Unsure and Useless
Dreaming Endlessly, not Wanting to Wake Up
- Feb 7, 2023
- 600
It's been a while since I last posted on here because I generally thought I've been getting better (or as better as one with a habit of CTB ideation can be), but I think I'm hitting new lows.
These days, I've been finding myself randomly on the verge of breaking down regardless of where I am, and despite putting some distance between me and the people that have significantly contributed to my mental distress (particularly my parents), I've been closer to SH than ever before. What used to be a thought I quickly dismissed became actively considering taking a blade to start cutting.
Whatever mental illness—or illnesses—and/or potential neurodivergence I have, if I have any at all, is worsening my life. I feel like my dreams are pointless because I've engaged in too much self-sabotage to even salvage what potential I have, and any attempts of communicating that I feel overwhelmed and am spreading myself thin to my aforementioned parents (since they are insistent on checking up on me ever since they found my pseudo CTB note) only results in them dismissing me by claiming I'm just making excuses.
Anhedonia is also kicking in too, so relieving my stress by engaging in the things I liked no longer works. SI and the lack of will power to do anything are the only things stopping me from going through with any CTB.
Sometimes, I wish somebody shoots me to death. That way, it'll just be done and over with.
These days, I've been finding myself randomly on the verge of breaking down regardless of where I am, and despite putting some distance between me and the people that have significantly contributed to my mental distress (particularly my parents), I've been closer to SH than ever before. What used to be a thought I quickly dismissed became actively considering taking a blade to start cutting.
Whatever mental illness—or illnesses—and/or potential neurodivergence I have, if I have any at all, is worsening my life. I feel like my dreams are pointless because I've engaged in too much self-sabotage to even salvage what potential I have, and any attempts of communicating that I feel overwhelmed and am spreading myself thin to my aforementioned parents (since they are insistent on checking up on me ever since they found my pseudo CTB note) only results in them dismissing me by claiming I'm just making excuses.
Anhedonia is also kicking in too, so relieving my stress by engaging in the things I liked no longer works. SI and the lack of will power to do anything are the only things stopping me from going through with any CTB.
Sometimes, I wish somebody shoots me to death. That way, it'll just be done and over with.
