I feel empty

[sanhwou]

I'm going to give a quick summary. Everything started when I was 13 years old, when I cut myself for the first time and the school principal found out and told my family. Since that time, I've felt empty, but I never really understood it deeply. At 14, I kept cutting myself, this time my aunt, who I consider my mom, found out and she hit me like that would fix anything. My mom took me to a psychologist once, and the psychologist said I was fine, and then I never went back again. The thing is, I never actually stopped cutting myself I just got better at hiding it. I would cut myself in places my clothes would cover, like my thighs or the upper part of my arms. After that, my family never found out about it again and they think what "fixed me" was the aggression, that the problem was just that I needed to be beaten

I got into college and things just got worse. I started cutting again, but this time it was worse than before. I found a community on Twitter, and it only got worse
Now I'm 20. I tried to kill myself once by taking pills, but I was so stupid that the only thing that happened was that I hallucinated and threw up. I should've known — zolpidem doesn't kill that easily. I dropped out of college and now I'm stuck in an endless cycle at a job I don't like, and by the end of the month I'm left with nothing because I drowned myself in loan debt. I just feel this huge emptiness inside me, and it always comes back — and every time, it feels deeper, worse, like there's this fog around my heart that I can't even describe

I've never been diagnosed with anything, never sought help beyond that one time when I was a kid. I feel like I should, but I don't have the courage. Not to mention I've never been in a relationship, and I don't think I ever will. I have too many insecurities about my scars and I feel like no one will want me like this — especially with so many beautiful women out there who don't have as many problems as I do. This is the first time I've ever talked about any of this, so the text ended up being long. I just hope my pain ends soon. I just want to find an effective way to die and put an end to all of this, because I simply don't see any point in my existence.

 

[erqum]

I understand your pain. Having a family like that must not have been easy. I really hope things get better for you. And I hope you've been able to distance yourself a bit from your family and from Twitter that can really help. I think it's important that you try to make an appointment with a therapist, even if it's just a video call if going in person feels too overwhelming. Wishing you healing.