Venting I feel conflicted

[BlueButterfly111]

Some days are harder than others, and it's days like this that really hurt the most. Surrounded by people, surrounded by family that I don't feel connected to. Today I had the thought that I just want to go be with my boyfriend in heaven. I've seen him in the clouds, I miss him so much. This hurts so much, people act like they don't understand, he was my soulmate.

I even have hopes of falling in love with the woman who wants to have sex with me, but I can't imagine loving anyone as much as him, he was special. My beautiful baby boy, I'm still so in love with him. I feel conflicted, I feel so desperate and lonely for love that I don't know what to do.

Also my pcos is acting up and my hormones are all over the place and now I'm bleeding and I hope it stops soon. Now I won't even be able to have sex with my friend, the woman who I think wants to have sex with me in a few days. And I was also supposed to ctb 2 days from now, but I declined it because of thinking my friend wants to have sex with me. Now, I don't know what I want to do, part of me wants to just ctb in 2 days because I miss Henry so much. And another part of me is so desperate and horny and curious about my friend that I want to risk waiting to be with her.

I'm going to the clinic to get a birth control shot to stop my period. Hope it stops soon, I don't even feel like getting up to go. I keep thinking about this woman and hoping that she will feel the same way.

 

[Carrot]

If he is happily in heaven I'm sure he would like you go be happy to.

You can always postpone the meeting with your friend and immediately propose a new date so that she knows you are still interested.

If you tell her you feel bad she might get the hint, I have no idea if women straight up tell each other this kind of stuff.

 

[madwoman8]

I'm sorry to hear what you are going through and that you lost someone you loved. Are you already out as queer (I'm a late in life lesbian). Just asking bc not sure if those feelings are new for you. Also not my business so you don't need to answer. One suicide prevention is procrastination, if you feel any sliver of hope you should do the best to keep staying. Grief takes so much time to get to a point that you are not drowning in it. And having interest in someone else is a good sign worth seeing where that desire goes. He would want you to be happy - I believe we get more than one soulmate in a lifetime. I see so much hope here and I see you are hurting but I think you should keep taking it one day at a time and be kind to yourself - it's okay to have both grief and feeling good about other possibilities.

 

[BlueButterfly111]

I'm sorry to hear what you are going through and that you lost someone you loved. Are you already out as queer (I'm a late in life lesbian). Just asking bc not sure if those feelings are new for you. Also not my business so you don't need to answer. One suicide prevention is procrastination, if you feel any sliver of hope you should do the best to keep staying. Grief takes so much time to get to a point that you are not drowning in it. And having interest in someone else is a good sign worth seeing where that desire goes. He would want you to be happy - I believe we get more than one soulmate in a lifetime. I see so much hope here and I see you are hurting but I think you should keep taking it one day at a time and be kind to yourself - it's okay to have both grief and feeling good about other possibilities.

Yes, I am openly bisexual. Thank you so much for your kind words of encouragement. This made me feel a little bit better.

 

[madwoman8]

Yes, I am openly bisexual. Thank you so much for your kind words of encouragement. This made me feel a little bit better.

Awesome I was just seeing if figuring out your queer was a thing - it was life altering for me! & I haven't had sex with a woman yet so that's something that will make me sad not to experience if I decide to CTB before that. But I have some experiences and for me wow so much better but I'm a lesbian who was with men so a bit different experience! Wishing you luck with that girl