prone2fury
i have pretty hair
- Feb 4, 2023
- 48
Recently, I've hit an enjoyable period of my life. My mom got COVID and can't intimidate me, I was able to eat more than once a day for a bit, and I was even able to get high.
But no matter what, nothing can make me not want to die. The fact remains that money is the only thing that matters as an adult, and that making other humans happy at my own expense is the only way to get any kind of stability.
I really want to live and experience joy and consume art and express my thoughts. But it's just not feasible and never will be. It's axiomatic that the highest highs will be dwarfed by the lowest lows, every time. I think adulthood is a unique torture experiment where the occasional joy serves to make the pain even worse, just so you don't ever get used to it. And other people could not give less of a fuck. Because life goes on and the obligations never end.
Small aside, but the longer I stay suicidal, the more I grow to actually hate people who conceive children or try to act like this world is any good. I try to avoid this line of thinking because I don't want to be a hateful person, but I can't comprehend the narcissism someone would need to bring a new life into all this. This existence is something I would wish on someone I hated very much, so I don't know why anyone would do it to a newborn they supposedly love.
Anyway thanks for reading. I sincerely hope my mind fixes itself soon or I die in an accident.
But no matter what, nothing can make me not want to die. The fact remains that money is the only thing that matters as an adult, and that making other humans happy at my own expense is the only way to get any kind of stability.
I really want to live and experience joy and consume art and express my thoughts. But it's just not feasible and never will be. It's axiomatic that the highest highs will be dwarfed by the lowest lows, every time. I think adulthood is a unique torture experiment where the occasional joy serves to make the pain even worse, just so you don't ever get used to it. And other people could not give less of a fuck. Because life goes on and the obligations never end.
Small aside, but the longer I stay suicidal, the more I grow to actually hate people who conceive children or try to act like this world is any good. I try to avoid this line of thinking because I don't want to be a hateful person, but I can't comprehend the narcissism someone would need to bring a new life into all this. This existence is something I would wish on someone I hated very much, so I don't know why anyone would do it to a newborn they supposedly love.
Anyway thanks for reading. I sincerely hope my mind fixes itself soon or I die in an accident.
