I haven't visited this site for something like a year. I have a loving partner. I've enrolled to uni, with a major that's really interesting and challenging for me and, considering how much I still struggle with mental health and staying motivated, I'm doing really well. I want to be happy. I want to live this life. This is my perfect reality. And yet... I can't.
In this relationship I realized that most likely I have BPD. I don't know why I wasn't diagnosed, considering how many times I was in mental health institutions. Maybe because I don't cut or the symptoms weren't really visible, since I had very few interpersonal relationships throughout my life. Maybe I don't actually have BPD, but something with similar symptoms, it doesn't really matter. The issue is that it's destroying my relationship.
I've been trying to work on it. I started going to therapy. I guess... it's been better for a time. Yesterday two things happened, not entirely my fault, but I've distanced myself again. Saw him crying in bed. Wanted to console him, and he told me that he can't cope with how unstable our relationship is. I... can't really disagree with him. I really love him. And I don't think he deserves to be in a relationship like this. I'm... really tired of hurting people that I love. Even if I do my best and try to work out my emotions, I end up hurting them.
I know I should take more time, do more work and see what happens. But... I'm scared. I'm so scared that he will leave me... that despite my efforts, it won't be enough. I want to kill myself before that happens... No, I really just want to kill myself to stop hurting so much. Myself and others.
I can see train tracks from my window and a month ago I started watching trains. I wanted to figure out when the freight trains go by to use one as a way of exit. I know it's generally looked down upon... but that seemed to be the most available option. Still, I didn't see any during the two days I looked. I guess they must run during the day... I gave up, it got better. But it always gets worse again... So I think... Maybe I should order something that I could use at home. It would be better... But I'm so scared for the moment of waiting for poison to work. I'm scared that I'll regret it in the last moments and there won't be any way back and even if I'm saved, my body will be permanently damaged. I guess that's why trains always sounded better, even if this is a selfish option... because there's so little time between the jump and death. Even if I get unlucky and stay conscious longer, the pain will be most important.
In the end... I don't know. I'm scared of living... and I'm scared of dying. Especially, I'm scared of the moments between a choice I can't take back and the death. But I'll have to choose...
In this relationship I realized that most likely I have BPD. I don't know why I wasn't diagnosed, considering how many times I was in mental health institutions. Maybe because I don't cut or the symptoms weren't really visible, since I had very few interpersonal relationships throughout my life. Maybe I don't actually have BPD, but something with similar symptoms, it doesn't really matter. The issue is that it's destroying my relationship.
I've been trying to work on it. I started going to therapy. I guess... it's been better for a time. Yesterday two things happened, not entirely my fault, but I've distanced myself again. Saw him crying in bed. Wanted to console him, and he told me that he can't cope with how unstable our relationship is. I... can't really disagree with him. I really love him. And I don't think he deserves to be in a relationship like this. I'm... really tired of hurting people that I love. Even if I do my best and try to work out my emotions, I end up hurting them.
I know I should take more time, do more work and see what happens. But... I'm scared. I'm so scared that he will leave me... that despite my efforts, it won't be enough. I want to kill myself before that happens... No, I really just want to kill myself to stop hurting so much. Myself and others.
I can see train tracks from my window and a month ago I started watching trains. I wanted to figure out when the freight trains go by to use one as a way of exit. I know it's generally looked down upon... but that seemed to be the most available option. Still, I didn't see any during the two days I looked. I guess they must run during the day... I gave up, it got better. But it always gets worse again... So I think... Maybe I should order something that I could use at home. It would be better... But I'm so scared for the moment of waiting for poison to work. I'm scared that I'll regret it in the last moments and there won't be any way back and even if I'm saved, my body will be permanently damaged. I guess that's why trains always sounded better, even if this is a selfish option... because there's so little time between the jump and death. Even if I get unlucky and stay conscious longer, the pain will be most important.
In the end... I don't know. I'm scared of living... and I'm scared of dying. Especially, I'm scared of the moments between a choice I can't take back and the death. But I'll have to choose...
