I finally bought a gun (Ramble about timing)

[undecidedfool]

I finally did it.
I kept telling myself I'd go out and buy one. I told myself I would last Monday. Before that it was a few Friday's ago that I was going to buy it.
But now I finally have it. It's sitting in a box on my kitchen table with a small box of ammo. It's a tiny gun, but a bullet to the head is still a bullet to the head.

Ideally I should do it tomorrow morning. I plan to go for a little hike until I find a good deserted area. Then I'll hide behind a ledge or shrubbery, schedule some texts with final goodbyes and requests, then eat a bullet. I can text 911 where I am, so I'll schedule a text to them with my exact location right before I pull the trigger too.

My partner and roommate have been away for a few days now and are coming back tomorrow night. I couldn't, and still cant, ruin their trip before they're on their way home. That's why I can't do it tonight.
But I'm still afraid that if I don't do it tonight, I won't do it tomorrow either. The gun is 30 feet away from me. It's less work to just do it here. On the other hand, I could never ask them to live in this house if I shoot myself in it.
The kindest thing I can do is get far away from the house and do it while they're on their flight back home. Then they don't have to fly with the knowledge that I'm gone.
The biggest trouble with that is that they have a layover. They will receive calls from the police if they're not in the air. I think that will have to be what it is though. Hopefully at least the first leg of their flight will be peaceful.

Now that I've rambled about timing, I've decided I'm still set on my plan for tomorrow morning. As long as I wake up and still feel like dying, I finally have the opportunity to do it.
I feel weirdly numb about it, not excited, upset, or scared like I expected.

Anyway, thanks for reading this much. Sorry for the length.

 

[EmptyBottle]

Hi, hopefully u don't feel time pressure.

How much did the gun cost, and what type of gun is it, if I may ask?

I'm surprised that one can text 911, in Australia the emergency text line is a different number (106 instead of 000).

 

[undecidedfool]

Hi, hopefully u don't feel time pressure.

How much did the gun cost, and what type of gun is it, if I may ask?

I'm surprised that one can text 911, in Australia the emergency text line is a different number (106 instead of 000).

I'll be honest, I know fuck all about guns, so I bought basically the cheapest handgun I could find that will still get the job done. It is a small double-action .380 pistol that I got for around $240ish. Google says the actual MSRP is closer to $340, so I may have gotten lucky.

Being able to text the emergency line is relatively new (I think within the past 5ish years), and it's still not everywhere in the US. I currently live in a major city, so they probably have more staff to monitor the line than rural locations. That would be my guess anyway.

And timing is complicated. I've chickened out of this so many times, but I always end up coming to the same point of being suicidal again. I'm afraid if I don't push myself to do it, it'll never happen and I'll stay miserable.
At the same time, I am trying to keep possibilities open. If I don't want to do it tomorrow, the gun will still be there. As long as I can keep it hidden, I will always have a way out when I'm ready.

 

[EmptyBottle]

I'll be honest, I know fuck all about guns, so I bought basically the cheapest handgun I could find that will still get the job done. It is a small double-action .380 pistol that I got for around $240ish. Google says the actual MSRP is closer to $340, so I may have gotten lucky.

Cool that u got a good deal. (iirc from Modern Marvels... .380 = 0.38 inch diameter of bullet.)

Being able to text the emergency line is relatively new (I think within the past 5ish years), and it's still not everywhere in the US. I currently live in a major city, so they probably have more staff to monitor the line than rural locations. That would be my guess anyway.

Cool. It's also more accessible (eg people hiding from a threat can text without alerting the threat)

And timing is complicated. I've chickened out of this so many times, but I always end up coming to the same point of being suicidal again. I'm afraid if I don't push myself to do it, it'll never happen and I'll stay miserable.

I wished for CTB years earlier, tho the wish is fading (on average).

At the same time, I am trying to keep possibilities open. If I don't want to do it tomorrow, the gun will still be there. As long as I can keep it hidden, I will always have a way out when I'm ready.

As well as a self-defence tool against a potential intruder... your bullet(s) can stop them from causing harm to others who may not be able to shoot as fast. Feel free to do handgun self defence training if you wish (coz intruders don't always aim to kill, only maim and steal)