notmyusername
Da Fan of Stuffs
- Feb 1, 2024
- 33
I am up at 4 AM right now. I am in the shelter. This place sucks. I thought. But yesterday I was told I might not be able to stay much longer. And nobody expects to stay at a shelter long I guess, but I don't even have a fucking job. I'm so clueless about the adult world. I missed a very important appointment, for drug counseling. I needed to fucking go to that appointment in order to stay here. I don't know why or how, but that's what it sounded like when the director of the shelter spoke to me. I was probably high missing that appointment too.
I don't know if I'll kill myself exactly if I lose my place here. I don't have a plan right now. I have a boyfriend who I love and who's also staying here, but if I get kicked out I don't think I could face him. Or anyone. I find the idea of leaving my boyfriend behind to be really difficult now though. I know he loves me dearly and will be sad. He can't help me though, with my housing. We were gonna try to move out of here together. Tomorrow the director is going to try to help me reschedule that appointment, but based on how she sounded yesterday, things don't seem so hopeful.
I have no one to tell this to. I am embarrassed, truthfully. I am embarrassed by how little I function in this world. I am not even scraping by.
No matter what the outcome of this is, I am getting high out of my mind after I speak with the director. Whether she tells me to pack my shit or that I can stay. I want to turn off my brain. Her answer will determine how high I get though and how safe I decide to be. Because if I gotta pack, part of me will be wanting to ctb even if my boyfriend and family will be sad. I rather be dead than tell them I'm a failure, they could see it for themselves once I die. They are probably already seeing it, I'm homeless for goodness sake and still getting high all the time and I have no job or money.
My birthday is in 9 days. I'll be 19. My family won't even be in the state. They are going on a vacation. They deserve to go on one, I don't care. Maybe a really small part of me does, but I'm definitely not mad at them.
I am so stressed. I wish I could get high right now. My chest hurts from the anxiety. I don't feel physically well.
All of a sudden, I almost don't care. I mean I'm shaking and the anxiety is there, but my thoughts don't seem to care what happens to me. I am just so fucking tired. Like I want to sleep but I can't. Does dying feel like sleep? Because it would be nice to rest.
I don't know if I'll kill myself exactly if I lose my place here. I don't have a plan right now. I have a boyfriend who I love and who's also staying here, but if I get kicked out I don't think I could face him. Or anyone. I find the idea of leaving my boyfriend behind to be really difficult now though. I know he loves me dearly and will be sad. He can't help me though, with my housing. We were gonna try to move out of here together. Tomorrow the director is going to try to help me reschedule that appointment, but based on how she sounded yesterday, things don't seem so hopeful.
I have no one to tell this to. I am embarrassed, truthfully. I am embarrassed by how little I function in this world. I am not even scraping by.
No matter what the outcome of this is, I am getting high out of my mind after I speak with the director. Whether she tells me to pack my shit or that I can stay. I want to turn off my brain. Her answer will determine how high I get though and how safe I decide to be. Because if I gotta pack, part of me will be wanting to ctb even if my boyfriend and family will be sad. I rather be dead than tell them I'm a failure, they could see it for themselves once I die. They are probably already seeing it, I'm homeless for goodness sake and still getting high all the time and I have no job or money.
My birthday is in 9 days. I'll be 19. My family won't even be in the state. They are going on a vacation. They deserve to go on one, I don't care. Maybe a really small part of me does, but I'm definitely not mad at them.
I am so stressed. I wish I could get high right now. My chest hurts from the anxiety. I don't feel physically well.
All of a sudden, I almost don't care. I mean I'm shaking and the anxiety is there, but my thoughts don't seem to care what happens to me. I am just so fucking tired. Like I want to sleep but I can't. Does dying feel like sleep? Because it would be nice to rest.
