I hate my body

[willitpass]

As of the past few months I have been doing better than ever with my suicidal thoughts. I haven't actively wanted to die in awhile and on the whole my mental health is thriving. However as this has happened, my previously recovered eating disorder and body image issues have come back strong. I've never LOVED my body but for the past several years it hasn't been constantly on my mind. But lately I can't stop thinking about how my body looks at every second of the day. I no longer feel comfortable in outfits that I have been wearing for years, every time I pass a mirror or window I have to check myself out, hell I was at the pharmacy today and almost bought diet pills. I recently started seeing someone new and after having sex I just kept thinking about whether or not he thought I was fat. Why is it always one thing after another with my mental health? Why can't I just truly be okay ever? Why do I have to chose between suicidal or loathing my body? This is so frustrating

 

[lookingforsanctuary]

That does sound really frustrating. You're doing better on one area and now another gets worse. Do you still have coping strategies for your ED?

 

[feels_like_rain]

I feel exactly the same. I wish i had advice, but all i can say is i completely understand. I wish things were better.

 

[isitjustme]

As of the past few months I have been doing better than ever with my suicidal thoughts. I haven't actively wanted to die in awhile and on the whole my mental health is thriving. However as this has happened, my previously recovered eating disorder and body image issues have come back strong.

It isn't surprising to hear that, at least from my experience. At least my experience with depression is that it isn't immediately apparent that you have it, even to yourself. By the time I started having suicidal thoughts I had probably been depressed for years. In the most intense period of it, I really didn't care about anything (I did not know why. I had no easily identifiable cause for my depression). I could barely eat and nothing in life gave me joy nor sadness.

As you start coming out of that tunnel, maybe you just start caring again. Seems like a sign that your depression is getting better. I honestly know next to nothing about eating disorders but if that is causing you to have a body you dislike you should try seeing an expert. It may be that your body is perfectly fine.

I am trying not to assume anything about your physical and mental health or about you as a person, just offering my perspective here.

 

[FungusButler]

The strangest thing in my mind is that sometimes we despise our own bodies but other people do in fact like them perfectly fine (not that hearing that typically changes much for anyone, though).

Best of luck to you.

 

[Sweet Tart]

I've dealt with disordered eating from a very young age. For the majority of my life, I cut off from intimate relationships because I couldn't deal with anyone seeing or touching my body. (including in the present). I'm impressed that you're not doing this, lol, even tho it sounds like it brings up insecurities.

Chances are, this person thinks you're hot and isn't thinking any of the things you are thinking about your body.

I find my ED acts up most when something else is stressing me out. Like, it's a sign that something is overwhelming me and my stress level is over the limit. Wondering if there may be something else going on that needs your attention and compassion, even something not completely obvious to you. I'm not asking you to share or making assumptions about you- just relating my pattern in case it is helpful.