Venting I feel like I wasn't meant to be here, any advice or thoughts?

[fruitcup333]

hi all, i haven't posted on here in awhile.

updates so far: i literally have everything i need to go. i got SN from DMC, prochlorperazine as my antiemetic, tools for mixing and stuff, etc. i even got my notes written. the only struggle now is the indecisiveness i am feeling. i've been having a lot of anxiety about it. part of the reason is because of this vent i need to do. i am reaching out here because i feel like maybe there is someone who might be able to understand how i feel and could give me their own experience/opinions. or maybe someone could just give me advice.

part of my anxiety and indecisiveness is about what happens after i'm gone. i believe in the afterlife and my personal belief is that when we pass we get to choose what happens to us. but my intrusive thoughts tell me otherwise and make me worried. i'm scared that it is just nothing after this or that i'll be reincarnated and i really don't want that to happen. and deep down i don't think it will, because like i said before i believe we get to choose whatever it is we want, but my bad thoughts tell me otherwise. no matter what i can't escape these bad thoughts lol. but part of why i have this faith in that we get to choose what happens to us is that i really don't feel like i'm meant to be here. like i'm a different person trapped in this reality. if you don't understand the best way i can think to describe it would be the movie "I Saw the TV Glow". literally have never related to a movie more than that one. that is my circumstance. i have some comprehension of who i am supposed to be. but yet i'm not experiencing it. i'm stuck here. the only way i can access it is through my imagination. but yet that is different than experiencing it. i made this analogy before of its like im in this water bubble and outside of this bubble is who i truly am and my life but yet im stuck inside and i can only view who i am not experience it. and the water makes it fuzzy so i don't get a clear picture and it frustrates me. and i feel like this is a spiritual thing. i've felt this way for such a long time. and i truly don't know how i can continue here. how can i enjoy this reality and who i am here if the person i truly am is trapped inside of me? and i can't experience it? my conscuiousness is so limited here too. i have these thoughts and ideas sometimes that my brain or mind or whatever cannot comphrend in this reality yet i know that if the laws of reality were different i could understand them.

sorry if this makes no sense. i just really need to get this off my chest. i hope someone can understand. i may just be severely mentally ill but it feels like a spiritual thing to me idk. i would love to hear what someone has to say.

thank you

 

[yowai]

My partner's grandpa who had a stroke last year recently told them the story of how he probably experienced a clinical death, he saw some white stairs leading up and a figure speaking to him but he didn't understand anything and then he woke up while being rescued. He was apparently very peaceful about it and said he might not be here tommorow or any other day but he's content about it as if he saw something assuring there, idk. I don't believe that stuff and would rather not see god after I die because I don't like that guy, but maybe you'll find it comforting. I myself think of dying as going home but again I'm not christian so the thought of heaven/hell or something in between is icky and I'd prefer if there was just nothingness

 

[divinemistress87]

Watching ndes on Youtube might help ease your anxiety some

 

[ClippedWings]

I get you. But for me, I'm excited for death because it's the only chance I have at achieving anything I desire. So I welcome that has a positive thing, not negative.