Venting I hate being trans so much.

[Helplessturtle79]

Title. A lot of cis people think that things have gotten better for us but in reality I actually think it was easier 5-6 years ago than it is now. All I hear is about how trans people are insane and shouldn't exist, and I'm treated like a political issue instead of a human being. I live with my parents and I'm trying to save up to buy a house, but I just can't handle living here anymore. My last roommate raped my other roommate and I don't want to try finding another roommate. I just want to live alone and be left alone, and I can't even have that. I've accepted that I'll never have love, that I'll never be accepted by society at large, or even my own family. Hiding in the closet at someone I'm not is a living nightmare. I want to kill myself so bad and I keep backing out and I don't know why, because I'm so fucking sick of this.

 

[OutOfTheVoid]

i feel you. its awful what we have to go through now, and things just keep getting worse. i hope you are able to have love at some point. finding love with other trans people can be a lot better than trying to get acceptance from cis people

 

[MissionSucksAssFul]

I will never understand the basic persons urge to vilify any form of life that refuses to live exactly the same way they do... we are here for you and will always support whatever you decide with your life :)

 

[NoLoveNoHope]

Same here. I just prefer to hide behind a username now since I hate my appearance and voice. I just made a friend (cis F) and just felt so much envy looking at them. The state of trans healthcare is absolutely horrid now, I have absolutely who's grand idea it was to say yknow what? Let's make essential healthcare and drive up suicide rates of the trans community by targeting the young!!!! I don't even want to consider anti-trans laws as anything other than jokes at this rate.

I feel for you being unaccepted, a lot of my friends still really don't care about me being trans. I guess they just don't care, live alone die alone right?

Talking here is so nice though - feels amazing to genuinely be accepted.

 

[iwantdeath6969]

i agree that it feels worse now than it was before a few years ago. hypervisibility on trans people has been a double edged sword, because now people that didnt even know we existed hate us, where before they wouldn't have cared. i always wish that cis people at large still didn't know anything about trans people. nobody understands how fucking hard it is to be trans for so many reasons.

 

[Viranamari]

I get what you mean. I'm not trans however I still don't understand why they have to face so much trouble. After all, being trans is a personal opinion. What your going through is horrible and I hope things get better. I also hope the situation for trans people gets better.

 

[borderline-feline]

I miss when the average person wasn't even aware of the concept of trans people. Unfortunately, many cis people see us as nothing more than a political prop. Transphobia is even the reason why I avoid feminist circles now since so many people who claim to be pro-woman only actually support cis women.

 

[CompleteControl]

No matter who you are, what you indenitfy as, your sexual orientation, how you dress, how much money you have or don't have how good or bad of a person you are, the color of your skin, your religion, I mean the list goes on and on there will always be a chance your going to come across people who don't accept understand or even agree with how you choose to live your life. But there it is, NO ONE can live your life for you so I mean who gives a fuck what other people think or feel when it comes to what people perceive as right or wrong or normal is all superficial bullshit. A person's actions the content of their mind and heart are what really define them and sadly No most people don't take the time to find out those kind of things. Hypocrisy is a rampant plague and also a mask that many hide behind,hate is destructive, but you can't expect everyone to love you either. Nor can you make everyone else happy it's not your job too, do whatever makes you happy and if other people disagree well they need to get a fucking life it is too short to spend it worrying about how someone else decides to live their life.

 

[orca87]

I'm a cis person so I can only see it from my point of view.

A pattern I see quite common here in the forum and something I experience myself is that feeling of not being understood. I cannot imagine how it "feels" to be trans, how it feels being trapped in the wrong body. In the same way, most people cannot understand how it feels to wake up disappointed of having survived another night each day.

In that sense, calling a suicidal person just attention seeking is structurally the same thing as calling trans people a political group. I mean I wouldn't accept, let alone defend any kind of offence or hate sprach, but from my experience (with only the depression side), it's just the inability to understand that feelings that drives most people. And I believe there are some feelings out there that can only be fully understood when experiencing them on your own. I got upset about a research paper dealing with how "mentally ill" should be protected from seeking medically assisted suicide because they don't suffer enough and don't have the capabilities to oversee their decision. It's a complete neglect of the experience and capabilities and autonomy of such persons.

This must be the feeling for trans people, I can imagine: they're calling me a political group, yet they have no idea how I experience the world, my body, my mind.

It's outright disgusting to see people invalidating other peoples experience, I totally get it.

I would love to hear some of your stories. Probably I will never truly understand how you feel, but I would like to try. So if you want to talk, feel free to PM me

 

[WaitingToGo]

I have to agree with my fellow trans people. I'm probably in a minority here because I transitioned 40 years ago and when I did there wasn't the trans phobia there is now nor the hatred, so haven't had to cope with what you are all going through. All I had to put up with was the occasional stare and some annoying kids in the street where I lived. I feel sorry for the people going through this now. The only positive thing is that the gender reassignment surgery is far better now than when I had mine done.

 

[mypersonalhell]

Everything is politics now a days. They want to create division between the people so the real problems don't have to be addressed.

 

[umjammertranner]

fuckin preach, i am sick and tired of living in the body i was given, i'm sick of both the vilification AND hugboxing i recieve because of my gender. it's always either "you're ugly scum and should die" or "omggg yess queen!!! slay u look SO good and totally pass!!!"

i know neither are true and i too want to just be left alone to rot in peace. luckily it seems like my friends are abiding by that now, i think they know i'm beyond help.

>t. 2 years HRT and nothing to show for it other than chemical castration

 

[borderline-feline]

fuckin preach, i am sick and tired of living in the body i was given, i'm sick of both the vilification AND hugboxing i recieve because of my gender. it's always either "you're ugly scum and should die" or "omggg yess queen!!! slay u look SO good and totally pass!!!"

i know neither are true and i too want to just be left alone to rot in peace. luckily it seems like my friends are abiding by that now, i think they know i'm beyond help.

>t. 2 years HRT and nothing to show for it other than chemical castration

God, it gets on my nerves so much when people go overboard with their supportiveness. It often feels like they're trying to make it about themselves by overdoing it, and it just feels othering. I just wanna be treated like any other woman, but instead people put me on a pedestal and treat me like a spectacle.

 

[6MillionWaystoDie]

For the people that "don't understand" just realize one doesn't have to. One just has to accept. Its the same as those that don't understand higher math and physics but you accept that gravity exists and airplanes fly.

I would never spew hate on anyone. I've befriended many types of people. The only thing I stay away from is the people that expect me to perfectly remember usage of they / them and that just ain't happening.

At times I can barely remember English words and names so if your only focus is to get me to change my English after all these years, its just not happening. As a result I just stay away. I have no interest in being around someone with a pedantic view who will be critiquing every colloquial usage of "Man! Thats crazy!" Or "Gurl please!!" I'd have the same views of a cis person correcting my grammar too! Its just not worth it for me.

But I do believe all people have a right to command how they're addressed. And I'd advocate for anyone that advocates for me. Otherwise, I'm cool with you.

 

[WaitingToGo]

I think a lot of trans people go through the stage of not passing or having issues. It wasn't perfect for me at the beginning. The local kids would peer in through the windows of my house, it was awful. I couldn't afford salon prices for electrolysis so I went to a beauty college where senior students and the college were happy to have volunteers. The girls who did me were at the latter stage of their course and were pretty damn good. I would say at the beginning I passed about 70% of the time and going for job interviews were a nightmare. I was so stressed out and nervous, used far too much makeup and stood out like a sore thumb. it's all a learning curve and everyone goes through it. Slowly your confidence builds. Nowadays I hardly think about being trans (except here when I reply to posts). I moved abroad for work and have been here over 20 years and no one has any clue about my past. I'm just another female employee in the office, another woman in the street. I mention all this not to show off or brag but to demonstrate that it's possible to have a successful transition even with a shaky start. just believe in yourself and jump any hurdle that comes along.

 

[Haruka]

I will never fully understand this as I am not trans myself but my trans friends suffer so much and tell me often - the transphobia they face makes me sick. I am so sorry that this world treats you like shit, it's vile. I am aware that things are still awful for trans people and it is a shitshow - if you'd like to, I can DM you and we can talk more privately as there are some things I don't like sharing in the forum, but if not then I hope you start to feel better in time to come, and know that there are people always by your side

 

[Unending]

I hate it too.

 

[AsAboveSoBelow]

It's a pretty hostile environment for transgender people now ay? It's coz some of these c#nts just found out about trans people lol, when yall been around since time immemorial. Dunno about your local area, but usually there'd be an LGBT centre, if not Transgender specific organisation(s) in a particular state and country. Maybe they can help link you up with some peers and/or assist you with your current circumstances. That's how my trans friends in different countries have sought support and connection.
Me personally, could never understand why some people are so vile and full of hatred. Just let people live, it ain't so hard. Fck em all, live your life.

 

[aubrey!]

It's coz some of these c#nts just found out about trans people lol

Seriously, lol. "Trans people didn't exist before the year 2000" it's almost like that's the year the internet exploded, giving us access to view information about anyone who signs up and puts it out there... Nobody walks around screaming "I'm transgender" but it's easy to put it on your page to help find like-minded people. It's just such a ridiculous argument. Not only that, oppression would likely be worse then leading less of them to be open, and a variety of other factors. The internet has created a strange connection not only across the whole world, but as close as our neighbours, even if we are not directly linked to them online.

Let's just say my parents don't know I'm a girl, and I really don't know what I'm gonna do with my life. Probably going to do DIY route if I get there, but there's so much more to figure out, and I will probably never gain the confidence to truly be myself offline. Whatever, deaths coming for me anyway.

 

[PoisonousPotato]

personally i hate being a closeted trans but it's not just that. i hate my whole body. i hate my face. sometimes seeing myself in the mirror triggers (physically) painful anxiety and horrible sh thoughts.
and about gender envy... it's awful. can't see a woman without wanting to be like them.
the thing is... i already know what it's like to be harassed. i have social anxiety and trauma because of it. i could never come out.
i'm trapped in my body.

and people saying "you're valid, you make the world better by existing" only make it worse.

 

[6MillionWaystoDie]

I remember when the movie The Crying Game came out. It was pretty controversial. But it was probably only that way because it was the first time someone put that kind of content out for mainstream consumption. I don't remember people being so cruel to the LGBTQ+ community at that point in time. Just a few stares and kids laughing and pointing as someone suggested. There were issues of course but there wasn't this entire negative focus on it as there is today.

I remember when George Michael was arrested and it was the talk of the news for a while. Unfortunately it appeared that he was getting that treatment because he was at that time considered an International female sex symbol and being gay was not really considered to be a good thing for ones career especially in music where they wanted to tout every handsome man as a "heart throb" People like Elton John and Boy George existed and were able to make it. Few made nasty comments about them, they just enjoyed / appreciated their music. I grew up in an LGBTQ+ friendly area and that community seemed to have a free, fun and self-accepting attitude especially in the era of Madonna and voguing.

@Helplessturtle79 Maybe you should consider relocating now rather than later. You said you were saving for a house but that money will mean nothing if you kill yourself mentally in the process. Having peace of mind means more than money in the bank to me. Who knows. Some additional money making opportunities could arise from a move.

I hate that every non-white, non-Christian person has become a member of a "political group." I just wish that all these "political groups" would get smart and start banding together rather than infighting. Its the only way things will get better. But of course no-one sees the bigger picture. Hence the reason I have no hope in this sh*tf*ck world.

 

[WaitingToGo]

I agree, move away to a different city/town if at all possible, otherwise your life will be a misery. The local kids can be real shits. (And their parents).
You shouldn't have to I know, but seriously it'll make a ton of difference. I moved to a town an hour away and it was such a relief, honestly. i then looked to getting another job as I was still working at the company I came out to in. I never had any problems with my work colleague's in fact they were brilliant, the company however wasn't, I always felt like they wanted me to leave after I came out. I never intended to move to a different country for work but that's what happened when a brilliant job came up. and the rest as they say, is history. I'm an IT consultant by the way. The other advice I would offer is to retrain yourself. I was in an engineering environment which wasn't going work going forward so I paid for a computing course at college and luckily a short while later a position in the computer dept came up and I was offered it. Yes I was lucky but by planning my future career I was able to get that nice clean office job. Trans people nowadays are lucky that the internet exists and you can find out everything you need to know. That wasn't the case for me. I just winged it.

 

[bloberta]

yea me too. i would do anything to be cis. even if it meant being a man.

 

[deathminuteindecima]

I couldn't agree more. Validation or not people constantly bother and remind us that we are trans; I would do really anything to be a cis male / cis in general, because if that had meant people would leave us alone I'd gladly take that opportunity. I want to have a normal life, but we are constantly talked about on the news and general media it wants me to keep on hiding in fear. Hate/transphobia goes by it's name and most support and reassurance simply feels/is backhanded (from my experience, but I feel as if many share).

 

[TheDizzenter]

I agree with It.
Cis people ain't bad, but if there's one thing that sucks, are these who like to blame the others and say " But your group did that, and that "
Don't they see we actually avoid so many things? We live our lives counting our steps due their own danger they mean? Isn't because someone took advantage of something SERIOUS that It's like that. A bad apple can ruin an entirely vision, and I hate a fuck all this thing.
Their group are full of people who honestly, don't deserve the right to even discuss. They just want spread hate probably for no gain.
What we did of so bad? A characteristic don't define a personality, an individual: A life.

And if not leading with the others, the worst, leading with myself. Holy fuck, all that makes me happy is knowing that if I screw this body, I will be happy, because I hate It. It has been a time I let to respect myself at the point to consider myself, just a pathetic shell that don't care for the core. I am a bunch of words inside a lot of flesh.
Since the country I live is literally known even in Gore forums as the worst to live, you have no idea of how scared I am of this.
It's not even at the point of being paranoid, It's in a point that It became to be worse than mental sick, because IT HAPPENS.
A little word to slip and I am fucked up.
And if I die, I am doing It for me, honestly. Not to fill that assholes proud to say: " But they kill themselves! "
I wonder how far the human being went at a point to be happy of someone's death.
A death induced by them. This is sick, and if one thing that gives me joy is to imagine I am far from these.

Do you even think like this?

I couldn't agree more. Validation or not people constantly bother and remind us that we are trans; I would do really anything to be a cis male / cis in general, because if that had meant people would leave us alone I'd gladly take that opportunity. I want to have a normal life, but we are constantly talked about on the news and general media it wants me to keep on hiding in fear. Hate/transphobia goes by it's name and most support and reassurance simply feels/is backhanded (from my experience, but I feel as if many share).

We are normal, but they want to us " Not be It "
Oh, we got certain " XX or Whatever what??? "
Do they have microscopes in their eyes, does It bother them?
Do they want to bother us while their type of individuals do worse, and try sweep their things with simply blaming us?
Who are in a struggle to take ourselves in pieces while we feel anger?
If even bearing our hate at ourselves, now even them want to bother us?
Honestly, I understand. I hate the news, and how the others goes all to post It, as It's what we truly are.
Some people are truly miserable, willing to make the life of others being worse.