I feel like I missed out on my chance to be human

[axolotlotl]

WARNING: Lots of self loathing and pity ahead.

I'm autistic, and I feel like I'm not human because of it. The people around me act in ways I can't understand, I'm techinically smart, but everyone around me seems miles ahead of me. They act so naturally, they can make friends, find a job and find contentment in their life. It hurts so much to see when I can't even follow the most basic social rules without putting in so much conscious effort that I miss out on the conversation. People tell me that my autism is a superpower or an advantage sometimes, because I can remember things, or be passionate about a topic. But why does that matter when I always feel out of place and everything I do is a poor imitation of being human? Anytime I'm not alone, I'm performing, and not even well. I put so much effort in but it's not enough for people to like me, or to care about me. I understand social cues well enough to realise that they're othering me, and that I'm less than them. But I can't read things well enough to understand what I'm doing wrong. I just wish I had the chance to be a normal person, I could do so many things if I was a normal person.

 

[SecretDissociation]

I'm autistic too! Late diagnosed (literally had to go private because NHS amiright). And I mourn what my childhood could've been. It's a bit different from you, just a tiny bit different because maybe had I known I'd feel a little bit more normal and have less trauma but I don't know, that's wishful thinking.

I've heard the autism is a superpower thing and you know... it kinda annoys me. Because same, everyone can make friends and work and they seem largely unbothered by the annoying contingencies in life. To us they're contingencies and to neurotypical folk its just life. I get overstimulated by clothes, noise, I have meltdowns, I self-soothe in 'impractical' ways.

I've masked my whole life 'peform' you say. And yeah, I still haven't been able to have nice steady relationships. Hell, I feel fake with friends because I feel too like I just don't want to hangout its weird.

I too wish I could be a neurotypical person. I want to feel what majority of the populace feels.

I think its normal for us to feel this way. It sucks ass. And it isn't fair. And its hard to find a solution. But know that I relate to you hard <3

 

[PinkgrassBuffer]

That's pretty common with autistic people. You might find it easier to make autistic friends, which would allow you to practice talking to people more. You're as much a real person as anyone else.