Go easy on yourself, miss Rabbit! I'll hold your paw throughout this post
Julgran you're clever.
I'm grateful for all the questions. Thank you for that. It's going to take some time to answer them all.
AGE 7 - Unremembered Trauma
I guess the place to start is to explain that between 1st and 2nd grade (I assume the trauma event happened in the summer) I changed from being an active, social, healthy, playful, confidant child to getting headaches and stomach aches, I gained weight, I stopped playing both during recess at school and after school with my neighborhood friends. There was a drastic change. I didn't know what happened. I recall being in second grade (after it happened) and staring at a hopscotch drawing and recalling that an entire year before a jealous girl had told me that I was popular, only because I was NEW (I'd moved across the country and hadn't been there for kindergarten.) and that everyone would get bored of me after the newness passed. As I recalled that, I thought, "I guess she was right." Which tells me, even then, I didn't remember what happened. I didn't understand what had happened to make me so different and why I no longer had friends.
It's obvious in retrospect, I didn't have friends because I'd withdrawn and was no longer fun to be around. Previously, I'd organized games for others to play with me. Then, I walked around the school perimeter rather than play.
My sister who was 11 noticed the change and was worried and told my mom she should do something to help me but my mother has always been self absorbed and couldn't be bothered.
I pulled out of it about 6 years later. I can, however, identify the negative repeat patterns that had already begun by this time. It took decades before I pieced them all together. When I have a PTSD bout, I get the exact same symptoms of what happened when I was 7. My energy drops, I gain weight... finally manifested into hashimotos hypothyroiditis, which I get with every PTSD bout, and then permanently with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.
First Flashback
Therapy had only done me harm so I searched in other directions in my pursuit for relief from the mysterious trauma that I didn't remember. I joined a Clairvoyant Training program because the beginner classes had helped me so much in staying grounded and identifying what was me versus others (HSP = Highly Sensitive Person and I feel people. years later I even felt 911, 3 days before it happened.) I hadn't identified that at the time though, but that's why the classes helped me so much. The program was often referred to as 20 years of therapy in a year. That's why I joined.
I include that to explain that I believe the flashback came as a result of my doing so much internal work and clearing so much out of my energy field through meditation etc. In fact the flashback happened after I'd finished a reading and was still in the building.
Over the course of two weeks I'd seen a clock on the wall pop up in my mind's eye. It was at 12 originally and then over the course of about 2 weeks it would pop up again and click forward. I assume this was my subconscious trying to prepare me for what was coming to the surface. That night after the reading, the clock popped up again and clicked back to 12 and in the same moment I was flooded with sounds, and visions and feelings: I saw blood, heard a goat bleeting, I saw my Dad's boss's face, I heard screaming and it felt like the worse evil imaginable. I had led a sheltered life but it seemed clear this was satanic. I was 30 when I had this flashback. I had several more in my 40s.
I asked my mother about my dad's boss and she mentioned that his youngest daughter had always been suicidal. That her life had improved and she'd married but then she killed herself... and that's when my mom using hand gestures while she said, "she killed her self by stabbing herself repeatedly in the gut" That's not evidence, but I believe stabbing oneself in the female parts/abdomen, is really about trying to get something dark and abusive out of her body. No one would choose that as their suicide method if it was planned.
My parents continued to have a relationship with this man long after my father left the company and we moved back across the country again. I learned recently that my father had drastically changed the same year as I did. I believe that my mother was aligned with that man and that my father became suddenly fearful and angry because he wasn't involved but on some level, knew something was very wrong. He was in sales so would be traveling for days at a time, away from home.
I don't know how to make this more succinct. I hope you, Julgran, continue to read, I really appreciate being heard. The other answers can be shorter.