I don't want to die, but the suicidal ideations are constant.

[WitheredHeights]

I've been struggling with these thoughts for years. But, with each passing year, the ideations get worse and I get closer to ending it all. I have kept myself largely safe by distancing myself from any methods I could feasibly do, but will alone won't help me forever. Any advice for how to come to terms with controlling the ideations? I don't want to die just because of an impulsive, intrusive thought. If I CTB, I want it to be my own free choice.

 

[Goosechan]

What I've found to help me against compulsive impulsive suicidal ideations (so not against those that are a result of prolonged unbearable circumstances, there's a clear difference for me personally) is talking about the ideations. It makes me feel more in control over the intrusive thoughts. What also helps me is anchoring myself stronger to the mortal world by investing in friendships, volunteering or otherwise making commitments to the world around me. I also try, condition permitting, to regularly interact with experiences that I find worthwhile and healing and unique to this world. For me that's mostly nature.
I hope this was somewhat helpful

I agree that a freeing, preferably thought out suicide is anyone's right. But an impulsive one at a moment of distress when someone wasn't sure at all is a tragedy.

 

[Leiot]

Send up a flare. Get help. Talk to someone. A good therapist will help you dig into those thoughts and learn more about them. You're suffering - there's a reason. Find out what it is. Is there something you can do about your suffering? What led up to it? These are the kinds of questions you can work on with a good therapist.

Meds may help, but if someone just gives you meds and says 'be happy' then walk away. All the meds do is kick us toward a place we can start working on our problem. They don't fix anything.

If you start seeing someone, give them a chance. They're getting to know you, too. But if it doesn't work out don't stay with them. Get someone else. We all have stories about crappy therapists. (I had one fall asleep on me in a session )

Take care -

 

[SVEN]

Not sure where you are, as this will have a bearing on what Mental Health services are available. I'm in the UK and they range from deplorable to non existent. Hopefully you're somewhere you can access support services, you're obviously not ready to be ctb so please do try to contact medical help.
Come back on here, this thread or the Recovery section, remember we're pro choice not pro suicide. And you've got plenty of us here hoping you get through this. You've already taken the first step by posting here.
Best wishes.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm not the biggest believer in therapy but, I agree with what others have said. If you actually want to fight these thoughts, I think you could do with some support. I would have thought you would be an ideal candidate in that you do actually want to get rid of them. I'd hope they would know good 'tools' to use when these thoughts come in. I hope you manage to find someone who helps you if you decide to look into it.

 

[cotton]

Yeah, I hear that. What do you thinks on the other side?

 

[WitheredHeights]

Yeah, I hear that. What do you thinks on the other side?

I personally believe that there is a warmer nothing. Not abyss nor void. More like being wrapped in a blanket next to a good friend.

What I've found to help me against compulsive impulsive suicidal ideations (so not against those that are a result of prolonged unbearable circumstances, there's a clear difference for me personally) is talking about the ideations. It makes me feel more in control over the intrusive thoughts. What also helps me is anchoring myself stronger to the mortal world by investing in friendships, volunteering or otherwise making commitments to the world around me. I also try, condition permitting, to regularly interact with experiences that I find worthwhile and healing and unique to this world. For me that's mostly nature.
I hope this was somewhat helpful

I agree that a freeing, preferably thought out suicide is anyone's right. But an impulsive one at a moment of distress when someone wasn't sure at all is a tragedy.

Thank you so much for your advice. I will certainly try to see if this works.

 

[passer-by]

I personally believe that there is a warmer nothing. Not abyss nor void. More like being wrapped in a blanket next to a good friend.

Love this analogy. I want me blanket too

 

[WitheredHeights]

Not sure where you are, as this will have a bearing on what Mental Health services are available. I'm in the UK and they range from deplorable to non existent. Hopefully you're somewhere you can access support services, you're obviously not ready to be ctb so please do try to contact medical help.
Come back on here, this thread or the Recovery section, remember we're pro choice not pro suicide. And you've got plenty of us here hoping you get through this. You've already taken the first step by posting here.
Best wishes.

Thank you. I know that in the US, it's currently too expensive to get therapy in my current situation. I'm just trying to survive until I can get into some professional help.

 

[cotton]

I think the desire to come to terms with controlling thoughts, is a desire for the first steps to ensure you can keep having desired moments... SI is complex, it keeps the desire flowing ig. But there's usually a reason to keep going, is there lots that keeps you happy/going?

 

[WitheredHeights]

I think the desire to come to terms with controlling thoughts, is a desire for the first steps to ensure you can keep having desired moments... SI is complex, it keeps the desire flowing ig. But there's usually a reason to keep going, is there lots that keeps you happy/going?

Not a whole lot. It's all kind of blurred now. Almost everything I love doing seems a lot more like work now. I still am passionate about it, but it's a duller fire that flickers against a dimmer shadow. I genuinely want to live right now though. If for nothing else, then to see what happens next and to help those around me. I don't entirely understand it, but the closest thing I can liken it to is Sisyphus.

 

[cotton]

That's good, that genuine feeling is optimal. It's a great feeling. The fires always over shadow though especially when they're dying <3... Just lingering on in a way ig

 

[Leiot]

Thank you. I know that in the US, it's currently too expensive to get therapy in my current situation. I'm just trying to survive until I can get into some professional help.

NAMI might be able to help. https://www.nami.org/
They have free groups. I've had iffy luck with them but it might suck less than nothing.