go or with which people i am around the voice in my head will be there and i will feel disconnected, i am making effort all the time but it's so hard. Another thing i realized is that when you are chronically suicidal you really lose ambition about what you want with your life, because at least in my mind the goal becomes to be ok enough to live. It really hits when people have actually thought what direction they are gonna follow and what they will do while it hasn't passed at all from my mind.

Anyway the reason i am responding to you with this is because suicidility when it becomes chronic it becomes something you get desensitized to and looks casual in your head. It hit me a few months ago what dying actually will feel like, i won't be better i will just be gone, i will not exist anymore or if there is an afterlife who knows what could happen. I still want to die a lot and it usually comes in crisis moments when i am very suicidal but i feel like i don't really understand what i am about to do. I have bought a 12mm polyester rope and plan to FSH if i kill myself. I have set it up multiple times but every time i get my head in the noose i realize what i am truly about to do. It has happened that in a day from the morning to the evening i felt like a piece of garbage but after that i went cycling and felt like the coolest person on earth ( I know very unstable self image).

So what i want to ask is: Do you actually want to die? It's something that i have been thinking and i am afraid if i don't answer it i will do something i will immediately regret. So before you choose what you do make sure you don't think with your emotions like me (emotional reasoning) because, from personal experience, you will regret what you do.

Yeah, I mean, I guess it's hard to be completely sure about dying, and I waver with my degree of commitment to it for sure. I guess I've just felt this way for so long and tried so many things to shift it that I can't imagine why I would really stay alive, besides out of respect for my family. My friends are pretty shitty people, I think I attract people like that maybe cuz I'm kind of a pushover or was always a bit of a loner, so grateful just to have a friend, I don't know. Part of my suicidality is definitely related to the social environment I feel trapped in, but it's hella unrealistic to think I could ever start over from scratch; it's pretty fucking hard to make good friends in adult life, even if you aren't incredibly depressed and harboring a lot of trauma. I relate a lot to the feeling of dissociation; I always get like that around people, pretty much. Being alone makes me feel awful, too, so it's kind of a lose-lose. I'm glad you get joy from cycling. That sounds nice, I live in a busy city, so it always makes me so anxious, maybe if I were really that suicidal, I wouldn't be scared to die, I dunno. I wish I had something that made me feel like that.