It is a very difficult feeling to live with on a daily basis because you really feel like a prisoner. It is a psychological and physical prison that no one can see, because for most people it is not. You can never escape it. I liken it to killer whales in water parks: forced to exist, kept alive in the water for breath and food. These creatures eventually go crazy and some attempt to commit suicide. They can't get out of their pool, ever.
I don't know what to advise you, except that I hope you get better. I send you all my prayers.