I'm so tired of my body. I'm tired of the pain it puts me thru. Chronic pain is a nuisance but this pain... Pain thats so bad... I can't imagine existing in that state for very long. My body literally can't handle more pain, anymore and I'd pass out. I'm barely conscious as it is.
Just the fear of the pain coming back, at any second, whenever it wants is enough to make me want to die.
I was hoping the pain wouldn't come back so soon, but it does. I want to just hang myself tonight, right now, before it gets any worse and I can't even function. I don't want my husband to see me like that. I don't want him to see me when I'm so pale, so sick and shaking either. It's so much pain that I can't even really cry out anymore. He has to watch it all, helpless and unable to do a single thing to help.
I know this is way earlier and not my preferred method, but I think I should just attempt a partial hanging when my husband is at work today. I really, really don't want to do this again. I really really don't. I don't have a choice unless I kill myself.
Nothing I have helps, I have weed but it doesn't even take the edge off, and they don't help at the hospital. It's a waste of time, besides even morphine barely helps me. The irony is that I hate drugs, I really hate them, so now I'm extremely desperate for them, they don't work for me. It's just death that will help me now.
I don't know why I'm a coward, why I even hesitate.. probably just the guilt, knowing all the pain I'll leave behind for him. How do I look the person I 'love' in the eye and tell them, "I love you, now let me voulentarily put you thru the worst pain in your life, and you'll have to deal with it alone". Literally no one else will even care if I'm dead, no one will even miss me, just him.
I regret meeting them so much. You just figure love, especially like this, should be enough. All it's done is filled me with more guilt, regret, and shame. I feel extremely ungrateful. I'm a disgusting ungrateful person. Now I'm leaving him to deal with my pieces.
Even now, I laugh at myself. I feel like I'm all talk, I'm just a coward who'd never actually go thru with it. I want to, more than anything, but as usual, I'm just a whining b instead of taking action towards what I want. I guess I'll just have to wait and see what I do.
Just the fear of the pain coming back, at any second, whenever it wants is enough to make me want to die.
I was hoping the pain wouldn't come back so soon, but it does. I want to just hang myself tonight, right now, before it gets any worse and I can't even function. I don't want my husband to see me like that. I don't want him to see me when I'm so pale, so sick and shaking either. It's so much pain that I can't even really cry out anymore. He has to watch it all, helpless and unable to do a single thing to help.
I know this is way earlier and not my preferred method, but I think I should just attempt a partial hanging when my husband is at work today. I really, really don't want to do this again. I really really don't. I don't have a choice unless I kill myself.
Nothing I have helps, I have weed but it doesn't even take the edge off, and they don't help at the hospital. It's a waste of time, besides even morphine barely helps me. The irony is that I hate drugs, I really hate them, so now I'm extremely desperate for them, they don't work for me. It's just death that will help me now.
I don't know why I'm a coward, why I even hesitate.. probably just the guilt, knowing all the pain I'll leave behind for him. How do I look the person I 'love' in the eye and tell them, "I love you, now let me voulentarily put you thru the worst pain in your life, and you'll have to deal with it alone". Literally no one else will even care if I'm dead, no one will even miss me, just him.
I regret meeting them so much. You just figure love, especially like this, should be enough. All it's done is filled me with more guilt, regret, and shame. I feel extremely ungrateful. I'm a disgusting ungrateful person. Now I'm leaving him to deal with my pieces.
Even now, I laugh at myself. I feel like I'm all talk, I'm just a coward who'd never actually go thru with it. I want to, more than anything, but as usual, I'm just a whining b instead of taking action towards what I want. I guess I'll just have to wait and see what I do.
