Venting I hate living as a man

[PI3.14]

Sorry you're struggling.

I think both genders do struggle in life generally, but there do exist struggles unique to each gender as well. I've been taught from a young age, and perhaps many other guys did too, that showing emotions is weakness, crying is weakness, seeking help is weakness, and that as a man you should fit a specific construct, that if you don't, you'll definitely be looked down upon very harshly and will get ridiculed.

Generally speaking, it's true, you're supposed to suck it up and move on, which is unhealthy.

I think perhaps therapy can help, depending on the situation ofc, sense ig many men feel ashamed of venting freely with friends or family, which ofc will only makes the emotions build up until the person can no longer take it.

I feel like men are much more solution oriented rather than focusing on feelings. It's like feeling bad, okay find a way to fix it dude. This male oriented solution toward fixing problems actually leads men to kill themselves successfully in larger numbers too. This is known as the gender paradox in suicide. It's just the way the male brain is wired.

I don't know about the brain wiring being different, and I've heard before that some differences do exist, but I think growing up knowing you need to act a certain way and forcing yourself to do so might also contribute to that. Also, after a certain age ig, changing one's whole identity and personality becomes difficult and unlikely to happen at a big scale.

 

[badatparties]

I don't know about the brain wiring being different, and I've heard before that some differences do exist, but I think growing up knowing you need to act a certain way and forcing yourself to do so might also contribute to that. Also, after a certain age ig, changing one's whole identity and personality becomes difficult and unlikely to happen at a big scale.

Wrong. Men and women's brains have marked structural differences that are well documented.

 

[amor.dor]

I'm really sorry for you. Forgive me for being blunt—sometimes I have terrible emotional sensitivity.

I believe this is all a very real problem, for both men and women. But what I've noticed is that it's being used as a smokescreen. The problems exist, but in most cases, what I see is men and women arguing with each other and getting nowhere, just breeding resentment between them. As long as there's resentment, something is distracting us and keeping us tied to a problem in life. The social fear is that we'll all give up on all of this… but maybe I'm being too nihilistic.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I feel like men are much more solution oriented rather than focusing on feelings. It's like feeling bad, okay find a way to fix it dude. This male orientation toward fixing problems actually leads men to kill themselves successfully in larger numbers too. This is known as the gender paradox in suicide. It's just the way the male brain is wired.

I've noticed that when I tried talking to my Dad about problems. He wants to solve it, move on and not keep talking about it. With women, we tend to loop round and around the same issues.

Do you think it might be a generational thing though? If younger men are finding they can't get the older ones to sit still and just listen- maybe they need to talk to their peers more.

But- even if men are more solution orientated- I still don't see why they can't talk to one another to figure out the solutions together.

I suppose again- I just don't quite get it. All these men so unhappy that they want to kill themselves- surely that means a greater number of them are feeling lost and vulnerable. Is it still then in their nature to take the piss out of others who are struggling? Maybe that's something all should be addressing then. Abd pulling one another up on.

 

[amor.dor]

I feel like men are much more solution oriented rather than focusing on feelings. It's like feeling bad, okay find a way to fix it dude. This male orientation toward fixing problems actually leads men to kill themselves successfully in larger numbers too. This is known as the gender paradox in suicide. It's just the way the male brain is wired.

But what I notice is that men absolutely do not talk about the problem. Over time, I realized that the older guy who used to smoke in the corner at my old job was dealing with heavy issues and took his own life. After that fact, I realized that many men are like that.

 

[Codename_Joryu]

I believe this is all a very real problem, for both men and women. But what I've noticed is that it's being used as a smokescreen. The problems exist, but in most cases, what I see is men and women arguing with each other and getting nowhere, just breeding resentment between them. As long as there's resentment, something is distracting us and keeping us tied to a problem in life.

I've noticed it too. It's like we just can't talk about our specific issues related to our gender, this leads to hate, double standards and overall resentment towards everyone.

But- even if men are more solution orientated- I still don't see why they can't talk to one another to figure out the solutions together.

There's a good reason why men don't talk about it and don't seek help. Believe me, they tried many times and it only made matters worse.

 

[Forever Sleep]

It's because every single man is being put through these unrealistic standards of being perfect and never showing emotions. And those who manage to succed simply become oppresors. I tried looking for a support group for a really long time, but I never found one.

There must be guys here who feel this too. Have you tried reaching out in PM's to guys who sound like they're struggling with similar problems?

It doesn't always end well when people post either specifically male or female threads here. Not to say you are doing this but- framing our own situation as more uniquely terrible than anyone elses doesn't tend to go down well here. Plus, both male or female threads can attract misogyny and misandry respectively. But- maybe you'd have better luck trying to establish individual friendships or even small groups.

There absolutely are guys here struggling in the same way. I feel sure about that.

 

[Codename_Joryu]

It doesn't always end well when people post either specifically male or female threads here. Not to say you are doing this but- framing our own situation as more uniquely terrible than anyone elses doesn't tend to go down well here. Plus, both male or female threads can attract misogyny and misandry respectively.

I can see that, I just want to assure you that it wasn't my intention at all.

Have you tried reaching out in PM's to guys who sound like they're struggling with similar problems?

I tried many times, we only talked for a bit and then even after trying to reach out, they ignored it or tried to change the topic.

 

[lost in the lilies]

I've noticed it too. It's like we just can't talk about our specific issues related to our gender, this leads to hate, double standards and overall resentment towards everyone.

There's a good reason why men don't talk about it and don't seek help. Believe me, they tried many times and it only made matters worse.

This is true. With the way things are, it's often the case that when we do try to reach out in some capacity all we get are reminders of why we 'should' keep things to ourselves.

 

[ReadyToLeave]

As a man this really hit the nail in the coffin! No on gives a damn about me, however I hardly ever show that I'm hurting so freaking much. I just put on that fake smile and go about my day.
I do however go above and beyond to help others, because I truly understand the pain and suffering, mental illness brings to so many situations in life, and I'll try my best to make sure people feel loved, appreciated and I can bring a lot of humor into life. I do all this because I don't want them to experience all the bad stuff. I and I alone want to shoulder all that burden even though it kills me inside. I don't want to see others suffer. I'll try my best to help others anyway I can, even though In the end no one will ever do it for me.

 

[ethereal_hobo]

I feel like men are much more solution oriented rather than focusing on feelings. It's like feeling bad, okay find a way to fix it dude. This male orientation toward fixing problems actually leads men to kill themselves successfully in larger numbers too. This is known as the gender paradox in suicide. It's just the way the male brain is wired.

Interesting, men may be more inclined to think, "Aha, suicide is the solution", and be more motivated to do it "well" than women.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I can see that, I just want to assure you that it wasn't my intention at all.

I tried many times, we only talked for a bit and then even after trying to reach out, they ignored it or tried to change the topic.

That's a shame. I suppose ultimately, we are all people with different interests. Different tolerances for venting. I don't know what to suggest really. I suppose people I feel I can vent to at length are friends. We try to support each other mutually. I often think with friendship- our needs need to be mutually fulfilled. I've had the experience where I've felt overwhelmed with people venting to me as well as feeling bad that I'd overwhelmed others.

Sad to ask this but- do you see a therapist? I have gone through stages where I knew I was too much for the people around me and probably needed to look at venting to a stranger instead.

Obviously, friendships probably need to be more than venting. Do you try to find guys with common interests? Do you feel able to discuss other things too? It's not meaning to victim blame here. Just trying to figure out why conversations or friendships don't seem to take.

Interesting, men may be more inclined to think, "Aha, suicide is the solution", and be more motivated to do it "well" than women.

As I've read it, women are two to three times more likely to attempt suicide than men, yet men are three to four times more likely to die by suicide. As I understand it, it's because men tend to go for more brutal and lethal methods like firearms and hanging, whereas a lot of women fail with things like overdoses.

Some will say that some women's attempts are more a cry for help. Statistically though- it may suggest women are in fact more suicidal but less effective at succeeding.

 

[amor.dor]

That's a shame. I suppose ultimately, we are all people with different interests. Different tolerances for venting. I don't know what to suggest really. I suppose people I feel I can vent to at length are friends. We try to support each other mutually. I often think with friendship- our needs need to be mutually fulfilled. I've had the experience where I've felt overwhelmed with people venting to me as well as feeling bad that I'd overwhelmed others.

Sad to ask this but- do you see a therapist? I have gone through stages where I knew I was too much for the people around me and probably needed to look at venting to a stranger instead.

Obviously, friendships probably need to be more than venting. Do you try to find guys with common interests? Do you feel able to discuss other things too? It's not meaning to victim blame here. Just trying to figure out why conversations or friendships don't seem to take.


As I've read it, women are two to three times more likely to attempt suicide than men, yet men are three to four times more likely to die by suicide. As I understand it, it's because men tend to go for more brutal and lethal methods like firearms and hanging, whereas a lot of women fail with things like overdoses.

Some will say that some women's attempts are more a cry for help. Statistically though- it may suggest women are in fact more suicidal but less effective at succeeding.

Women tend to preserve their bodies more; I think it's by nature, so the methods are more "peaceful," like poisoning. But that greatly reduces the lethality of the method, and there's a higher chance of being saved from death...I guess

 

[Codename_Joryu]

do you see a therapist?

I've seen 3 different therapists and been on 5 different medications. Nothing helped.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Women tend to preserve their bodies more; I think it's by nature, so the methods are more "peaceful," like poisoning. But that greatly reduces the lethality of the method, and there's a higher chance of being saved from death...I guess

I think that's true. I wonder with substances like SN now known of- whether the gender gap will start to shrink.

I've seen 3 different therapists and been on 5 different medications. Nothing helped.

I'm sorry. Seems like you have given it your all.

 

[PI3.14]

Wrong. Men and women's brains have marked structural differences that are well documented.

It seems to be true, wasn't saying it's absolutely wrong, but I do think that the environment also contribute to that.

 

[badatparties]

It seems to be true, wasn't saying it's absolutely wrong, but I do think that the environment also contribute to that.

Correct, the nurture side of it, how men are brought up and what society expects of them definitely plays a role. The hard wiring doesn't help though. If you think about it from an evolutionary perspective, men didn't have time to be discussing their fee fees when taking down a large Woolly Mammoth. They had to cut off the meat, and take it back to the cave before they got jacked by a Saber Tooth Tiger. This leads men to make hard, fast, and violent decisions.

I've seen 3 different therapists and been on 5 different medications. Nothing helped.

Have you tried ketamine or shrooms? Ego death might be just the ticket for you.

 

[Codename_Joryu]

but in my opinion the only people who are responsible for this "real men don't cry, men need to be strong all the time" mentality bullshit is other men.

I know, I actually said it on my original post. And also I'm sorry you also have to deal with this, pretty privilege is an awful thing and I don't get it why so many people value looks above anything else.

 

[amor.dor]

Correct, the nurture side of it, how men are brought up and what society expects of them definitely plays a role. The hard wiring doesn't help though. If you think about it from an evolutionary perspective, men didn't have time to be discussing their fee fees when taking down a large Woolly Mammoth. They had to cut off the meat, and take it back to the cave before they got jacked by a Saber Tooth Tiger. This leads men to make hard, fast, and violent decisions.

Have you tried ketamine or shrooms? Ego death might be just the ticket for you.

It is expected that men be useful and practical, and that women be attractive and kind. Each has a different expectation, so it's difficult for men and women to reach a full truce about this while they still want to live. Life is a constant struggle to survive; deep down, the ego always wants to benefit and be treated as special... but when you have already "died" in your thoughts? I notice that something changes a lot in that...
Killing yourself with resentment toward this world makes death worse.... I guess.

 

[rainwillneverstop]

keep discussion respectful and non invalidating, both genders can express their personal frustration and problems without the other pointing fingers and judging.
Otherwise thread will be locked.

 

[groque]

It is hard, and life is somehow getting harder instead with advancement in technology it should get easier, idk man

 

[GarGoil]

Thank you for this post.

 

[Dot]

I tried looking for a support group for a really long time, but I never found one.

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[martyrdom]

I don't understand why most of you here feel like this post was meant to attack women in some way and make you think that they don't have any problems in life.

Not what I said.

I'm fully aware that women can have similar issues like this, but this post was targeted fully towards male audience and problems they have to face. I know my post is very generalizing, but I just can't point out every single issue men have to deal with in todays world because the list is really fucking long. I just wanted other men here to symphasize, share their stories and leave room for disscusion.

If you know none of these are male issues and everybody struggles with them then why make it about men?

Wrong. Men and women's brains have marked structural differences that are well documented.

Wrong. Very comprehensively disproven myth in neuroscience.

 

[badatparties]

Wrong. Very comprehensively disproven myth in neuroscience.

We literally have better hand eye coordination, spatial awareness, and reaction time. You will probably go on to say that men and women are physically the same too, and that women can physically compete with men.

 

[martyrdom]

We literally have better hand eye coordination, spatial awareness, and reaction time. You will probably go on to same that men and women are physically the same too, and that women can physically compete with men.

Wild assumption, no, there are biological differences between men and women. Women can't compete with men in regards to speed and upper body strength just as we can't compete with women in regards to flexibility, balance, endurance or pain tolerance. But brain differences are an outdated myth that is the laughing stock of current neuroscience.

 

[badatparties]

Wild assumption, no, there are biological differences between men and women. Women can't compete with men in regards to speed and upper body strength just as we can't compete with women in regards to flexibility, balance, endurance or pain tolerance. But brain differences are an outdated myth that is the laughing stock of current neuroscience.

That's not what i'm reading BTW.

 

[Codename_Joryu]

Not what I said.

I think that's exactly what you were implying, and your overly long and extreme responses to these kind of posts prove this. I checked your postings on this site and it's safe to say that you are part of the problem, and not the solution, I mean, you literally called yourself a " local extreme feminist raging man criticizer". You called me hopeless simply for trying to make a safe space for men to talk about their gender related issues, you forcefully throw your feminist agenda at every man who dares to talk about their problems, said that "Incels deserve absolutely no sympathy from anyone" (Incel and mysoginist are two different terms btw.). And you do all this on a site where majority of people are one bad day away from taking their own life.

If you know none of these are male issues and everybody struggles with them then why make it about men?

Those are problems that affect men more than women and I base this on what I saw and still see in real life, not just on social media. The whole point of this post was to make safe space for guys to talk about their gender related issues, because there's a lot more to this than just being called a pussy because they were seen crying. Like I said, I know my post was very generalizing and it's a mistake on my part, but if you really got so offended by it, I'd say it only proves my point even more.

 

[UserFromNowhere]

Wrong. Men and women's brains have marked structural differences that are well documented.

Sometimes I wonder about this. Brain structures seem very dynamic. While studies have supposedly marked differences in male and female brains, we also know that trans people, even those who may not have felt a sense of discongruity from birth, have brain structures resembling the opposite sex. From this perspective, it seems the differences aren't innately determined but fluid over time, and it may be a matter of overgeneralization rather than inherent differences. That being said, I only have an interest in discussing this from a neuroscientific point of view and not a debate over men and women.

 

[rs929]

keep discussion respectful and non invalidating, both genders can express their personal frustration and problems without the other pointing fingers and judging.
Otherwise thread will be locked.

Sorry I will be respectful as I don't want the thread locked.

But it's always the same story, a man writes a post complaining about men problems, and then the same 2 or 3 folks (specially one) rants about how women have it much worse (when nobody says women have it easy, it's just about men and their own subset of problems).

Then someone will enter a discussion with these folks, as they're very irritating, and the thread will end up locked, taking away the OP possibility to have a safe space and discuss their problem.

I appreciate what you did here but I'm afraid it's not enough. We can't have suicidal men get invalidated like this every single time they speak up because of someone else's trauma they're not guilty of.