I feel sick and conflicted

[ScottPilgram]

I think my partner has decided to ctb and though I think he has a choice on that matter I feel sick and conflicted about losing him. I don't want to lose another person I care about by letting them decide to die and not stopping them, but I also want to die really badly. I love him so much and it really really hurts i feel sick thinking about him going and ctb. Am I selfish? I don't know what to do.

 

[LonelyLight]

No, you are not selfish. Totally natural to want to keep the ones we love around us, regardless of whether we are pro life or not, we always want to see the ones we love happy. I'm sorry for the situation you are in.

 

[realjunes]

I think my partner has decided to ctb and though I think he has a choice on that matter I feel sick and conflicted about losing him. I don't want to lose another person I care about by letting them decide to die and not stopping them, but I also want to die really badly. I love him so much and it really really hurts i feel sick thinking about him going and ctb. Am I selfish? I don't know what to do.

ScottP,
You are definitely not selfish. Loving someone as you do is the opposite of selfish. It is completely unselfish to allow another person to make a choice for themselves. Love often hurts as you are hurting. You are not selfish at all.

 

[noctiva]

Making peace with your own suicide and making peace with the suicide of a loved one are two very different things! I think he is in the same boat, he has made peace with his suicide but not with yours.
That is the nature of love, we do want to keep those we love around us. And love usually does have a component of selfishness, we want those we love around us, we want to see them smile, we want to touch them and we want to be able to talk with them. Their loss will cause us great pain.
Have you talked with him about how you feel about it? If both of you desperately want to go, what is stopping you from doing it together/ at the same time so neither one needs to miss the other one? Or would both of you be able to support one another in recovery?

 

[Jean4]

I am going through this right now.
I have never had so much pain in my life honestly because he is gone.
However, his pain is so much greater than mine. I can't believe how unbearable it must have been.
I loved him. Because I love him, having him be out of pain is more important than my own.

 

[jgm63]

I think my partner has decided to ctb and though I think he has a choice on that matter I feel sick and conflicted about losing him. I don't want to lose another person I care about by letting them decide to die and not stopping them, but I also want to die really badly. I love him so much and it really really hurts i feel sick thinking about him going and ctb. Am I selfish? I don't know what to do.

Just my opinion, but if you want to die, then you would also need to understand if someone else wants to die.
I don't see any alternative to that logic.
Sure, it won't be easy, but then life isn't.
The alternative would be if the two of you together agree that you are both not going to CTB....
Or I suppose another option would be for the two of you to CTB together.

Note : As always, please note that I strongly encourage you to seek help with whatever is troubling you. Things may seem hard, but with the right help they can improve. There are many sources of help if you look and reach out. Please seek assistance in any and every way possible. You alone must decide upon your actions and take full responsibility for them, and you should always favour seeking help and keeping out of harm's way.

 

[Moonicide]

That's absolutely understandable, love. It doesn't make you selfish, it makes you human and you're still sorting your emotions while coming to terms with the situation you've been dealt with. Just because you understand their wishes to ctb doesn't mean you won't hurt or feel that loss. Your choice to ctb is ultimately yours, but if you choose to ctb over the loss of your loved one, I'd suggest you sit with your emotions before coming to that final decision. I know what it's like to want to drown with your loved one, because for us, it's all or nothing... Gve it time, be there for your loved one as much as possible, and just know we are here if you need the support.

 

[Jean4]

That's absolutely understandable, love. It doesn't make you selfish, it makes you human and you're still sorting your emotions while coming to terms with the situation you've been dealt with. Just because you understand their wishes to ctb doesn't mean you won't hurt or feel that loss. Your choice to ctb is ultimately yours, but if you choose to ctb over the loss of your loved one, I'd suggest you sit with your emotions before coming to that final decision. I know what it's like to want to drown with your loved one, because for us, it's all or nothing... Gve it time, be there for your loved one as much as possible, and just know we are here if you need the support.

Thanks for this.

 

[ScottPilgram]

I'm silent semi-poster semi-lurker. I thank all of you for the advice and kind words even if I do not reply to you. I really really appreciate all of the help and kind words.

 

[anchored_astronaut]

I think "selfish" has unfairly negative connotations.

Yes, it's selfish to want to keep somebody who doesn't want to stay, but that's because love is selfish. Love is also beautiful and, I think, as vital as food or water, the desire to consume which is also entirely selfish, but who would tell you it's wrong to want to eat and drink? Nobody worth listening to.

My point is this: there is absolutely nothing wrong with considering the effect his death would have on you. In fact, I think I think it would be an insult to not feel pain in response to it, even though, considering you're here, you understand that it's what he wants. You love him, so of course it would be painful for you. That's nothing to feel ashamed of. I guarantee he's considered the impact it would have on you and I guarantee that the thought of you in pain is painful for him in turn- because he loves you too, and so your pain hurts him as well.

That's how important selfishness can be. It motivates us to do some bad things, sure, but it's also what motivates us to protect and comfort the ones we love: so we don't have to experience the pain of them experiencing pain. That's a side effect of love. And that's amazing.

Your "selfishness" is just evidence of how much he means to you. You have every right to feel this way. It is selfish. And that is okay.

 

[ScottPilgram]

I think "selfish" has unfairly negative connotations.

Yes, it's selfish to want to keep somebody who doesn't want to stay, but that's because love is selfish. Love is also beautiful and, I think, as vital as food or water, the desire to consume which is also entirely selfish, but who would tell you it's wrong to want to eat and drink? Nobody worth listening to.

My point is this: there is absolutely nothing wrong with considering the effect his death would have on you. In fact, I think I think it would be an insult to not feel pain in response to it, even though, considering you're here, you understand that it's what he wants. You love him, so of course it would be painful for you. That's nothing to feel ashamed of. I guarantee he's considered the impact it would have on you and I guarantee that the thought of you in pain is painful for him in turn- because he loves you too, and so your pain hurts him as well.

That's how important selfishness can be. It motivates us to do some bad things, sure, but it's also what motivates us to protect and comfort the ones we love: so we don't have to experience the pain of them experiencing pain. That's a side effect of love. And that's amazing.

Your "selfishness" is just evidence of how much he means to you. You have every right to feel this way. It is selfish. And that is okay.

Thank you so much for saying this, this was really good for me to read. I appreciate this a lot.