Hey y'all, this is my first post here.
Over the past few years my life has had these constant rollercoasters of "I really feel loved and cared for right now" just for that to be pulled out from underneath me, and be proven time and time again that people are horrific. Being accused of horrific acts by people who I thought were my close friends, being abandoned, having partners abuse me and cheat on me. And it always comes crashing down at the moment where I feel safe, this moment where I finally feel I can relax and that things will be different this time, a new wave of something will come over me and it'll be 10x worse than the last thing that hit me and hurt me. I've been self harming a lot through it all, it's become a coping mechanism, but over the past year I've just, I've had continued thoughts of Suicide, I've attempted 4 times, with my last 2 attempts being ones where I've tried to really put effort into and commit, I tried to overdose myself on my last attempt, and I just, I felt this peace... this calming sensation come over me and I just, got really sleepy and fell back into my bed and just, went to sleep, thinking that it was finally over.
All of this crap that's happened had really taken a toll on me mentally too, I am terrified of every person I meet, thinking they're gonna betray me, but I also have this DEEP craving where everyone I meet I just keep saying to myself over and over again in my head "Please abuse me, please just rape me, hurt me, just murder me please I need it". It's gotten to the point where I've woken up, and done nothing but just stare at nothing, and slowly rock forward and back, that sort of just feeling my body gets from moving feeling really nice, and I'll do that for hours, and more recently I've started just, randomly laughing to myself, my body will jerk in really weird ways and I will just laugh uncontrollably for like 20 minutes. I know this sounds sort of "Ooooo Generic cliche crazy actions" and that's exactly why I am terrified of mentioning it to any medical professional, I'm terrified of them calling bullshit on it, or saying "You just need an anti depressant and to get outside and some fresh air".
I was at my limit 6 months ago, this is unbearable to keep going at this point.
Over the past few years my life has had these constant rollercoasters of "I really feel loved and cared for right now" just for that to be pulled out from underneath me, and be proven time and time again that people are horrific. Being accused of horrific acts by people who I thought were my close friends, being abandoned, having partners abuse me and cheat on me. And it always comes crashing down at the moment where I feel safe, this moment where I finally feel I can relax and that things will be different this time, a new wave of something will come over me and it'll be 10x worse than the last thing that hit me and hurt me. I've been self harming a lot through it all, it's become a coping mechanism, but over the past year I've just, I've had continued thoughts of Suicide, I've attempted 4 times, with my last 2 attempts being ones where I've tried to really put effort into and commit, I tried to overdose myself on my last attempt, and I just, I felt this peace... this calming sensation come over me and I just, got really sleepy and fell back into my bed and just, went to sleep, thinking that it was finally over.
All of this crap that's happened had really taken a toll on me mentally too, I am terrified of every person I meet, thinking they're gonna betray me, but I also have this DEEP craving where everyone I meet I just keep saying to myself over and over again in my head "Please abuse me, please just rape me, hurt me, just murder me please I need it". It's gotten to the point where I've woken up, and done nothing but just stare at nothing, and slowly rock forward and back, that sort of just feeling my body gets from moving feeling really nice, and I'll do that for hours, and more recently I've started just, randomly laughing to myself, my body will jerk in really weird ways and I will just laugh uncontrollably for like 20 minutes. I know this sounds sort of "Ooooo Generic cliche crazy actions" and that's exactly why I am terrified of mentioning it to any medical professional, I'm terrified of them calling bullshit on it, or saying "You just need an anti depressant and to get outside and some fresh air".
I was at my limit 6 months ago, this is unbearable to keep going at this point.
