Venting I enjoy the idea of people suffering after I CBT

[peerlesscucumber]

I am a natural attention seeker. I enjoy the feeling of people pitying me and the image of myself plaging their mind with concern.

I started self-harm because of this, though it backfired and now I no longer trust my "friends" since I feel like they don't care about me as much as I thought they did, since they never asked when I was acting as miserable as I could (while feeling miserable too) and even after they found out, none reached out nor even asked why I was doing it.

This is what drove me to being suicidal. My family has a long history of suicidal and depressive medical history. It's so engraved in our blood that I can practically count with one hand how many of them haven't attempted or struggled psychologically.
My family seems convinced that I and my sister have been freed from this family curse, me being the golden child of the golden siblings since I've always been a very optimistic and charismatic person, added to the fact that I've always been great academically.

None of my family members know of my CBT planning and attempts, and my friends know about my self harm but don't seem to care or even take it seriously.

I tend to daydream about how much each of them would cry at my grave, how they would grieve me and regret for the rest of their lives how they didn't ask me what was wrong, how they never noticed and how they could have helped me.

I know I'm most likely overestimating how valuable I am to other's life, and I know that my funeral will most likely have no more than 10 people, and half of them would probably not even cry for me, but I like the thought.

 

[davidtorez]

The most depressing thing about this post is seeing people with these great genes still procreating and passing on their curse! Much sympathy to you.

 

[peerlesscucumber]

The most depressing thing about this post is seeing people with these great genes still procreating and passing on their curse! Much sympathy to you.

Honestly I don't blame none of my family members or my parents. Wanting a child is part the human instinct, and I know my parents have always been concerned for me and my sister, even now.
I think anyone in my family who ever chose to have children always has faith that they'd be freed from this curse

 

[davidtorez]

It's good not to blame anyone. I'm only mentioning it from my antinatalist perspective. While we're here it's best to try to make the most of what we have even if what we have is the fat end of the stick

 

[Cress]

I am a natural attention seeker. I enjoy the feeling of people pitying me and the image of myself plaging their mind with concern.

I started self-harm because of this, though it backfired and now I no longer trust my "friends" since I feel like they don't care about me as much as I thought they did, since they never asked when I was acting as miserable as I could (while feeling miserable too) and even after they found out, none reached out nor even asked why I was doing it.

This is what drove me to being suicidal. My family has a long history of suicidal and depressive medical history. It's so engraved in our blood that I can practically count with one hand how many of them haven't attempted or struggled psychologically.
My family seems convinced that I and my sister have been freed from this family curse, me being the golden child of the golden siblings since I've always been a very optimistic and charismatic person, added to the fact that I've always been great academically.

None of my family members know of my CBT planning and attempts, and my friends know about my self harm but don't seem to care or even take it seriously.

I tend to daydream about how much each of them would cry at my grave, how they would grieve me and regret for the rest of their lives how they didn't ask me what was wrong, how they never noticed and how they could have helped me.

I know I'm most likely overestimating how valuable I am to other's life, and I know that my funeral will most likely have no more than 10 people, and half of them would probably not even cry for me, but I like the thought.

The truth of the matter is people will be sad for a period of time at your death But eventually they will forget you. The point being fantasizing about how much you will hurt them will be a temporary affair in most cases and it's not a good reason to do it. It sounds like to some degree that you are actually suicidal and have depressive tendencies. It's probably going to be better served for you to talk about what's causing you to feel so depressed and low?