Tried to ctb with SN on wednesday (week ago), but aborted the "attempt". Turns out I'm the moronic poster child of rhetoric "suicidal person doesn't really want to die" maybe, (feel free to laugh at me), but from the begining. I wish I had smashed my phone with hammer. In psych ward rn.
For obvious reasons I'm not really an reliable narrator after ingestion. Have my parents witness accounts xd doctors & nurses opinions and read med records a bit.
Before anyone asks - No, I wasn't trying to test anything, get demo version of sn death, any of that bullshit, was prepared to ctb, or so I thought.
What's the point of me telling that story ? As we say in my country I am whining or braging ? Neither. Venting maybe. This site feels like my safe space. Don't want to encourage, nor fear monger.
Why I didn't wrote goodbye post ? Well I wrote one in my head xd but I'm not well known here and wasn't sure if I would be able mentally to even attempt to attempt, so I didn't wanted to cry wolf. I unfortunetely never talked to many of you, outside from someone I love to chat in priv. I wish I were someone who is able to talk/write to people.
Blood tested SN week ago. Fasted for maybe 8 hours. Made sure I'm going to be alone for couple hours. Wrote short & sweet letter. Smoked "The last" ciggarette as a treat, which was a bad idea for someone who didn't smoke for few months, terrible anxiety & coughing fit.
I'm 56kg/169cm f. Not taking any sort of medicine normally. Took 2g of paracetamol and 330 mg of propranolol. Put 50 g of SN into a not full glass of water, it didn't dissolved completely. Put on stupid netflix show to make it feel casual. Easy peasy euthanasia. Wanted to resign, but thought of my disgusting self and my even more disgusting future, took a sip and then another. Small & careful. Just very salty. Short wave of nausea and the nothing.Not sure if I drank more, since doc are stubborn with 50 g but they were probably judging by the amout left in the box and methemoglobina only I guess.
Can't full blame that on SI as much as I would want to, in my understending of the term it's something much more primitive and instinctual - in my case it was an instant regret tm, before feeling any sort physical discomfort. Paced around the house. Tried to provoke the vomit, wasn't really able to. Supposidly vomited more but I don't remember.
Wasn't really blue faced, but pale- my lips slighty brownish. Called mom. Emergency number called me, slurred some nonsense while trying to climb upstairs and finish the drink, wasn't able to walk much, don't remeber dyspnea. Dignified much. Cops & firefighters arrived & ems did not for quite a while, took me a bit long to lose consciousness, around an hour. They had to send second team of ems - because they wanted the one with a doctor in it, I don't remember their arrival. Last thing I remember was saturation of 73% and being lead to sit by firefigther, to make me breath better. I don't remember ever experiecing pain.
Supposedly started to scream. Relanium. Had saizures in my house and in ambulance. My face was paper pale and my lips were swollen and purple and my neck was really swollen for some reason - any idea why my dearest armchair medicine specialists ?
- some short of cardio shock ??? My parents were told by doc at the local hospital that I took 5 times the lethal dose and that they'd be careful when talking about survival.
83,3% Methemoglobina at local hospital, (in toxycology on arrival they tested it as only 60% so xd) they didn't have methylene blue there so was transported to toxycology unit 1.5 h away. Was described as critical - my parents were told that they call them if I die. Methylene blue ofc. Wake up next morning intubated and on ventilator, know that they used dopamine iv and sedated me with propofol, had central venous cather. Cardiomonitor, cather, saturation, fluids, kcl - all the usual jam, don't remeber more sins. Upon waking up was privy to kinda funny (at least for me at the time ) conversation between doctors.
Doctor A - huh, good thing she used sodium nitrite, not sodium azide
Doctor B - head of ward - Don't say such thing in front of "that kind " of patient
Ohh the one they use in airbacks ?
And then they commented on my tight self harm scars, one of them didn't know what they were. Anyway felt completely healthy and dandy after fucking horrible extubation, only cold. Monitored me overnight at ICU and sended to psych ward on monday
Was yelled by another Doctor next day that he is sure that I' going to kill myself and next time Ill take kcn and die for sure and what I'm doing can be compared to lying on tracks and hoping train wont arrive
I Started smiling from stress, so he is confident I'm arrogant, mental idiot for sure. Fair enough.
Clearly not ready to die now. Will I use SN in the future ? Sure. Maybe. I don't know. I want to be dead without dying, take my consciousness away, pls
If I were the Sims 4 character I would be long dead from embarassment itself. I am cringing hard, hating myself, at that point not a clown but entire circus. Peed bright green, not really blue actually.
Otherwise completly emotionaly numb, couldn't cry even if I wanted to, so numb that if I were an edgy 13 yo I would self-diagnose with being a psychopath. Can't even feel guilit or fear, only sitting in back of my head, still waiting for my worst person on earth badge to arrive.
The broken flashing light in hospital bathroom & cold shower make for really indie horror game experience.
The code word is shame. I wish I had died. No health consequences, tho outside from psychic demage xd
