feels_like_rain
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
- Sep 29, 2021
- 74
Last night i lost a friend i truly cared about. Not lost as in dead, but the friendship is pretty much over.
Logically i know i'm overreacting, because we weren't even that close, but there are very few people like her and i really enjoyed her friendship. And i ruined it, i fucking RUINED IT, just like i've ruined most friendships that i've had with most people i care about.
I went to sleep crying and i fucking woke uo this morning and started crying again. I keep rereading our last texts. My behavior/reaction is not healthy, i know this, but i can't fucking help it right now.
I feel so fucking alone and there's nothing i can do about it. I've reached out to a couple of people who don't know her and aren't part of the situation. I didn't think i would even have the energy to do that much but i can't stand to be alone with my thoughts right now.
I'll be making an appt with my therapist soon, maybe next week, but i know she will have suggestions on how to cope, and i can't deal with that right now either. I'm just trying to stay afloat right now and i'm in too bad of a place to even consider working on a solution. I just need to cry and talk to someone who will listen without judgement. I don't need answers because at the moment there aren't any.
I'm just so, SO incredibly fucking sad and nothing is going to fix that at the moment.
I'm going to the park later, the park where my best friend killed herself. I wish i could talk to her right now because i know she wouldn't judge and i know she wouldn't offer unsolicited advice, but she would have something insightful to say. She always knew the right thing to say. I wish so bad that she was still here.
I'm meeting a mutual friend at the park instead. We don't talk much, but i feel comfortable with her.
I'm sorry this post isn't exactly about suicide. Suicide is on my mind more than usual, yeah, but i'm not going to actually do it. I want to sample my SN but when i'm in this frame of mind i don't know if i could stop myself. I don't want to actually die right now but i don't trust myself not to accidentally overdo it. So in the airtight jar it will stay.
Please don't ask for my source - my source is 100% gone now and will not be available again. I proactively bought the SN when it was available because i was afraid it would become hard to obtain, which it now has.
If you've read this far, thank you. I have VERY few friends, and even fewer who i feel comfortable sharing shit like this with. I'm glad this forum is here.
If any of you are incredibly bored and are up for hearing more about my ridiculous shit, i'd love it if someone would PM me. As pathetic as this is, i just need a friend who understands.
I hope it's okay that i posted here and not the Recovery section. I am nowhere near "recovery"
Logically i know i'm overreacting, because we weren't even that close, but there are very few people like her and i really enjoyed her friendship. And i ruined it, i fucking RUINED IT, just like i've ruined most friendships that i've had with most people i care about.
I went to sleep crying and i fucking woke uo this morning and started crying again. I keep rereading our last texts. My behavior/reaction is not healthy, i know this, but i can't fucking help it right now.
I feel so fucking alone and there's nothing i can do about it. I've reached out to a couple of people who don't know her and aren't part of the situation. I didn't think i would even have the energy to do that much but i can't stand to be alone with my thoughts right now.
I'll be making an appt with my therapist soon, maybe next week, but i know she will have suggestions on how to cope, and i can't deal with that right now either. I'm just trying to stay afloat right now and i'm in too bad of a place to even consider working on a solution. I just need to cry and talk to someone who will listen without judgement. I don't need answers because at the moment there aren't any.
I'm just so, SO incredibly fucking sad and nothing is going to fix that at the moment.
I'm going to the park later, the park where my best friend killed herself. I wish i could talk to her right now because i know she wouldn't judge and i know she wouldn't offer unsolicited advice, but she would have something insightful to say. She always knew the right thing to say. I wish so bad that she was still here.
I'm meeting a mutual friend at the park instead. We don't talk much, but i feel comfortable with her.
I'm sorry this post isn't exactly about suicide. Suicide is on my mind more than usual, yeah, but i'm not going to actually do it. I want to sample my SN but when i'm in this frame of mind i don't know if i could stop myself. I don't want to actually die right now but i don't trust myself not to accidentally overdo it. So in the airtight jar it will stay.
Please don't ask for my source - my source is 100% gone now and will not be available again. I proactively bought the SN when it was available because i was afraid it would become hard to obtain, which it now has.
If you've read this far, thank you. I have VERY few friends, and even fewer who i feel comfortable sharing shit like this with. I'm glad this forum is here.
If any of you are incredibly bored and are up for hearing more about my ridiculous shit, i'd love it if someone would PM me. As pathetic as this is, i just need a friend who understands.
I hope it's okay that i posted here and not the Recovery section. I am nowhere near "recovery"
