Venting I don't want to die alone

[paintsurface]

This is one of the bigger things holding me back, I mean I don't plan on CTB anytime particularly soon because I still have the stupid notion in my head that I want to tie up some loose ends and put things in order. But when I do, why do I have to be alone? When you put down your dog you comfort them in their final moments, I think if you dropped and left your dog to die that'd be seen as cruel. But if I even hinted of my desires they wouldn't let me go peacefully or at all.

I see no future for myself, I literally can't imagine a life past 2027 maximum and even that is pushing it. It's not like I'd miss out on anything, the only reason I'd want any of the experiences I'd "miss" is because I live and when I die I'll be free from every want, need and desire. Sometimes I get the urge to just do it now, just walk into the woods with some rope, I wouldn't even leave a note. I almost feel like I need to do it now just to prove to myself that I am not a coward, that I have conviction in what I believe.

I don't really know what I feel, everyday my thoughts on things change. My brain is so defective, I can't seem to hold onto any connection bar the one who for whatever reason seem to try really really hard to stay in contact with me, I feel so apathetic towards everybody. My own Dad began to reach out to me and I couldn't even bother to message him back, how bad is that? It makes me just want to go more. I am bad at being a human being, I wish I wasn't born, I wish I wasn't born SO bad it'd have been better for everybody because now my loss will actually impact people. I don't even want someone close to me to be there, I think that'd make things hard I wish I could just have a stranger be there.

 

[urgent]

I understand. I'm in a bad physical pain situation. I can't offer much but I am sure I have to CTB asap and I can be with someone who feels that way too. Many of us don't want to go alone. I need someone to come to New York and I can't physically get a source. I have been suffering for so long because I made the mistake of waiting to long. There are people like me who would be happy to go with you or anyone who doesn't want to be alone. I'm sorry your in pain.