Venting i had a miscarriage

[hotelandrea]

so, i am a transgender man. i have been taking HRT for 7 years, but had recently stopped for a few months due to not having health insurance. long story short, had a weird bleeding event a few days ago that seemed extremely out of the ordinary. last night, i went to the hospital for chest pains (considered not going to just see how it would play out since my attempt is scheduled soon, but my roommates convinced me and i didn't want to raise suspicion).

i told the staff about what had happened and they did a pregnancy test. it was positive. then they did an ultrasound and there was nothing there anymore. ultimately, i would have terminated either way; the end result would have been the same. i just have this horrible guilt about the fact that i didn't even know i was pregnant and ended up creating an environment that could not support life by taking testosterone, drinking, and smoking.

to make matters worse, the only person that it could've belonged to is my ex. we broke up almost a year ago, but have continued to have sexual encounters since then. i love him deeply, so i never say no. again, we both would have agreed to terminate anyway, but i just have this deep, primal guilt that i destroyed something we made together before i even got to make that decision.

how could i not know? how long would it have taken for me to realize? why do i feel so guilty if i would have terminated either way?

 

[Dejected 55]

If you are taking regular medications, even if you stop for a bit as you say, your body chemistry could easily be out of whack in a way you wouldn't notice.

I've told before about my mother. She had a long history of various problems that doctors didn't diagnose or treat correctly. She ultimately finally got them to run tests and diagnose a thyroid condition later in her life. She never had regular menstrual cycles and would go months without a period. This was nothing new to her, and at least part of that was her thyroid problem.

In any event, just as she was starting to get her thyroid addressed and losing some weight... she had been overweight all her adult life after birthing me and never losing the weight from that and marching onward... so, anyway, one day she feels weird... familiar... and she goes to the doctor to confirm, and sure enough... she was pregnant. She was 5 months pregnant, and basically because of the combination of her history of non-menstrual regularity and her weight and her thyroid being out of whack... the only clear sign she had to suspect being pregnant was when the baby started kicking and she remembered how that felt with me.

Fortunately in her case it all worked out and there were no complications to the baby... but it's very easy if you have underlying medical conditions OR are being treated for anything, including HRT.

Also, I don't know if you talked to your doctor about this... but it's also possible you weren't pregnant in the traditional sense... there are the ectopic pregnancy scenarios where you don't know there is a pregnancy and it isn't viable and often don't find out unless you have something else going on...

I know you expressed guilt and grief in your post... and I don't know if anything I said helps... but I figured I'd offer the thoughts just in case.