I haven't been on this site in a while let alone post. Just want to say firstly you have a lovely dog who I can't fathom the comfort she provides and a true source of strength.
Secondly my advise as I've said before on this website, when you are so low you're planning and arranging to ctb. Provided you're able to endure the suffering, the best comfort about ctb is the nature that it'll always be there when you're ready should you feel that's whats best for you. So if today is not your day and neither is tomorrow and beyond then allow me to stress that's totally okay. No one will judge you, we'll champion and cheer you on for each day you're willing to endure and stay, or offer our prayers and wishes if a day comes when you feel it's time to say goodbye. There should never be a pressure either way.
It was heart warming reading you declare you were gonna keep going along with the support you've gotten from the posts in the thread.
Though I'm sorry to hear about your pain it's also a comfort to read that there does seem to be people who are willing to care and support you in whichever way they can which while I'm unsure how much that'll ease the eroding crippling nature of loneliness amongst the other challenges you may face. It is still a comfort. Even if you're drowning and the only presence you hear are above water, it may still be better than to drown completely alone.
Keep going as long as you're able to, cuddle your wonderful dog and by all means feel free to reach out to anyone here who seem willing to lend an ear or on this thread for anyone willing to lend their time to read.
Thank you for taking the time to write up about yourself, your dreams (which im not religious enough to unpack the dream you had, sounds so powerful though), your pains, and strong spirit to keep going.
To anyone reading this post, when you're in pain and struggle and wonder if you can continue another day? The simplist of actions can ripple outwards to affect those around you in the smallest of ways. It gave me a small comfort reading this thread these replies and I hope this post can give a little back.
Sincerely I wish you best :)