Grog
Member
- Jun 3, 2025
- 23
I don't think it is feasible for me to keep a romantic relationship due to things that I feel are out of my control.
I was in a relationship for 11 years; that is true. So, you may be thinking "Then, why do you say you are unloveable?"
Well, it only started when I was 15 and she was 14. We didn't have a lot of relationship experience. We were juvenile. We were naive. And, in the beginning, we didn't really have to worry about money as much because we were so young.
I am disabled. I have various debilitating heart conditions. LTGA, VSD, a BT shunt, and one other thing that I forget right now. All of those conditions are congenital; from birth. I had no choice in having these conditions and had no opportunity to prevent them. In addition to my heart issues, I also have pulmonary hypertension. All of these conditions also contribute to my chronic fatigue. Furthermore, I have ADHD, PTSD, GAD, OCD, and clinical depression.
Despite all this, when I turned 18, I wanted to try to work, so that way I could contribute in the relationship I had with my ex-girlfriend. I wanted to believe that my limitations weren't so... well, limitating. So I got a job working at a grocery store. Worked there for over a year. I had a tachycardia incident there due to the labor I was doing. It could have turned into a heart attack. So, I was able to stay and be just a cashier until my attendance got me fired. I had poor attendance because I had to go some appointments pertaining to my bad heart, and my employer wouldn't excuse these absent dates, even with doctors' notes.
I tried to work at a clothing store. Worked there for a year. Stopped showing up one day because the job made me so anxious, I would get heart palpitations and throw up during panic attacks at work. Panic attacks messed with my heart rhythm and caused me real harm and lead to me having to leave a few times early to go to the ER for tachycardia. So yeah, as I said, I just didn't show up one day. Couldn't do it anymore.
After this, I told my cardiologist about these occurrences. He told me that trying to earn disability benefits would be a good idea for me. So that's what I tried to do. I got denied twice over the course of almost two years. I feel that, during this time, my girlfriend was very stressed because I wasn't able to contribute a lot financially. But, she also told me she would always stick with me to the end, no matter how long it took, to get my disability benefits. Though, I feel she was a poor communicator. I felt she was extremely bothered and frustrated by the lack of help; I can't blame her. So, instead of trying to get benefits a third time, I tried my hand at something that I thought I maybe could finally handle -- a sit-down office job.
I worked at this office job for almost a year. It was also my first full-time job. Despite it being full-time, it still didn't pay much, in my opinion. But I was able to contribute in my relationship with my girlfriend, which made her happy. Which, made me happy. But, at this job, it was a telecommunications center. No one calls these places because they're happy -- they call these places because they have a problem or have to take time out of their day to do something that is inconvenient for them; so, they're always in shit moods. I'd get yelled at for 8 hours a day while trying to memorize 18 different scripts for the 18 different companies we did business with that customers would call us for. It was very stressful with no break between calls for hours at a time. A very strict points system where if you missed five days, you were fired. Doctors notes could not be used. There were times I had to go to the ER -- I think twice -- from this place because I'd get so anxious that I'd get palpitations and tachycardia. I got no leniency. I tried very hard to get points taken off, and I would. But eventually, I would be fired.
I tried again to get disability. I got new lawyers. My girlfriend said she supported me. But I could tell she hated still living under her mom's roof. I did too. I get it. And it really is my fault and I still feel guilty about holding her back for so long. I got denied two more times over the next couple of years. It was really hard on her... Although, I wish that she had just been honest and told me she didn't want to wait for me to get my benefits if she really didn't want to. Instead, one day, she told me she wanted to be in an open relationship, and that she already made up her mind and she was going to see other people no matter what, and that it was up to me if I wanted to stick around or not. I was pretty crushed. Although, at the same time, not surprised. I kinda saw it coming. We were so incompatible the last few years of our relationship. We grew into two different people who didn't know each other anymore. We weren't who we were when we were teenagers. We were in our late twenties with different wants and needs than we used to have. She needed more stability than I could give her. So, I broke up with her. Hardest thing I ever had to do. Although, I'm glad I did it. We are still amicable, but I truly am not compatible with who she is now. I want someone else.
It's been about three years since we broke up. Since then, about two years ago, I finally did get disability benefits. Almost three years ago, almost immediately after I broke up with my ex, she met someone on a fetish website. Moved in with him two months later. Now they're engaged. Good for them, I suppose. I wish them the best.
So, I have money now. But, disability ended up not paying me as much as I thought I'd be getting every month (and they're also withholding $16K of backpay they owe me and my lawyers are fighting for it for me). So, I feel like I don't have nearly enough money to contribute to a relationship; let alone take a girl on a date. I don't have money for the clothes I want to buy. I am trying to lose weight, but it is hard with a heart condition. I am still with my parents. I am 30. I would be homeless without them. I live in poverty. I don't make enough money to show someone a nice time. I am a waste of time. That's how I feel.
There's girls that I meet that I sometimes talk to, and I want to get to know them more, but then I remember that I don't have my own car. I don't have much money. I can't bring anyone back to the hell hole that is my parents' house. Plus, at 30, it's just pathetic. And I just feel so alienated from most of the general population because I live in poverty and can't support someone else, and they don't and they can support someone else.
Add that to my list of mental problems and the fact that I am not in shape and can't be very active, I feel that I will never find someone to love me. I only got lucky once because it was uninformed, naive, high school love. I am in poverty and probably always will be. No matter how kind, charming, or funny I am, that doesn't put a roof over someone's head. That doesn't help build a family. I'm not worth it. I am not worthy of love.
And now, what is my purpose? What's my reason to keep going? Every day seems pointless. I have anhedonia; anything that used to spark joy is now just bland. I'm still haunted by past trauma too; no one wants someone with baggage.
Yeah, I'm unloveable and I don't know where to go from here. I might CTB soon. I always pondered CTB for years even before my breakup because of my traumatic past and my dysfunctional family.
Sorry for rambling at the end.
I was in a relationship for 11 years; that is true. So, you may be thinking "Then, why do you say you are unloveable?"
Well, it only started when I was 15 and she was 14. We didn't have a lot of relationship experience. We were juvenile. We were naive. And, in the beginning, we didn't really have to worry about money as much because we were so young.
I am disabled. I have various debilitating heart conditions. LTGA, VSD, a BT shunt, and one other thing that I forget right now. All of those conditions are congenital; from birth. I had no choice in having these conditions and had no opportunity to prevent them. In addition to my heart issues, I also have pulmonary hypertension. All of these conditions also contribute to my chronic fatigue. Furthermore, I have ADHD, PTSD, GAD, OCD, and clinical depression.
Despite all this, when I turned 18, I wanted to try to work, so that way I could contribute in the relationship I had with my ex-girlfriend. I wanted to believe that my limitations weren't so... well, limitating. So I got a job working at a grocery store. Worked there for over a year. I had a tachycardia incident there due to the labor I was doing. It could have turned into a heart attack. So, I was able to stay and be just a cashier until my attendance got me fired. I had poor attendance because I had to go some appointments pertaining to my bad heart, and my employer wouldn't excuse these absent dates, even with doctors' notes.
I tried to work at a clothing store. Worked there for a year. Stopped showing up one day because the job made me so anxious, I would get heart palpitations and throw up during panic attacks at work. Panic attacks messed with my heart rhythm and caused me real harm and lead to me having to leave a few times early to go to the ER for tachycardia. So yeah, as I said, I just didn't show up one day. Couldn't do it anymore.
After this, I told my cardiologist about these occurrences. He told me that trying to earn disability benefits would be a good idea for me. So that's what I tried to do. I got denied twice over the course of almost two years. I feel that, during this time, my girlfriend was very stressed because I wasn't able to contribute a lot financially. But, she also told me she would always stick with me to the end, no matter how long it took, to get my disability benefits. Though, I feel she was a poor communicator. I felt she was extremely bothered and frustrated by the lack of help; I can't blame her. So, instead of trying to get benefits a third time, I tried my hand at something that I thought I maybe could finally handle -- a sit-down office job.
I worked at this office job for almost a year. It was also my first full-time job. Despite it being full-time, it still didn't pay much, in my opinion. But I was able to contribute in my relationship with my girlfriend, which made her happy. Which, made me happy. But, at this job, it was a telecommunications center. No one calls these places because they're happy -- they call these places because they have a problem or have to take time out of their day to do something that is inconvenient for them; so, they're always in shit moods. I'd get yelled at for 8 hours a day while trying to memorize 18 different scripts for the 18 different companies we did business with that customers would call us for. It was very stressful with no break between calls for hours at a time. A very strict points system where if you missed five days, you were fired. Doctors notes could not be used. There were times I had to go to the ER -- I think twice -- from this place because I'd get so anxious that I'd get palpitations and tachycardia. I got no leniency. I tried very hard to get points taken off, and I would. But eventually, I would be fired.
I tried again to get disability. I got new lawyers. My girlfriend said she supported me. But I could tell she hated still living under her mom's roof. I did too. I get it. And it really is my fault and I still feel guilty about holding her back for so long. I got denied two more times over the next couple of years. It was really hard on her... Although, I wish that she had just been honest and told me she didn't want to wait for me to get my benefits if she really didn't want to. Instead, one day, she told me she wanted to be in an open relationship, and that she already made up her mind and she was going to see other people no matter what, and that it was up to me if I wanted to stick around or not. I was pretty crushed. Although, at the same time, not surprised. I kinda saw it coming. We were so incompatible the last few years of our relationship. We grew into two different people who didn't know each other anymore. We weren't who we were when we were teenagers. We were in our late twenties with different wants and needs than we used to have. She needed more stability than I could give her. So, I broke up with her. Hardest thing I ever had to do. Although, I'm glad I did it. We are still amicable, but I truly am not compatible with who she is now. I want someone else.
It's been about three years since we broke up. Since then, about two years ago, I finally did get disability benefits. Almost three years ago, almost immediately after I broke up with my ex, she met someone on a fetish website. Moved in with him two months later. Now they're engaged. Good for them, I suppose. I wish them the best.
So, I have money now. But, disability ended up not paying me as much as I thought I'd be getting every month (and they're also withholding $16K of backpay they owe me and my lawyers are fighting for it for me). So, I feel like I don't have nearly enough money to contribute to a relationship; let alone take a girl on a date. I don't have money for the clothes I want to buy. I am trying to lose weight, but it is hard with a heart condition. I am still with my parents. I am 30. I would be homeless without them. I live in poverty. I don't make enough money to show someone a nice time. I am a waste of time. That's how I feel.
There's girls that I meet that I sometimes talk to, and I want to get to know them more, but then I remember that I don't have my own car. I don't have much money. I can't bring anyone back to the hell hole that is my parents' house. Plus, at 30, it's just pathetic. And I just feel so alienated from most of the general population because I live in poverty and can't support someone else, and they don't and they can support someone else.
Add that to my list of mental problems and the fact that I am not in shape and can't be very active, I feel that I will never find someone to love me. I only got lucky once because it was uninformed, naive, high school love. I am in poverty and probably always will be. No matter how kind, charming, or funny I am, that doesn't put a roof over someone's head. That doesn't help build a family. I'm not worth it. I am not worthy of love.
And now, what is my purpose? What's my reason to keep going? Every day seems pointless. I have anhedonia; anything that used to spark joy is now just bland. I'm still haunted by past trauma too; no one wants someone with baggage.
Yeah, I'm unloveable and I don't know where to go from here. I might CTB soon. I always pondered CTB for years even before my breakup because of my traumatic past and my dysfunctional family.
Sorry for rambling at the end.
